For the thirty-ninth time this year, competent meteorologists proved SFU incompetent. Amidst the blizzards of the past week, thousands of students were left stranded at school, on buses, and academically by the university’s inability to come to a quick and clear decision on, well, anything.

The SFSS elected a speaker to comment on the recent snow escapades, but he was found to be ineligible come press time.

When pressed for comment about the university’s actions, SFU president and vice-chancellor Andrew Petter replied, “Are you really surprised at this point? It’s not like we’ve been on top of things to date. Running things badly is SFU practice.”

The Peak managed to acquire a copy of the institution’s snow day protocol. Some of the prime excerpts include:

“If there are enough 95B-Line buses at the base of the hill to block off Hastings entirely, inform students that travel may be difficult and safe alternate routes should be explored.”

“If Scenario 31b (bus service is halted) occurs, begin assessing the viability of class cancellations.”

“Only proceed with class in Scenario 31b if fewer than 10% of the class is present. If more than 10% of the class is present or already on their way, cancel five minutes into the session.”

“If all else fails, increase tuition.”

Third-year chemistry student Arya Kiddin was part of a task force assembled by SFU in December to try and find an efficient solution to excess snow. “We have tried for the last month or two to harness the saltiness of students in melting powdered frozen crystalline H2O compounds. . . but to date, all that can be squeezed from them is faith in the system. And money. Always money.”

“Be safe!” was Petter’s final irrelevant advice for students before he slithered back to his lair atop the mountain.

In better news for the school, the SFU football team had their game snowed out — their best result of the year. . . and eleventh no-show.