Men’s washrooms are more poisonous than the Sauder School snakes at UBC. You’d think that would make guys more likely to wash their hands when they leave, but as teen pop sensation Hannah Montana would say, “life’s what you make it,” and plenty of guys choose to walk away with dirty hands. These peasants would rather dip their mitts into the damn toilet bowl than sanitize their toxic fingers and toxic egos. Sorry, fellow boys — I’m here to expose all the shitty things you do instead of soaping up.

Wash the toilet seat with their piss

As cute puppers have taught us, boys love marking their territory. As decidedly less cute animals like Christopher Columbus and Jacques Cartier have taught us, boys also love colonizing spaces that don’t belong to them. That’s why you, an intellectual, had to suffer while searching for sweet, post-exam porcelain release — only to find the only available toilet seat in the AQ drowning in eau de tinkle.

Do you take up paper-y arms and do God’s work, cleaning away this nasty little troll’s sins with love and mercy in your heart? Or do you flee the scene, letting other boys walk right into the odorous little mousetrap? Moral dilemmas have never been so loaded.

Play wet paper wad dodgeball

Why wash your hands when you can let the grime soak into your ammunition and boost its toxicity? Hegemonic masculinity is all about asserting dominance, and the best way to do that is by hosting underground intramural dodgeball in public restrooms.

A silver medal goes to whoever lands the most balls of damp paper on the floor. Gold is reserved for whoever uses up the last toilet paper roll in the room.

Attempting to divine the future by reading crap in the toilet bowl

This is why you should just not be offended any time you find that the toilets haven’t been flushed. Reading tea leaves is so yesterday; poop reading is the new Tarot deck, and the longer the turds are left to sit in the water, the higher their potency!

So, please, next time you see what you think is a sign of poor hygiene, don’t be so quick to jump to conclusions. Take a good look, accept this anonymous charity, and lean in to see what’s in your future. So far, every SFU student who’s performed a poop reading has gone blind. That sounds like an overly metaphorical (but accurate) representation of how lost and confused you become the longer your degree here stretches on.

Hold town halls to figure out why girls always go to the washroom in groups

Guys are the types to literally earn themselves PhDs, and then pipe up during their convocation ceremony to ask why girls take bathroom breaks together. Apparently it is so impossible to crack this decades-old conundrum that, despite the staggering leaps we’ve made in cancer research, men have made zero progress on this.

Because men would never want to overthink anything, given how ‘thinking’ is considered ‘girly’ and therefore a capital sin, the obvious solution is to just not think about it and collectively wonder about it in the men’s room. (It’s not, like, gay, I swear.)