Life is short. Don’t lie to your spouse.

Photo Credit: Phoebe Lim

Beside a painstakingly airbrushed image of a manicured finger pressed against rosy, seductive lips, Toronto-based adultery website Ashley Madison whispers its slogan to philanderers: “Life is short. Have an affair.”

It seems the little devil on 37 million shoulders has managed to heat up the lies, deceit, and lust that foster untrustworthy relationships. Damn. My thoughts go out to all those unknowing spouses; I’m really very sorry.

But the unfaithful idiots out there might have just been given a good kick in the pants. A cyber-hacking collective who call themselves The Impact Group have left me silently cheering at my kitchen table after learning that they’ve stolen all the names, nude photos, and credit card data from millions of lustful fingers, and are threatening to release the information if Ashley Madison refuses to delete its website.

Incidents like this make me realize that people will do anything for sex. Sadly, this includes posting all of one’s personal data on a terribly immoral website that’s practically begging to be hacked. Though bereft of a civil tongue and exclusive of the women involved, the group leaves a statement that I echo as probably the only time I’ll ever endorse an act of cyberterrorism: “Too bad for those men, they’re cheating dirtbags, and deserve no such discretion.”

To all those with an Ashley Madison state of mind, I’ll offer you some practical advice: if you’re willing to cheat on your partner or spouse, maybe a monogamous, faithful marriage isn’t your slice of pie. Maybe you’re bored, tired, or just feeling the need to start fresh. I get it. You’re only human and something just isn’t working out for you.

If you’re willing to cheat on your spouse, maybe a monogamous, faithful marriage just isn’t for you.

However, honesty is the best policy, and I urge you to think twice before you desperately divulge a thoughtless VISA number to a website with employees who’ve created thousands of profiles for women who allegedly aren’t even real. Yep, you read that right!

Instead, sit your husband or wife down and find some way to resolve your hidden issues, before website hackers publicly expose you for the faithless individual that you are.

A healthy monogamous relationship is based on trust and acceptance between partners, and those who’ve agreed to such relationships (much less marriages!) should not be lied to by their other halves, point blank. Which is why I’m astounded that a website happily advertises “discreet encounters” between “thousands of cheating wives and [. . .] husbands.” Pardon me, business-owners, but what the . . .?

It gets juicier! The site charges a $19 fee for those who wish to erase all their personal data. And judging by the fact that the site garnered $1.7 million in ‘delete revenue’ last year, I’d say this was the point of Ashley Madison to begin with: manipulation at its finest. Further, according to The Impact Group, they still kept the profile information they promised to erase before this fiasco.

For the sake of the spouses who’ve been cheated on, and for those 37 million ‘suppressed’ lovers stupid enough to believe that the Internet can be anonymous, I hope that these threats have really taught some folks to keep their nude shots solely on their cell phones, and I can’t say I’d be that disappointed if this stolen information was publicized.

Normally, I’d say have a heart and let them pay the $19 err in their ways, but then I remember that Ashley Madison itself should stop swallowing up human indecency.

Life is short, and if it’s just not working out, take the steps to effectively resolve this with your spouse.

Then go join eHarmony or something.

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