Go brand yourself

Are you ambitious? Do you seek out every opportunity to step on someone else to get ahead? If so, branding yourself is the right move for you!

Illustrations by Cora Fu

By: Zoe Vedova

Today’s fast-paced world is packed with Internet celebrities turned instant millionaires. These company-sponsored trendsetters are rapidly changing the structure of our society and it’s our duty to change ourselves to keep up. It is officially no longer enough to gain personal health and happiness through accepting yourself for the virtues and flaws which distinguish you as a unique human being — the last way to stay ahead of conglomerating corporations is to outmaneuver them at their own game of Monopoly. Now, you must become a corporation. Obviously, the first step to legitimacy is to make yourself the brand.

It isn’t nearly as arduous as you might believe — in fact, the journey to converting yourself into a corporation of one can be achieved by all, as long as they use these magnificent branding tricks to guide them along their way.

        1. Do the research

          Every profitable brand sticks to a definable aesthetic; the perfect balance of individuality and amiability is crucial. Whether it’s bohemian socialite, quirky goth, or indie star unappreciated until death, take time to find what aesthetic mould comes to you naturally. Assess your own assets by gathering data on what your close friends and family like about you and take time to iron out any uncalculated imperfections that may be scrutinized on social media. Tailor all personality traits, wardrobe choices, and vocabulary to fit your new brand. If you find yourself lacking a necessary component of personality, indefinitely borrow it from someone else and claim it as your own!                                                                                                                                                                 
        2. Lose that pesky morality

          Put that needless worry of selling out away. When you are your own brand, the only person you can sell out to is yourself! The inconvenient hiccup of “is this right? Is this who I am?” is a cliché struggle in the branding world, only hindering your ascension into marketable greatness. Not everyone is going to appreciate you revamping your entire personhood; prepare to cut a lot of people out of your life when their so called ‘constructive criticism’ starts making you doubt yourself. Morality around who you’re becoming will only slow you down.                                                                                                                              
        3. Exclusion is a powerful tool

          You are an important person now — you have a lifestyle to maintain, consciously filled with people who complement your aesthetic. It only follows that your friends should be important too . . . and everyone should know it. Your old best friend may have been the first person to call you on your birthday and the first person you’d think to call if you were arrested — but if their social media presence couldn’t rally hundreds into shutting down a food truck because their dressing claimed to be vegan but wasn’t, unfortunately, they no longer belong in your life. The stricter the imagined criteria for being your friend is, the more powerful you become.                                                                                                                                                                
        4. Portion-controlled doses of humanity                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    As a lifestyle influencer, your most important job is to display a life your audience connects with, while maintaining an existence just out of reach. One relatable thing you can do is make a post about the time your hair looked greasy or the time you wore mismatched socks — this way people will know you’re just like them. Your flaws should be timed and manufactured to appear quirky, with only your incredible personal perseverance getting you through. Perhaps the best part of being a brand is that you’re no longer accountable for your own opinions since any pushback can be exonerated with a nice video of you crying.

 

Remember, the sacrifices you make will be worth it to the new you! Happy branding!

 

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