Virtual unknown sweeps Internet comedy awards
In an unprecedented event, a virtual unknown swept the “IVAs” Internet video awards, last night. The video featuring several ducklings following a cat that they believed to be their mother beat out such prominent videos, as “fainting goat shenanigans” and “turtle stuck on back” for the coveted accolade.
Director of the short xXLusciousKoala1993Xx told reporters that she caught sight of the scene in a local park and was inspired to shakily film it on her iPhone 3G. Her motivation for the featurette was “because it was like the cutest thing ever!”
The decision has drawn its share of criticism however, chiefly from Lee Fields, the director of “Cat sits on baby”, the previous favorite to win. “Cat Sits on Baby was not even nominated. What video won? ‘Ducklings Following’ motherfucking ‘Cat’! That’s why the IVAs don’t matter.”
— Alex Lexington
BMO booths test limits of human eye contact
Over the last nine months, undergraduate psychology students have been working under a team of PhD candidates engaging in an extreme social experiment testing the limits of human eye contact avoidance.
Disguised as Bank of Montreal employees, the researchers routinely tried to engage their fellow students from several booths set up across all three SFU campuses and a handful of SkyTrain stations. The results were astonishing.
Lead researcher Julia Breenstein noted, “It was amazing, once we were in our business casual and behind those blue booths, it was like we completely vanished. We even purposefully tried to grab people’s attention with free Air Miles Reward Miles, but we still weren’t able to catch the eye contract of a single person. ”
Breenstein went on to add, “The research indicated identical findings to that of an Italian team who studied a similar phenomenon with Watchtower magazines.”
—Jeffrey Jefferson
Laugh riot breaks out downtown
The calm of Sunday evening was shattered last weekend, as audience members from a Jeff Dunham comedy special being filmed in the Commodore Ballroom poured out into the empty streets.
Although inititally content to chuckle to themselves, the brouhahas took a violent turn for the worse when, unprovoked, the crowds began quoting lines from the show. As shouts of “Silence, I kill you!” and “Onna stick” filled the night, the sound of broken glass from storefronts soon followed.
In the aftermath of the riot, many critics decried the slow response time of the VPD. The rioters had free reign over the city for over an hour before the riot police arrived on scene, and began dispersing the crowds with loudspeakers blaring Nietzsche’s “Beyond Good and Evil” and posters of Ethiopian orphans plastered on their police shields.
—Pasqual Passerby
By Gary Lim
