It’s been almost 50 years since Simon Fraser University first opened its doors to its starting class of 2,500 students. Today, faculty and students alike celebrate the school’s semi-centennial anniversary with various events, including speeches by Andrew Petter and SFSS president Enoch Weng.

“We’re very excited to celebrate this milestone,” president Andrew Petter told The Peak the morning of the event. “SFU has a rich and diverse history, and we look forward to highlighting that history.” Petter noted that a highlight would be the Celebrate and Savour event, an evening dinner set in the school’s Academic Quadrangle.

But students, faculty, and alumni of SFU are not the only ones preparing for the school’s 50th anniversary festivities. We reached out to the wildlife of SFU, who have shared Burnaby Mountain with the university and its staff for the past half century, for comment.

“For them, it’s 50 years of accomplishment and innovation,” an adult black bear and wildlife representative, told The Peak. “For us, it’s 50 years of deforestation, refugeeism, and foraging for half-eaten Tim Hortons breakfast sandwiches.”

Other animals on SFU campus echoed this sentiment. “Burnaby Mountain used to be a place where you could settle down, raise a family, and scare the hell out of hikers,” said a mother raccoon. “Now I’m lucky if some undergrad doesn’t Snapchat me and my kids while we’re trying to eat out of the garbage.”

Once subject to turf wars and disputed land borders among the native wildlife, Burnaby Mountain has become the site of resistance for a host of species, including coyotes, woodpeckers, and deer. Condominium construction has led the local fauna to establish a formal coalition, not unlike our own United Nations. The organisation, Freedom for Animals of Burnaby Mountain (FABM), has announced plans for their own 50th anniversary festivities — a hostile takeover of Burnaby Mountain.

“My father was there the day Arthur Erickson first set foot on Burnaby Mountain,” an elderly coyote announced at a FABM meeting in the depth of the forest. “He watched as Erickson’s men tore apart our home, laid waste to our habitat, separated mother from kin. Now, it is their turn to feel our pain.

“Petter will fall. SFU will fall.”

The announcement was met with fervent applause, with several creatures shouting “Kill!” and “Let them burn!” In the aftermath of the speech, a young FABM member and black bear boasted to our reporter: “We will break them. They will know our names. Burnaby Mountain belongs to the bears.”

Narrowly escaping the ensuing riots, our reporter has since been placed under witness protection.

When reached for comment, president Petter seemed unfazed by the threat of hostile invasion. “Since McTaggart-Cowan first set foot in this office, we’ve held strong against any threats these animals — these savages — have thrown at us,” he maintained. Petter then proceeded to open a hidden door behind his bookcase, exposing an arsenal of high-tech gadgetry, as well as a jet black spandex suit and night vision goggles.

“Let them come,” he said, smirking and lighting a cigarette. “We’ll make this an anniversary to remember.”

As both the President’s Office and the animal inhabitants of Burnaby Mountain prepare for combat, SFU’s student body remains largely ignorant of the looming threat of total war. In fact, most seem only vaguely aware that there will be any 50th anniversary celebrations at all, citing minimal awareness of a song contest and “maybe a party or something.”

As one undergrad told our reporter: “As long as there’s beer, I’m there.”