Ask Mystic Gary: Relationship Woes

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Dear Mystic Gary,

My boyfriend and I have been in a steady, committed relationship for just over three years now. We even moved in together last October, and now share an apartment. But even though we now live together, it feels like we hardly see each other with our busy schedules, and now I’m afraid we’re drifting apart. Please help.

— Lost in Lougheed

 

Dear Lost,

While your plight pains me so like crane that has swallowed fish bone, I must interject, don’t you people ever write in just to say hello? By taking the mystic’s oath I am sworn to help all who seek my sage counsel. But you could still come by for mahjong, or tea, or something not so stereotypical.

Anyways as for your problem, matters of love are as as fickle as political dissident who will not reveal meeting location of compatriots. But I have seen enough of your western romantic comedies starring Matthew McConaughey to understand that most of these situations can be remedied by a grand gesture of love.

But these grand gestures can often be time-consuming and economically unsound. So rather than single gesture to show your partner how much he or she means to you, instead try several hundred inadequate, hastily assembled measures.

Rather than whisking her off her feet with a romantic getaway in the city, or surprising him with tickets to the playoffs “just because,” why not try lobbing several handfuls of those chalky candy hearts at them everyday for a month.

If you doubt me, just take a stroll through you rlocal Hallmark store and see how many items you find with “Made in China,” compared to, say, “Made in anywhere else.” Cheap economic love manufactured under cruel conditions is most superior every time!

 

May your relationship have the strength of 10,000 li

 

—Mystic Gary

 

By Gary Lim