With support for the Conservative party waning across Canada, the prime minister is again under fire for a new Conservative initiative: during a press conference last Wednesday, Stephen Harper revealed that he had been using the last nine years as leader of the country to help establish a new line of casual, heavy-duty jeans for men who are over 50 and have children.
For months, several political analysts have speculated that Harper’s nonsensical, seeming tyrannical actions had an ulterior motive behind them, but no one could have predicted that his secret agenda involved denims that are made surprisingly comfortable, without sacrificing style.
“He’s truly found his calling with DadJeans,” Bill McMasters, a spokesperson for the new clothing line, said at a press conference immediately following the prime minister’s announcement. “Harper’s really put everything else on the backburner these last couple of years and it shows. The jean world will never be the same again.”
According to McMasters, Harper was largely inspired by fabrics he encountered during diplomatic trips to Syria and Egypt, which at the time drew scrutiny for their lack of transparency and tactfulness.
“Harper’s decisions to visit these countries may have been controversial at the time,” continued McMasters, “but you know what isn’t controversial? Denims that are two per cent Egyptian cotton. They feel smoother than a Herb Alpert album.”
Aside from the diplomatic trips, McMasters has also confirmed for Harper that the recent Bill C-51 was less about protecting Canadian citizens and more about preventing jean-hating terrorists from hindering potential sales in the near future. As well, the muzzling of Canadian scientists in recent years has been part of a larger plan to keep Harper’s patented cross-stitching and leg-length-to-waist ratio ahead of the industry curve.
Following his initial announcement, Harper said that he hoped Canadians would understand why the actions were necessary, and promised that the global fashion market “would be all the better for it.”
The launch of DadJeans couldn’t come at a better time for the Prime Minister, as the country’s citizens prepare to head to the polls this October for a federal election. Early reports show that Harper will likely join the 6.6 per cent of Canadians who are currently jobless, but the line of denims could be just the life preserver Harper needs to stay afloat after the inevitable crushing defeat.
“I think we should all be happy for Mr. Harper and his undying efforts to remain employed,” McMasters concluded the press conference, “much like a pair of boot-cut DadJeans, Mr. Harper is sturdy, reliable, and made up of 100 per cent Canadian materials.
“I think the moral of this story is that sometimes, we have to overlook a bit of political misinformation if the end result is a garment as trustworthy as this.”
