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Manifesto Corner: Men of Boner Hill Unite!

Humour
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EIC
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This week’s manifesto was sent to us by Eric P. and features the demands of a coalition of SFU men frustrated by unseemly erections caused by the shaking of buses as they ascend Burnaby Mountain!

Men of Boner Hill unite!

Too long have we suffered, desperately rushing to tuck our torqued members into our waistbands as we approach the West Mall bus stop.

Too many times have we hung our heads in shame, hiding our rigid shlongs under binders, textbooks or anything that will serve.

Too often have we ridden all the way to the top bus loop because our throbbing units are just too bonerfied to get up.

Men of Boner Hill unite!

Enough is enough, we say.

The Administration spends money on new water fountains, new bathrooms and even compost dumps but cannot be bothered to repair the bumpy and uneven pavement that gyrates just perfectly enough to cause thousands of male students to become victims of unruly and sudden genital vascularization (a.k.a. surprise boners).

When we arrived at SFU, we had naively believed the awkward pubescent days of middle school and spontaneous boners over! We bussed up for our first days, full of hope, eager to start afresh and saw it all dashed to the wind the moment the bus started shaking.

The years have passed and nothing has changed. A black man was elected president and yet the curse of Boner Hill remains as powerful as ever, subjecting hundreds, nay thousands to public shame daily!

Now is the time for change! Men of Boner Hill unite!

Rise together and let your bulges be seen with pride so that our erectile struggle be known and our penises may one day enjoy the freedom of erectile choice we had once believed to be our unalienable post-pubescent right!

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society