Capricorn
The Sun sneaks a glance at Venus while it’s changing at the end of the solar system. The Moon provides perfect shade for Mars and Jupiter as they fondle in the vacuum of space. Your stars are in alignment with the cockles of Orion.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Stop being a wuss and ask out that hottie at your local Starbucks. Show the barista your best bedroom eyes and ask if they’ll put extra “whip” in your “coffee cup.”
Aquarius
Pluto and Neptune are fist fighting on the steps of an asteroid belt, obstructing crucial space radiation. Wednesday is going to be a collision of titanic gravitational forces, obstructing your aura from the warmth of good nature.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Don’t buy that sweater. It doesn’t compliment your curvature. Besides, it’s totally over-priced.
Pisces
Jupiter’s moons are hanging lower than normal. The distant suns of the Milky Way galaxy are exploding causing ripples of distortion across the cosmic fretboard of time and space. This will all come to a frightening head on Monday.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Go skiing with Theo from marketing over the weekend. He’s been doing CrossFit and he’s looking to show off his new set of abs.
Aries
Mercury has skipped town with a sexy little moon just a lightyears travel from Saturn. A supernova in the proximity of Alpha Centauri has wiped out the only other reminence of life in the galaxy but your Tuesday is looking to be pretty fab.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Give yourself a well-deserved long weekend. Call in sick and leave a burning bag a poop on your boss’s front porch.
Taurus
The multiverse is chaos. Godlike beings are playing billiards with countless realities. The cacophonic cry of your doppelgangers omits a pitch that will spur thoughts of procrastination on Tuesday morning.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Don’t eat it. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t touch it — don’t even look at it!
Gemini
As Kapteyn C is slowly swallowed by a black hole throughout next week, Eridanus will rise and obscure alternate heavenly bodies in accordance with the Ptolemaic model, resulting in an overall resemblance to the comprehensive astronomical treatise Tantrasangraha.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Go ahead and sign up for windsurfing. Pam will realize what she’s missing, just give it time.
Cancer
The geocentric orbit surrounding Earth this week may pull in several unexpected objects, possibly causing a disturbance in the orbit of exoplanet HD 40307 g. This in turn will affect the stability of spacetime, so avoid any heavy lifting on Friday.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Carefully read through all written work you come across this week, or else you will be cloned then murdered and your evil doppelganger will take over your life.
Leo
Saturn spins a sick new beat on his new turntable rocking the universe with his sick synths and trap beats. The little dipper spills space champagne on the Andromeda constellation, initiating a cosmic wet T-shirt contest.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Go back to bed. Absolutely nothing of interest will occur this week.
Virgo
The steady movements of Gliese 667 Cb will bring a sense of clarity to your life. However, interference from Cygnus may work to convolute things more — watch out! It will only get worse if you ignore it.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Those whispers you hear at night aren’t in your head. You should probably serial killer-proof your house. But don’t worry, if you don’t die by Saturday your chances of living improve by 15 per cent!
Libra
K-type main-sequence star Alpha Centauri B will jumble up the celestial flow and likely have huge ramifications on double star Epsilon Reticuli, possibly even all of Reticulum. Make sure to factor this in before making any decisions.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Watch out for banana peels and keep a box of band-aids with you. You’re going to be clumsy as fuck this week.
Scorpio
There has been an awakening in a distant galaxy. The dark side and the light side are locked in an eternal conflict. As such, this will infect your Thursday evening with with sinful thoughts towards your best friend’s sister.
IN OTHER WORDS: Stop what you’re doing and go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens again. Don’t even think about it.
Sagittarius
A white hole off the tip of the Sombrero galaxy is spewing time at an alarming rate across the cosmos. A colony of intelligent space mushroom is drifting through the galaxy and set to collide with Europa.
IN OTHER WORDS:
When no one is looking, pull the fire alarm. Free your fellow brothers and sisters from the capitalist regime.
