By Brad McLeod
Point:My dad could beat up your dad
Billy (2nd grade student/ Proud son)
Listen, I know this only started because you wanted a sip from my juice box and I wouldn’t’ let you so you threatened to beat me up but . . . I think I need to let you know that my dad could totally kick your dad’s ass. I mean, really, who are we kidding? My dad is amazing. He’s like seven feet tall and can lift around, I’ll say, a million pounds. Now, I’ve never seen your dad but I’m sure he’s way weaker than that. Plus, my dad is the best at punching. Ask anyone. Ask my mom. Ask any of my moms. Sometimes he practices his punches on me. My dad’s so good at punching and kicking that one time, my mom had to phone the police and then he was so strong that they had to use a Taser just to stop him from beating them all up. And my dad’s super smart too. He’s gotten fired from every job he’s had because he’s always smarter than his bosses and he doesn’t even have to pay taxes because he lives out of his van and the government doesn’t know where he is. My dad’s really important too. He always has to go to meetings downtown where he wears a suit and sometime even this tough-looking orange jumpsuit. He’s so busy that he hasn’t even had time to visit me in over a year. He’s always too occupied with drinking packs of his “loopy juice” and fighting with his friends at the park. So I think I can confidently say that there’s no way your dad would stand a chance against my dad in a hypothetical fight.
Counterpoint: Goddammit he’s right, my dad’s a total pussy
Tony (Classmate/ Ashamed son)
Shit, you’re right. I wish I had your dad, mine is such a wuss. First of all he’s only six feet tall and there’s no way he could lift a million pounds. He’s lucky if he finds time for the gym in between coaching my little league team and helping me with my homework. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad punch anyone. My mom wouldn’t even know, it’s never come up during any of our family board game nights or outings to the park for kite flying. And he’s definitely never practiced his punches with me; hell, he doesn’t even like me playing violent video games — he always says we should be going outside and playing catch. What an asshole! And my dad must be a moron because he always has to pay his taxes and has never been fired at any of the engineering firms he’s worked at. Plus, my dad certainly isn’t as important as yours, he doesn’t even wear an orange suit on casual Friday. I mean, he’s always there for me, he doesn’t drink “loopy juice” and him and his friends just play cards for fun. No fighting, just cards! Your dad could probably take mine down in one punch. Anyways, since there’s no chance of them actually fighting, I’m just going to beat you up myself. Unless you want to reconsider that juice box sip? No? Alright, let me know if this is anything like the way your dad punches.
