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Psychopathic murderer shocks public with revelation that he is a respectable member of the community

Humour
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DALLAS — An entire northern Texas community has been left in shock this week after known murderer, Lee James Watson, outed himself as a decent member of society.

Believed for years to be nothing more than a focused and evil psychopathic killer, Watson admitted to being an upstanding citizen after police spotted him picking up trash near a sidewalk not adjacent to his own house.

Following an inquest, Watson admitted that when he’s not committing violent crimes, not only is he an active participant in his neighbourhood’s Adopt-a-Street program but he also coaches a local peewee hockey team and has even made numerous charitable donations over the past five years.

“Well I knew he couldn’t just kill 24/7, but I assumed that he at least did other bad things in his spare time”

– Colby Monroe, Neighbour

Residents of Pinewood Grove, the small town in which Watson resides, are dumbfounded that the man they always knew as nothing more than “the Playground Strangler” could possibly be behind such noble and selfless acts.

“Well I knew he couldn’t just kill 24/7, but I assumed that he at least did bad, nasty or sexually deviant things in his spare time,” said next-door neighbour Colby Monroe, whose first-born son Daniel was among Watson’s victims. “It just goes to show that you never truly know who your neighbours are.”

Local Pastor Steve Williams was also in utter disbelief that such a terrible, one-dimensional villain could have perpetrated this sort of alleged decent behaviour.

“We accepted this man into our hearts as an evil heartless child killing bastard, and now we find out that he’s actually going behind our backs and donating to charities,” Williams said shaking his head. “I don’t know if our community will be ever be able to get past this.”

Watson, however, has denied accusations that his acts of decency impede his ability to tear families apart.

“I’m still the same child killing monster that everyone knows and loves,” he stated to the media holding back tears, a display of earnest emotion that disgusted onlookers. “It just happens that I also like to keep our community’s streets clean, is that such a non-crime?”

He did concede that it would be tough for him to continue in Pinewood Grove, a place where his reputation seems to be irreparably tarnished.

“I need to find somewhere that I’m just known for my talents in strangulation, and not for my ability to motivate children in sports,” Watson said of his future plans.

“It’s going to be hard though to find another place where the police will just be disappointed if they find out about my community service and not arrest me for being a known-murderer.”

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society