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SFU students report mysterious yellow orb floating in the sky on Burnaby campus

HumourTop Humour

The irregular warmth and light of the object scares and confuses students on campus

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Illustration by RESLUS

By: Aaron Richardson

Students at the SFU Burnaby campus have been reporting sightings of a large yellow orb floating in the sky. Many have reported that the presence of this floating orb has generally coincided with the campus being bathed in light, which very strangely causes the campus to seem less grey. It has also been noted that being exposed to the light emitted from this orb often results in a subtle, yet (reportedly) pleasing warmth to spread across your body. Some students have even gone so far as to say that its presence has raised their moods and has caused higher levels of joy than is regularly experienced on campus.

SFU administration would like to firmly state that the presence of this glowing orb is not normal. An investigation is currently being conducted on why it has been spotted, what ulterior motives it may have, and what SFU administration could possibly do to prevent its presence in the future.

This institution hopes to inform students that the floating yellow orb should be avoided at all costs. Although the current investigation into the origins of this orb is far from complete, there have been some initial findings that indicate that it is a threat. There have been multiple severe dangers that accompany this orb. Examples include:

  • Burning of the skin
  • Pain experienced in the eyes when observed directly
  • A profound and new sense of optimism
  • Dehydration
  • A sense of purpose in life

If you have been experiencing any of these symptoms, it is likely due to prolonged exposure to this mysterious orb. These symptoms are dangerous, and if they are experienced, you should be checked immediately. The clinic will be holding extended hours, and staffing has been increased. SFU has made relieving students of these symptoms its top priority.

If you have experienced these symptoms, but are unable to make it to the clinic due to an overwhelming amount of homework and exam preparation for your classes, here are some tips to help relieve these symptoms on your own:

  • Instead of looking at the mysterious orb, look at the campus around you. This will relieve any pain in your eyes, while simultaneously reminding you of the drab hell hole constantly surrounding you.                                                                                                                                                                                                      
  • Contemplate the magnitude of the homework that is preventing you from receiving the medical/mental aid and assistance you need.                                                                                                                                                                 
  • Avoid spending stretches of time outside socializing with your friends. While spending time with friends outside in the warmth might seem appealing, it is one of the surest causes of these symptoms. Instead, stay inside, cold and alone.
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society