Where will you be when the world ends? Will you be in the library, cramming for that test? Will you be using your last Poké Ball to catch that Dratini in the AQ reflecting pool? Will you be knocking back beers at the Highland Pub? Chances are, you’ll be on a TransLink bus as it scrambles up or down the mountain. The drivers are trained to stick to their route and keep the busses moving indefinitely, but what will you, the discerning SFU student, do in such a situation?
Lucky for you, dear reader, you have in your hands the official* Peak Transit Survival Guide which will teach you how to lead a fast-paced and prosperous life within your new mobile fortress.
Zombie horde? Alien invasion? Trump presidency? Dolphin uprising? Girl Scout insurgency? This handy guide will teach you to survive on TransLink through whatever hellscape that will inevitably follow.
- Do not remove your backpack or bag.
A backpack is a perfect defence from unexpected attacks from behind; it’s filled with dense and expensive textbooks. Feeling claustrophobic? Swing it around without warning. That’ll clear some space! Wear it on your front and use it as a battering ram for times you really need to push through the crowds.
- Stock up on supplies.
Pencils, textbooks, food and water to last a month, bedroll, life jacket, gas can, notepads. Bring everything you might need and leave nothing behind. Place these on nearby seats for quick access, or in front of the doors for a quick getaway.
- Collect lost Apple AirPod Bluetooth headphones.
These are the new currency.
- Ignore your personal hygiene.
Body odour is the best deterrent against potential threats. To supplement your aroma, soak yourself in the gore of the fallen and roll around before boarding the bus. And, although buses don’t have bathrooms, they do have windows!
- Modify the bus to suit your needs.
The handrails make excellent spears once disassembled and sharpened. Feeling chilly? Cut open a seat cushion for warmth! If the bus needs an added speed boost, enlist someone to spit gasoline into the engine.
- Hide your transit pass or Compass Card in a different pocket each time.
If you can’t find it, neither can pickpockets or looters. Sharpen the edges and use it to slice at anyone who sits near you.
- Claim as much space as possible.
Block off the rear area of the bus; this area now belongs to you. If someone wants to sit in your territory, charge them! Feel the rush of capitalism course through your veins.
- Assert dominance by knocking things out of the hands of fellow passengers.
Books, phones, food; a hand that is holding something is a useless hand as well as a distraction from potential threats such as yourself. Remain vigilant.
- Block the doorways.
For a quick escape, stand near either of the entry or exit doors. Do not allow others to leave before you, or it will be seen as a sign of weakness. To reassert dominance, simply vomit onto your target.
- Be actively hostile to those with infants and young children.
The young have no place in the new world. Only the strong survive.
* Not an official guide.