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Embarrassed Earth claims latest earthquake was just “seismic event”

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PHILIPPINES — People across the world were shocked last week by reports that Earth had been struck by yet another devastating earthquake but according to sources close to the planet it was just a “seismic event” and nothing to get worked up about.

The “quake” in question took place at 8:12 a.m. on Oct. 15, as Earth was relaxing from a long day of orbiting the sun and making tides go in and out, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere it was struck in the central Philippines island of Bohol.

“It was a shock, there’s no doubt about it,” said Fred Evancio, upon hearing the news, “I mean, I knew the Earth wasn’t in great shape but you never expect to hear about something like that.”

Despite the concerns of Evancio and others who expressed fear for their beloved planet’s safety, according to scientists who work closely with the Earth, this is nothing to get in a tizzy about.

“Everyone has to just calm down, it was just a minor seismic event, they happen all the time,” explained earth scientist Kenneth Wrigley. “Trust me Earth isn’t even going to miss an orbit!”

While Wrigley did admit that Earth’s climate change lifestyle did factor into the “event,” based on the signals he’s getting from his planet, it’s going to work on itself and recover but would prefer if everyone didn’t make a big deal out of this thing.

“Of course it’s a wake-up call, sure, but there’s no reason to be too alarmed,” Wrigley said on behalf of the planet. “Earth will bounce back, I know it, our ol’ planet’s not going anywhere, it was just a little seismic blip —  that killed 93 people and counting —  so just breathe easy, Earth is fine!”

Wrigley went on to say that Earth doesn’t want anyone to change their life because of this and that they should take their mind off the whole thing by driving around in their Escalade or burning some fossil fuels.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society