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Doctors unable to find methanol in “poisoned” SFU students; balls neither

Humour
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EIC
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By Gary Lim
BALI — An international studies class from SFU made national news early morning today after being involved in a brief scare where it was believed the students had consumed methanol-laced alcohol.

After lengthy examination by doctors during a stay at the Sanglah Public Hospital, it was discovered the symptoms experienced by the students stemmed not from consumption of any toxic substances but rather from a case of them “being total pussies.”

Chief physician on call, Dr. Joseph Ocampo, descibes what happened that night. “Their professor brought in 13 of [the students] at 11 p.m. Thursday night. The students were unresponsive to questioning and several had reportedly been crying and vomiting earlier in the evening.”

“We were prepping them up for a tox-screen, specifically asking them what they’d been drinking earlier. But then their group leader told us they’d had almost an entire mickey of Fireball between them and that the students spent the last several hours telling each other how much they loved them.” We immediately diagnosed then each of them with a severe case of FLW. Fucking lightweight syndrome.

“Hahahahahahaahha,”added Dr. Ocampo high-fiving his collegues.

The Peak was able to get in contact with the leader of the group, anthropology professor Dr. Dana Paxton via phone from the hospital lobby.

“We suffered a real scare today. Usually I just swap out their regular beer for the non-alcoholic stuff I grab from the Bintang Seminyak (Indonesian grocery chain), then me and the TAs get shittered in our rooms. But I guess we missed the Fireball, didn’t really consider that to be alcohol. I guess I’ll be more careful next time. ”

One student was crying in the hallway, begging the gathered crowd of CBC reporters not to tell her parents.

As of press time, all 13 students were wide awake and excitedly conversing about how hung-over they were going to be when they were done being drunk.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society