Build SFU members revealed to be reptilian aliens, vow revenge on decision to reject debenture

Illustration by Momo Lin

On January 21, the students of Simon Fraser University decided to reject giving a debenture to Build SFU for the construction of a Student Union Building (SUB) and stadium. The vote was close, but Build SFU fell short of the 75 per cent approval rate needed, with only 65 per cent of voters in favour.

For many, this was considered a relief from what was seen as needless expense for students; for a select few who knew the truth, it may have saved the human race from enslavement by reptilian aliens.

“I was leaving a Build SFU meeting late one night when I realized I’d forgotten my car keys in the office,” a secret informer, who formerly volunteered on the Build SFU committee, told The Peak. “I ran back to get them and there they were in full-lizard form. It was then that I learned the dastardly truth about Build SFU’s inner leadership circle.”

The informer described how, by listening in on Build SFU’s conversation, he learned that their key figures were of a reptilian species known as the Anunnaki. According to the informer, the Anunnaki were the original hidden rulers of Babylon and have, over the years, infiltrated human society — with figures ranging from country superstar Willie Nelson to current US President Barack Obama.

“Weirdly enough, if I hadn’t been there, we would have surely been enslaved and wouldn’t even be having this conversation,” said the informer.

Build SFU’s proposed stadium was to be the landing site of the reptilian fleet’s invasion, while the SUB would have been used as a broadcasting station and as a transmitter of a radio wave-based mind control device that would have enslaved humanity. With the ugly truth of Build SFU revealed, the informer reached out to the remaining human student leaders on campus and told them what he’d learned.

“We realized we could not disseminate the complete truth to the students,” said the informer. “It would have caused mass panic, and could have instigated a premature attack by these reptilian bastards.” Student leaders, under the guise of trying to stop ludicrous student expenditures, formed the coalition “No To Build SFU” to save the planet.

“We launched a really tough political campaign to halt the damn thing,” said one such SFU freedom fighter. “Thank God the expenses were so high, and that students are apathetic enough that they never turn out in droves to support anything concerning SFU.”

The strategy seems to have paid off, as the campaign ended with Build SFU losing by 10 per cent — though the informer is still uncomfortable with how close the proposal came to passing. “That small of a margin was a little too close for comfort if you ask me. But hey, at least we aren’t slaves.”

Unfortunately for the informer and other members of No To Build SFU, the reptilians have launched a reprisal. Cryptic and threatening messages have been sent out to the informer and his compatriots, with no return addresses. The informer is assured that it is indeed the Anunnaki, and hopes that with this publicity people may rise up against the reptilian powers that be: “As long as Build SFU keeps bringing forth construction proposals, we have a long way to go before we can end this extraterrestrial menace.”