Sixth senses you wish you could have

Why just see dead people when there are so many other options?

Illustration by Kathy Mak

By: Meghan Light

You all know what I’m talking about. Our five senses are boring as fuck. So, here is a compiled list of potential sixth senses that will highlight your fall season!

Knowing which houses are going to give you Sun-Maid raisins or fruit on Halloween

What are they thinking? I know it’s good to promote all things health starting at a young age, but it’s fucking Halloween, OK? Lighten up, guys. My descent into being an unhealthy, broke dumbass didn’t start with Halloween. It probably started with people like you depriving me of all the candy I could’ve had but didn’t get.

Being able to sense whether or not your lecture that day is going to be useless to your learning

This would save me SO much time and effort. I hate going to class and having to watch a movie or something for the whole three hours. I would love to have that time to do something productive — like sit on my ass and stare at the wall until it’s 4 a.m., or avoid my responsibilities.

Being able to see dead people

And no, I don’t mean like The Sixth Sense, I mean in concert. Do you know how many dead musicians I would kill to see live? I would literally make my whole family forget me like Hermione did if I could see Michael Jackson live in all his glory. I gotta protect them from those thriller zombies, but I accept MY fate as a dead dancing machine.

Being able to sense the kind of people who would carve a fucking Minion in their pumpkin so I can avoid them

Honestly, if you’ve done this, why? Just why? People think it’s silly and quirky to do this, but frankly, it’s disgusting. Why don’t we all just shit where we eat while we’re at it?

Being able to hear the dead

This would actually be cool. You know why? It would be really good, uninterrupted silence. It would be so deafening that it would ACTUALLY distract me from my own thoughts and let me focus for once. Sign me up for that shit.