COQUITLAM —  Although he currently resides in a cave a few miles away from civilization, a local man claims that he is still very much on top of all major news and is actually quite well informed.

Thomas Gormley, a 55-year old retiree says he is upset by the almost non-stop condescension he receives when it comes to current issues just because he chooses to live in a cave.

“It’s ridiculous, everyone always thinks that just because I live in a cave I won’t understand their discussions on things like sports or politics but that’s completely untrue,” Gormley told The Peak. “I actually know a lot more than most people even as a cave-dweller.”

Gormley explained that his cave was hooked up with wifi and a cable connection and that he actually spends most of his time researching and absorbing current affairs.
“There’s not much else to do when you live in a cave,” Gormley said. “I’m pretty much always just reading news and trying to avoid bats.”

“There’s not much else to do when you live in a cave, I pretty much just read news and try to avoid bats.”

– Thomas Gormley

While Gormley says he understands where some of the misconceptions about his lifestyle come from, he believes that the stigma against cave-folk like himself needs to stop.

“Yeah, I get it, caves aren’t very modern or hip places to live and I understand that most don’t come equipped with internet connections but still, you are allowed to leave where you live occasionally,” he stated. “If you live in an apartment I’ll accept that you may have knowledge beyond white walls and lighting fixtures.”

“Just because your primary address is a cave, there’s nothing stopping you from going into the city every now and then and picking up a newspaper,” he continued.

“People just want to label you though, I mean, I was born in a barn so I get a lot of shit for that too . . . but just like with the cave thing, it was an orderly barn that made me into a very neat and anal person, which is actually what most barn-babies are like!”

Gormley admits that the chances of stereotypes against people like himself going away entirely is very unlikely but he remains adamant about changing society’s perceptions.

“I just want people to have more accurate prejudices,” he said in conclusion. “Instead of just labeling me as uniformed, think a little more and label me as mentally insane, I mean I live in a cave for godsake and all you want to tell me is that I won’t know who Putin is? That’s ridiculous.”