1. Go to a farmers market
Where: 1100 Comox Street
When: Saturdays, 9 a.m.–2 p.m.
Check out the West End Farmers Market to purchase the organic harvests of spring, like carrots, cabbage, broccoli, peas, and garlic — sweet, sweet, organic garlic. Whoa, whoa, whoa friend. . . did you just say that head of garlic is $10? They’re asking for your soul, your spirit, and essentially your entire food budget! You can’t back out now since that would ruin the atmosphere of your indie date — you even wore your special socks! I’m sure munching on raw garlic isn’t that strange.
2. Hike at Lynn Canyon
Where: 3663 Park Rd
When: Always!
This beautiful park is ideal in the spring. Make sure to bring both of your inhalers! The park offers winding trails and fearfully steep hills and stairs. . . so very fearful. Do you think you could feign telepathic abilities and effectively lie that you just sensed your great-aunt fell ill and you have to go to her? No, you couldn’t lie to save your life (you’re sort of like Jackie Chan in Shanghai Noon, so admirably loyal). You’re just going to have to get your wheezy body up that hill for the sake of romance, you beautiful son of a bitch.
3. Play at Playland
Where: 2901 E Hastings St
When: Weekends, 10 a.m.–6 p.m.
Enjoy some cheap thrills at Playland, such as excessively long lines, puking children, and suspicious sweat stains. It’s going to be a long day, filled with wedgies and the swamp of Dagobah forming underneath your tits (have fun washing that out of your white lace bralette!). Try out the Drop Zone with your date for an additional $20 — you’ll be wrapped in a giant adult-body-diaper, making sure that if you shit yourself, most of the mess is controlled. Well, unless you’ve been having diarrhoea! If you find yourself in that situation, then you’ll definitely be having some good Christian fun (and you’ll probably need the Lord afterwards, too)!
