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Four juice cleanses that will change your diet forever

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Feeling bloated? Never fear! These simple juice cleanses will help you unclog your body and open your mind.

  1. The “Urine Luck”

The nutritional properties of your urine are almost magical. This cleanse is simple and cheap! Every time you go to the washroom, bring a cup to catch some of your golden goodness. After you have about five fluid ounces, you are ready to enjoy!

Tip: Best served warm.

  1.  The “Chevron”

We’ve all heard that techron can be good for your car, but did you know it also purifies your pores from the inside out? This cleanse won’t be cheap, but if you can afford to consume one litre of gasoline a day for nine straight days, then this is the cleanse for you! While you will probably die during this cleanse, at least the gasoline will scrub away unwanted cloggage. Warning: cases of both heightened flammability have been reported.

Tip: Mix with coconut oil for maximum flavor and health benefits!

  1. The “Frank-ly I’m Crazy”

Grab a shot glass and a timer, because to complete this juice cleanse you will need to take a shot of Frank’s Red Hot sauce every hour! This cleanse will literally set a fire in your belly and burn away unwanted fat. Your bowels will literally explode as your body removes old waste from your system.

Tip: Avoid all other natural laxatives while doing this.

  1. The “Unicorn Blood,” made by The Dark Lord Inc.

There is only one cleanse that can give you immortality and a beach-ready bod — and that’s this! A unicorn’s thick and silvery blood is rich in Vitamins E and will help remove all unwanted toxins from your body. You will instantly stop aging while the rough fibre cleanses your colon! (Available for purchase at most drugstores and online at darklordinc.ca)

Tip: Mixes well with Mott’s Clamato juice!

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society