Woohoo: Hershey’s Kisses

First sold in 1907 by North America’s biggest chocolate company, I present to all of you the most deliciously infectious confection ever put on the chocolate conveyor belt: the Hershey’s Kiss. Wrapped in an eye-catching array of multicolored tin foils, these pint-size goodies are nothing short of a gift from the universe; a true testament that most beautiful things can indeed be found in the smallest of places.

These delectable and voluptuous flat-bottom treats are what dreams and desire are made of. With over 60 different flavours to choose from, it truly is a treat suited for everyone’s palate. Poignantly simple and less calorically intimidating than a deep-fried stick of butter, its teardrop-shaped body is something truly worth crying about.

Boohoo: Actual kisses

Admit it: the kiss is probably the most confusing if not utterly befuddling method of showing affection next to being forced to make a Build-A-Bear for your ex. Whose idea was it to stick their tongue down the throat of their significant other and play a period of tonsil hockey? At least a hug makes sense! With a hug you can steal warmth or feel the invigorating contours of your lover’s chesticular cavity and areolas.

A smooch is just well-choreographed slobbering given the Hollywood makeover. It’s an utterly ridiculous display of affection that is probably the reason we need flu shots and therapy. If you want my opinion, we should just scrap this archaic spectacle of sucking face for something more proficient and germ-free: handjobs.