Have you ever found yourself lingering around grabbed by a sticky heat and a carnal desire for all the profoundly beautiful newsboys? Do you want to find a way to be able to enjoy their layouts, but don’t have the correct expertise in newspaper-related seduction? Well, just follow these simple tips and tricks, and you’ll be able to tango your way right into the shining spotlight and become the centrefold of desire for newsboys everywhere.

1. Flaunt that name-badge, girl. That shit is high couture and asserts your importance as a member of a prestigious conference. Bonus points if you’ve got a special sticker on your name badge. Newsboys can’t deny the seduction of a shiny sticker that reads “EDITOR-IN-CHIEF”— that shit is essentially the pinnacle of sexuality.

2. Dress in dazzling hues. Newsboys will be astounded to see you in full color — by God, are they ever sick of black and white print.

3. Critique the artistic value of speaker’s presentations. Speak with a hot fever and seemingly prestigious taste — focus on the flaws in their juvenile design. “That speaker was SUCH an amateur, using comic sans in her power-point,” you utter, feeling a little bit bad to have betrayed your favourite font.

4. Discuss the last time you were in LA for a conference. Gab on about all the great vegan restaurants you went to, the great and superbly even tan you acquired, and how you really enjoyed the ground-breaking art you were able to observe in the Getty Museum. It sounds a whole lot better than the other time you were in L.A., when you went to Disneyland at 12 and spent a whole day in the hotel with violent diarrhea because of the Mickey Mouse-themed hotdog you ate. (Now that you think of it, you’re pretty sure the sausage was actually filled with mouse meat. )

5. Acquire a collection of delicious snacks. The newsboys are hungry and the hotel JUST sold out of the 10 dollar stale bagels with the pukey cream cheese. Seduce them Hansel and Gretel-style by placing crumbs leading to your door, which you sit behind wearing nothing but the Features section to feature your perfect curves. Do this all right, and you’ll be making headlines and headboards alike shake. Good luck!