In a shocking move, The Best Master Key Church of Khaled — or DJ Khaledism, as it more commonly referred — has been given recognized faith status by the United States government.
For those not in the know, DJ Khaled is a Miami producer, spinner, and ad-lib master of the millennial generation. He is widely recognized for his profound statements on the nature of success and good hygiene. For many young people, Khaled’s social media postings are tantamount to hearing the Gospels of Christ live on the mound. As such, the strong devotion to the maxims of Khaled have now led to the formation of a modern faith around his tenets.
Based out of Biscayne Bay, Miami, the faith was founded by devotees to the DJ who strove to take their reverence to the divine level, forever touched by his sizzling bangers and enlightened Snapchat swagacity.
Modern theologians are puzzled by the new faith, as devotees genuinely believe their religion is not a parody, unlike previous fads such as Pastafarianism and Dudeism.
Pamphlets produced by the church emphasize “being the best” in the mould of Khaled’s own record label, We the Best Music. The journey of a DJ Khaledist involves self-discovery of the various keys of life and blessing up to the most, all in the high hopes Khaled will snap another piece of wisdom to further his devotees’ spiritual journey to happiness.
Snapchat, being a key aspect of Khaled’s life, must also be an active part of his disciples’ lifestyle. DJ Khaledists regularly snap pictures of themselves winning every day in their life and doing something that proves they are the best.
Repentance is also important in DJ Khaledism, especially when a devotee fails to instantly stay up to date on a Khaled’s Snapchat stories. It is reported that disciples must pray at an altar to Khaled and acknowledge that “they played themselves” to be number one again.
Modern theologians are puzzled by the new faith, as devotees genuinely believe their religion is not a parody, unlike previous fads such as Pastafarianism and Dudeism.
Religious scholars have drawn parallels to older faiths, such as Christianity. Dr. Balthazar Bibliographia, a Harvard Divinity School professor, has written a paper comparing Christ’s twelve apostles with the first followers of Khaled’s.
There are even dissertations being developed by religious scholars in search of further parallels in Khaled’s own life to that of Christ. There are also rumors of a small offshoot of the official Church of Khaled, with followers who believe Khaled is the reincarnation of Jesus himself.
DJ Khaled himself has never officially endorsed the faith. But a priest of Khaled, Don Dada Jason Knight, has announced that Khaled sent a series of coupons to the church so devotees could get discounts on We the Best merch. Whether or not the faith will stand the test of time is questionable, but DJ Khaledists promises to bring their message worldwide, and promises that their church in Miami will be surpassed by “another one.”
