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Ten reasons your cat thinks you’re an asshole

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You may adore your fuzzy feline, but it feels quite the opposite about you. In truth, your cat probably thinks you’re a real ass-hat most of the time. It continually observes you and your strange human practices and has concluded that there are infinite reasons to hate you — but it doesn’t have time for that with all the midday naps she takes. So here are. . .

1) Your stinky friends.

I would not like to be coddled by all these odorous flesh bags, thank you.

2) Your strange hygiene practices.

You waste so much time washing your genitals manually. You ought to try licking them clean instead.

3) Your forceful belief in your hygiene practices.

The amount of dried shit in my fur isn’t unreasonable at all. Honestly, I really don’t understand what the big fuss is about.

4) Your irregularly hairless body.
Your unsightly nude figure makes me wretch.

5)  Your vegetable choices.

If you ever bring another cucumber into this house, I will shit on your dead mother’s satin pillowcases.

6) Your trust in veterinarians.

Health? If death wants me, she can have me — I just never want that man’s finger in my asshole again.

7) The dirty poop box.

It’s a warzone in there, man. You go into a dark room full of week-old shit to relieve yourself and tell me how you feel. I, however, will enjoy a pleasant piss on the couch.

8) Your rejection of gifts.

It’s only polite that you feast on the mangled mouse corpse a cat has brought for you to enjoy. It’s really just simple manners — I don’t understand why you insist on being so extravagantly rude.

9) Your alien dialect.

Look I don’t understand what you’re yelling about, but I just wanted to inform you that I may have puked on the rug several times. Just in case you weren’t already aware. Watch your step!

10) Your prolonged absences.
Baby needs rubs, and baby needs rubs often. I guess I’ll just have to pass the time knocking over your mother’s urn. Maybe then I can have a clean place to shit.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society