If there’s one season that really wreaks havoc on SFU, it’s winter. Spring, summer and fall usually pass by without too much of a ruckus but every year between around December 21 and March 20, the talk of how dangerous it’s going to be up Burnaby Mountain reaches extreme highs.

For the most part the actual conditions aren’t that bad but if you want to sleep in or have an excuse to hand in papers late you better be prepared to be overly precautious. Here’s a few safety tips on being dramatic about safety in the snow, winter driving and more mostly-imagined problems.

-Listen to weather forecasts and if the word “snow” is used do NOT attempt get out of bed (this applies even if you live in residence)

-Even if the word “snow” is used in the sentence “there shouldn’t be any snow today” you still shouldn’t leave your home as the mere mention of snow could cause you to walk timidly and fall.

– If the word “snow” is not in any weather reports but you think it’s implied because they talked about rain or clouds which are related to snow, you should definitely not travel and are advised to watch season 1 of The Wire all day instead.

-The best way to avoid getting stuck while driving up the hill is to never drive to school and get started on season two of The Wire.

– Don’t go outside at SFU without at least five layers of clothing and a winter-jacket. If you don’t own these you should go out immediately while it’s still nice and purchase seasons three, four and five of The Wire.

-The weather can change in a flash so you should probably just stay home all semester watching acclaimed TV dramas.

– To ensure that you avoid getting stuck while driving, you are best advised to quit school and move somewhere less dangerous.

-If you do get stranded in your car, remember that drinking alcohol hastens the loss of body heat so you should have already dropped out of SFU, moved to Fort Lauderdale, Florida where you could be hammered and be half-way through Breaking Bad by now.