Youtube’s servers were temporarily offline last Monday, leaving many devoted viewers and users in the dark. Following the 22 hours and 13 minutes of Youtube-less existence, news outlets across Canada reported increased business productivity, uncharacteristic substance abuse among teens, and several untimely deaths.
Multiple corporations — including the Royal Bank of Canada, Telus, and the Ford Motor Company — reported record-breaking productivity last Monday during the outage. A district manager from Telus, who wished to remain anonymous, said that during Monday’s strategic planning session, his employees’ eyes stayed focused on the meeting and never once strayed to trending videos on their iPhones.
“It was a blessing to have my team focused on the meeting, and not staring down at their phones watching ‘May 2012’s fail compilation’ or ‘Cat jumps over gate. Though it was a little nerve-wracking to have everyone so attentive the whole time. It meant I couldn’t secretly text behind a notebook or under the table.”
Although Youtube’s day-long server shutdown led to unprecedented productivity in the business world, Cody Villain, chief of police in Sacramento, reports that drug use among teens and young adults skyrocketed. “If anything, Youtube has kept kids away from crime and drug use. Like television once did, it gives them something productive to do, a purpose in life,” said Villain.
Michelle Weeps was one such victim of Youtube’s server meltdown. A promising young student and athlete, Weeps was set to enter the Summer Olympics in 2016 for swimming.
“Every morning, alongside breakfast, I used listen to relaxing nature music on Youtube. This calmed me before training. When Youtube’s server was down, I didn’t know what to do. Without being able to listen to eight hours of nature sounds, I couldn’t relax. I saw no other way out, I turned to heroin,” said Weeps. Throughout the day, her Youtube withdrawal became worse.
“I was shooting up and drinking a 40 of Silent Sam every three hours that day, but it just didn’t compare to the high I get from eight hours of soothing relaxation sounds,” she explained.
On Tuesday, when the Youtube server came back online, Weeps quickly quit her heroin and alcohol binge — though she has since been hospitalized, after suffering a Youtube overdose. Doctors say she will never be the same as she has suffered cerebral hemorrhaging, a common side effect of a severe Youtube binge.
Another report claims that a team of engineers failed to adequately fix a column of a bridge, leading to its collapse. After investigating an eroded column supporting the bridge, the team was stumped as to how to fix it. They admitted to going on Youtube and searching “how to,” but since the server was down, they were on their own.
Kevin Bobb, head of the team of engineers, turned to his undergraduate degree to find a solution. Looking at his old popsicle-stick and glue models of bridges, he determined that these didn’t offer any help.
“It seems like my whole undergraduate degree didn’t teach me anything useful. Everything I’ve learned was from hands-on training,” said Bobb.
Without knowing how to fix the problem, the team of engineers left the column untouched. Later, the bridge collapsed causing 1,654 deaths. The team of engineers is now filing a lawsuit against Youtube for its inability to provide life-saving information.