Over 200 neglected students discovered in quorum mill bust

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Shocking: students were forced to participate in student government

By Gary Lim
Photos by Alison Roach

BURNABY — A shocking discovery was made last week when security discovered over 200 students locked in large metal cage in Convocation Mall. The students were found Friday, after library patrons reported whining noises coming from outside.

According to the police report, the students were found in poor condition after spending almost an hour wedged in cramped seats, many of whom apparently rendered deaf from speaker-related ear damage.

First responder Michelle Eckmann gave a grim description of what she came across after cutting through metal grating.

“The first thing I remember, more vividly than anything else was the smell. It burned your eyes and throat. Then we spotted them, the students huddled in the corner. They were clearly confused and afraid; we could see their arms were emaciated and deformed from repeatedly sticking up orange and green pieces of paper.

“Many of them were completely unresponsive, just staring straight ahead, slack-jawed and drooling. The ones we were able to rouse all asked us the same thing if they’d won the iPad, and they kept trying to give us their tickets. We weren’t sure what was going on, or even if we wanted to know.”

On scene medical staff confirmed that the students had been trapped in the fences for upwards of 45 minutes, forced to subsist on nothing but stale coffee and pastries.

Police believe that the students were originally part of an underground voting ring that authorities broke up last month. Chief of security Henry Wallace commented on the discovery.

“It’s disgusting, student government gathers up these big groups of students with the intention of reaching quorum and after they’ve voted themselves stupid they just pick up and leave, leaving the students to fend for themselves.”

Wallace also said, “The students have since been placed under the care of the province, but that’s not an indefinite solution. If not adopted, many of these students will unfortunately be euthanized. But given their state, it’s the humane thing to do.”