Cool stuff you can buy from the new TransLink store

Buy this SeaBus shirt to commemorate how much you hate commuting!

Illustrations by Janis McMath

While you were waiting in the snow for a bus that would never come, TransLink was devoted to coming up with a way to improve their service — and now their work has finally come to fruition. The TransLink merchandise store (https://translinkstore.ca) we’ve all been waiting for has opened. The new store features many classic items such as ugly-ass $60 bus print pillows, and a poster of a bunch of words in semi-fancy type. TransLink obviously has a great grasp on what is trendy and cool, and they are set to release the following items on this list in the near future in hopes of scamming even more tourists.

  1. TransLink scale model skytrains, passengers, and track set
    Model only; not suitable for children . . . because it sucks
    $250.00

    Each cart links together and breaks down just as often as the real thing!

    Use Bluetooth® controllability to run your skytrains on multiple tracks from station to station — or run your trains on one track if you want your passengers to overcrowd! Tracks come with real malfunctioning switches! Additional “shut-down” function to simulate the patented TransLink Complete Computer Melt Down® which stops all the trains for eight hours and forces the passengers to walk on the track down to the refuge of shuttle buses! Skytrain model dimensions are 6″ L x 1.5″ W x 1.5″ H.

    No refunds on this item.

  2. Bus baby onesie, sky blue
    $16.95 
    A classic 100% cotton onesie that reads, “You never gave up your seat for my mom when she was pregnant, so now I’m going to shit myself on transit!” Available in six-month, 12-month, and 18-month sizes.                                                                                                                            
  3.  System map pencil case
    $10.95

    A pencil case featuring a downtown Vancouver system map on one side, and a Surrey system map on the other side so you know exactly what routes to take to avoid Surrey. Constructed from neoprene material. Size: 9″ x 4″.

  4. Skytrain beach towel
    $38.50

    Finally, an opportunity to wipe your ass on TransLink. Features double-shearing for extra softness and 100% cotton. 35″ x 60″.

  5. “Please move to the rear of the bus” button
    $6.00

    Drive your friends and family wild with this classic line heard on routes all over Metro Vancouver! Perfect for children that love to button mash and all of those family members of yours that love subjecting people to extreme psychological pain.                                                                                                                               
  6. Unisex classic “gag” T-shirt
    $27.00

    Featuring the classic gag “I paid the $5 Canada Line YVR AddFare and all I got was a regular ticket at an increased price!” Crew neck T-shirt constructed from 50/50 organic cotton and recycled poly. Comes in blue and white or yellow and grey. Made in Canada.                                                                                                                                                                         
  7. Unisex stylish jacket with slogan, “I’m voting ‘NO’ in the TransLink referendum!”
    $125

    For all you rebels out there, here’s a jacket to show off that you actually have an opinion on a political issue for once. This is a pricey jacket which costs roughly what we asked for from one household in the referendum so it’s really odd that you’d buy this jacket from us, but hey, some of you pay $65 dollars to a corporation for an anti-corporate message on an OBEY sweater — so we thought we’d take a shot at selling political ideologies too. Comes in black or blue. Made in Canada.

    On backorder.
                                                                                                                                               
  8. TransLink policeman cap
    $16.00


Perfect for kids! When you wear this cap, you can pretend that you’re a real police officer the same way TransLink cops pretend that they’re real police officers! Suitable for ages two and up. Made in Canada.

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