A 25th-century analysis of 21st-century movies

Awful movies deciphered by an anthropology class in the year 2465

Illustrations by Emma Wu

By: Ahmed Ali

Hello class of 2465, and welcome to Anthropology 233. As you all already know, most of the records of 21st-century culture and civilization were completely destroyed by the asteroid Bruce Willis failed to stop in 2018, and the nuclear war triggered by the US president’s tweets in 2017. Luckily, we will be analyzing material from a very rare flash drive from the distant year of 2020. The flash drive contains 30 university assignments, 3TB of porn (0.0000003 XB), and a collection of what people of the 21st century called “IMDb’s lowest-rated movies” — anthropologists still do not fully understand what this phrase means. But, now that we have access to movies which we believe were the masterpieces of that period, we can analyze them in hopes of understanding the people of that strange era.


50 Shades of Grey (2015)

The people of 2017 didn’t have sex clones, instant orgasm electrodes, or automatic reproduction. Unfortunately, their usage of coitus was for a combination of both pleasure AND reproduction.

This movie — an artistic feat — shows how the courtship rituals at the time worked. Additionally, we know this film must be amazing because pornographic content during that era was free and much more explicit than the movie . . . yet the movie still drew people in with its subtle yet ingenious take on coitus. If the movie was bad, why would it be so successful given the free competition? Logically, it only makes sense that this movie was considered a masterpiece of the time.

Fantastic 4 (2015)

At this time in history, the concept of superhero movies was just beginning to gain traction. We are unsure of the realism of the films as they seem to conflict with so many established timelines and knowledge of early humans. Regardless, this film gives us insight into how humans performed science and how they bonded with one another.

We are now aware that humans were apparently capable of building interdimensional travel and altering their DNA to perform unusual feats such as bonding despite having no personality to connect to other people. Truly, early humans were pioneers in working together.

The Emoji Movie (2017) 

Before humans made movies, there was an earlier civilization of them called ‘Egyptians’ who made a unique language consisting of symbols called “hieroglyphics.” With this in mind, we can understand how smart our 2017 humans must have been to create an advanced form of this symbol language — and turn that into a film for their viewing pleasure. Their lust for intelligent stimulation from their entertainment knows no bounds.

The film and its symbols are continued to be deciphered to this day. We are sure we have sequenced at least seven of the most common ones. Forget about the Egyptians and hieroglyphics, this is a language far more advanced than any we’ve ever seen.

Adam Sandler

This isn’t one movie, but is instead the life of the legendary performer people called “Adam Sandler.” This man was a legend for numerous reasons, the most significant being the consistency of his films. You see, all his films were very similar, yet he made SO many of them. He must’ve been a very amazing man to make over 75 films with such subtle differences which still kept audiences enamoured for so long.

Even after the apocalypse, Adam Sandler continued to make films. No other performer could ever top this. Other great directors were only able to make a few similar films — Sandler made more than we can comprehend.

 

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