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University student tries to reject generous offer of free cocaine

Humour
EIC
EIC
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Strange occurrences on transit are nothing new to passengers on the bus. Whether it’s someone rolling a joint on a bus full of senior citizens or a renegade piece of poop tarnishing an otherwise perfectly adequate seat, most riders have seen it all.

That was until late Tuesday night, when a university student attempted to turn down a chance to do cocaine for free.

“My stop was coming soon, so I decided I’d make my late walk home a little more interesting by doing a few lines of good ol’ devil’s dandruff,” said jilted cocaine entrepreneur, Rex Tito III. “But then I saw this kid at the back of the bus and thought sharing was caring and he could probably use a line on the house.”

Tito III approached the student, but was met with nothing but rudeness, according to one witness.

“Usually people are stoked for an offer like this — this guy didn’t seem to understand how nice he was trying to be. It was really hard to watch.”

Mistaking the student’s standoffishness as hesitancy, Tito III moved closer to the student and pulled out a knife, so the student could scrape a line he felt comfortable with. Apparently mistaking it as a veiled threat, the student quickly snorted a portion of cocaine off Tito III’s rose-gold iPhone.

“With this economy, I really need all the business I can get. I thought maybe he would end up liking it and buy some,” Tito III added.

However, before Tito III was given the chance to unveil his depository of nose candies, the student tugged the bus stop cord and quickly ran off the bus loudly mumbling unintelligibly to himself.

Anyone with information regarding a student repeatedly yelling “Oh fuck!” and ‘nicky nicky nine dooring’ suburban houses in Cloverdale is asked to phone the police immediately.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society