Hey, SFU!

School has been so fun lately! I love the daily excavations and the spirit parades on Fridays!

Unfortunately, I know some students who doubt the supremacy of SFU! How do I report them, and what rewards will I receive for doing so?

Yours,

John Smith, gender: M, dept: history, BT: O-, GPA: 4.5, excellent standing

John,

You bring up a serious topic. It is important to be aware that many students among you are harbouring thought-crimes, and it is your duty to report them.

Thought-crimes are thoughts that inherently cause harm to SFU, like thinking of not waking up during a break on an excavation shift, or thinking of disobeying the Ghost Guardians of the Geography department, for instance.

Report any suspected thought-crime to an SFU ghoul or available otherworldly individual. Simply whisper “engage” into any reflective surface on the mountain to summon a representative, who will be happy to record your report and gently take a puddy cast of your body.

Rewards for reporting thought-crimes range depending on your standing with the school, which, of course, is constantly subject to change. Most students will receive a complimentary Renaissance Coffee gift card and back massage!

But those few lucky, supreme-standing students could receive an entire day off, with a week’s rations of blood oranges and decaf coffee to be consumed at leisure throughout the one day!

Of course, those students below good standing will be unable to sign up for courses the following semester, and will report to Correction Mall (formerly Convocation Mall) to immediately contribute to Project Secret Burrito.

So worry, SFU students. If you care about the sanctity of your school, worry. And report your fellow comrades.

On a lighter note, this Friday, don’t forget to wear your blue, grey, and red Hawaiian shirts to show your school spirit! (Hula remains prohibited.)

Hakuna matata!

A tall, hooded figure,

SFU Punishment