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Dear Instacrush part three

HumourTop Humour

The trilogy of thirst

EIC
EIC
2 min.
2
1391
Illustration by Tiffany Chan

read Dear Instacrush part 1 here!
read Dear Instacrush part 2 here!

Dear Dumb @InstaCrush,

You know, right as I think we take a step forward, we take like twenty steps back. Am I placing too much faith in you? Probably, but you know they say that sometimes a little faith will take you far. I have no idea who ‘they’ are, but all I know is that “they” were dumb.

See . . . we started strong. You followed me on Instagram, liked one of my selfies, I lost my mind, and then immediately sent screenshots to my group chat with my girls. We were excited this was happening. Then it got even BETTER — I responded to your InstaStory (which for all intents and purposes is sliding into your DM’s). You would think this would be great.

Nope.

This is where the illusion started to crumble. Your (ahem) “flirting” is essentially the equivalent of an eighth grader fumbling to ask their crush to the dance. I don’t even wanna call it flirting. Why? Because right after I try to respond, you usually just send back emojis. EMOJIS! EMOJIS? AREN’T I WORTH MORE TO YOU?! WE HAD A CONNECTION, DAMN IT! I can see right through you — you’re probably so used to having girls all up in your DM’s that you have formulated some standard responses. A heart. A winky face. A cowabunga hand. Just stupid.

OK, but keeping it all the way one hunnit (pronounced one-hun-it), I got a little tickled when you responded. It’s kinda nice having a super hot guy’s attention. I mean, I don’t base my worth on it because that’s just dumb. But it was nice for a brief moment. In some delusional corner of my brain, I thought, “Maybe . . . just maybe.” But then I came back to earth, reality hit, and in the words of B.B. King “The Thrill Is Gone.”

I can’t lie. You’re still incredibly attractive and that’s not gonna change. But what is gonna change is the amount of attention that I give you. You don’t deserve it, bruh. I mean, you’re attractive and talented and you’ve got a lot going for you — but if you’re gonna keep flirting around with all these other girls, I’m not clamouring for your attention. I’m too busy. I have an empire to build and you clearly cannot come on board. I don’t have time for a man-baby; you gotta be able to handle your own business. I’ll help you, but I sure as HECK am not going to do your work for you.

Oh well, it’s been fun, but time to go back to reality . . . unless you make some major changes before you come calling me again.

Maybe I’ll consider it.

With great apathy,

@TheGraceRose

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society