In the past, the hottest money-squeezing trend was requiring students to buy the textbooks professors had written themselves. But now, a NEW money-squeezing trend is emerging among SFU professors. Crate and Barrel, the Knot, and Bed Bath & Beyond, along with many other retailers typically used by soon-to-be-married couples registering for wedding gifts, are now accepting professors as clients. With this new innovation, professors can make it a class requirement for students to buy them a gift, generally in the form of some household appliance or item of luxury.
It has long been a tradition in academia to squeeze as much money as possible from the wallets of students. This is reasonable, considering the fact that academia is one of the lowest paying jobs requiring the highest level of education. Professors need money just like everyone else — they just seem to be less subtle about it.
Many professors have recently been quoted in shows of great support of this new innovation. Unfortunately, none were willing to provide their names due to concerns for what they call “issues of safety.” The following are just a few of the many voices of support from SFU professors.
“When we were students, our professors squeezed money out of us. It’s only fair for us to do it to you.”
“It’s our responsibility as the intellectual forefront of humanity to innovate [and] to go where none have gone before. We are honour-bound to those who came before us to continue along the path they’ve left for us.”
“It builds character. Nothing comes for free in this life, the least of which should be education. It’s about time students realize this and stop complaining.” When it was mentioned to this previous professor that receiving gifts from students was the exact definition of getting something for free, his only comment was, “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”
A professor of economics also stated, “I’m just excited for what innovations will be coming next! Who knows what methods we’ll think of in the future? Some of us are currently brainstorming ways to link how much students buy us on these websites with their grades. We know there are a lot of legal restrictions on this, as it is considered ‘bribery.’ But we have our greatest minds on it, so don’t worry, we’ll figure out a way to make it work.”
With this innovation quickly catching on in SFU classrooms, students should expect the overall cost of education to increase drastically. Our advice to you: the lists generally range in price, so check out your prof’s registry early. If you get in early, instead of buying them a new fridge, you might just need to get them a couple towels or — at worst — a new china set.
