EX-MAS

How to get over the jolly season and back to regular, unjolly life

0
45
Illustration by Emma Wu

Christmas is pretty much that special someone who dumped you after cuffing season ended. Now, it’s time to grieve.  Instead of the 12 days of Christmas, here are the 12 ways to get over it.

1) Eat only non-Christmas foods

Begin January by creating a diet consisting of the opposite of Christmas foods. If you spent December stuffing yourself with stuffing, turkey, roast beef, pie, eggnog, etc., then switch to stuff like ice cream, pasta, watermelon, pizza, and cookies (only non-sugar cookies, though). Also, if you have any leftovers from the holiday season, please throw that stuff away — what is it even still doing in your fridge?

2) Take holiday shows off your Netflix My List

How the Grinch Stole Christmas? Remove. Office Christmas Party? Cancelled. The Holiday? Bye. Elf? No. I don’t care if it’s a 96% match, watching a Christmas movie will only bring up painful, sparkly memories of the passed Christmas season.

3) Return any crappy gifts you got

Presents are arguably one of the best things in the world, but sometimes you unwrap that brightly wrapped package to find hand soap, a picture frame, or awkwardly tight underwear. “Thanks for the underwear that I will never ever wear — not even home alone — Aunt Carol. Money would’ve been better, since y’know . . . food, crippling debt . . . but these are nice, too!” I’ve heard you can exchange gifts you don’t want for Skittles, can someone look into that and tell me if it’s real???

4) Don’t speak to any family or friends you saw over the holiday for at least two weeks

The holiday season is a perfect time to see your family, extended relatives, and old friends, but after two weeks of forced family time — being smothered by dysfunction — it might be best to take some time apart and see other people for a little while . . . or just watch Netflix by yourself for an extended period.

5) Avoid the colours red and green (especially together!)

This includes peppers in the produce section, M&Ms, Vincent Van Gogh’s Chair, traffic lights, lizards, glasses of red wine, Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc., and those little mint candies they sometimes give you with your bill in restaurants like the Old Spaghetti Factory.

6) Buy all the discount holiday candy

I guarantee you that getting a box of chocolate for 50 per cent to 75 per cent off will make you feel better about going back to school after the holidays. Per rule five, though, remove all Christmas-y foils and wrappings so you don’t get reminded of the holidays and get sad again.

7) Practice cringing in the mirror for when you’ll inevitably hear holiday jingles or songs still being played

We all know that there’s going to be some radio station or some shopping mall that tries to drag the Christmas carols past Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve. As joyful as “Santa Baby” and “All I Want for Christmas Is You” are, you have to pretend you hate those wonderful tunes if you’re ever going to get over Christmas. Follow my lead: make a face like you’re smelling something foul, turn slowly to each side, increase the severity of your face, and finally, look up to locate an imaginary speaker to unleash your anger upon.

8) Write a letter of complaint to Santa Claus

It’s just like when you were a kid, except now you’re taking time to reflect on the presents you wanted and didn’t get, the dwindling funds in your bank account, and this miserable post-holiday feeling you can’t shake. Bonus points if it’s an actual handwritten letter.

9) Take down all decorations and lights

As a symbol of grieving and an upcoming season of darkness (aka: midterms — they’re closer than you think), take down all the sparkly and shiny things in your home. Seeing a Christmas tree or sparkling red and gold lights will only trigger memories of a . . . happier time . . .

10) Unfollow/unfriend those who insist on plastering social media with happy holiday photos

This one is especially beneficial if you find yourself alone during this time. Social media is a horrible and depressing influence for the other eleven months of the year, but it’s especially bad during and after the jolly holiday.

11) Cry

This one might actually make you feel better.

12) Focus on the next big holiday: Valentine’s Day! (or Reading Break!!!)

If you’re a fan of Valentine’s Day, think of hearts, romantic dinners, chocolate, flowers, and spending time with someone you love. If you’re single, bitter about love (which, like, same), or just not into the holiday, let images of Netflix binges and no homework dance in your head.