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Study reveals most university students only pretend to like vodka

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In a recent study conducted on university students across the country, participants answered questions regarding their vodka consumption in boths group and anonymous one-on-one interviews. The data compiled was intriguing, to say the least.

Of the participants studied, 97 percent of students in groups claimed they “loved” vodka. Curiously though, less than four percent were willing to admit the same when interviewed alone. These strange findings were further highlighted in taste testing rounds.

While participants recorded sentiments such as “nice,” “sweet,” and “smooth,” brain monitoring equipment registered feelings synonymous with extreme revulsion and self-pity throughout their recorded statements.

Additionally, when researchers reviewed their recorded sessions, they discovered that an overwhelming majority of students tried to purposefully spill their drinks when the interviewer’s attention was drawn elsewhere.

In one instance, a participant given the affectionate nickname of “Georgy-Porgy” attempted to conceal his feelings of discomfort even during the anonymous round. He eventually succumbed to a drunkenness so peculiarly severe, researchers still struggle to articulate it today.

At first Georgy-Porgy was brave during the individual taste tests, describing the flavours as “warm, hearty, and cultured,” while biting back tears. By the third taste test he could no longer conceal his twitching eye.

By the fifth taste test he threw his glass against the wall, smacked his knee with one hand, and yelled, “Well, slap me silly and call me Sally! At least I can die knowing what ink toner tastes like.” Shortly after, he collapsed on the floor muttering the words “Georgy-Porgy” over and over again, earning the code name that protects his identity today.

Georgy-Porgy is alive and well, but has since stopped drinking alcohol altogether.

The findings conclude that today’s student body goes to great lengths to feign their enjoyment of vodka. The ramifications, if left unchecked, can be physically and mentally devastating.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society