Man loses 500 pounds through prayer.

By Brad McLeod

Tagline: Morbidly obese man beats weight through prayer, lack of religion.

A local man recently lost an unprecedented amount of weight in a remarkably short amount of time, but he is attributing it to an unexpected source. Hal Gunderson, a formerly fat man from Delta, B.C. is claiming to have lost over 500 pounds thanks to prayer: not God, but the physical act of prayer.

Gunderson claims he first discovered this form of exercise when he visited his local church in search of answers to his many ailments.

“I was feeling real bad,” recalls Gunderson, “I was always being discriminated against because of my weight and I felt unable to make a connection with anyone.”

“I thought nobody loved me but then I read a brochure that talked about a guy named Jesus who did love me and I decided to give him a chance. When I was at the church, I didn’t really gain any enlightenment but when we were asked to bow our heads and kneel I felt a physical exertion I hadn’t felt in years.”

“From that point on I just kept praying  . . . I went to every mass I could and I did about 100 reps of prayer before I went to sleep at night. I guess you could say I stuck to it religiously,” he added.

Gunderson also stated that he plans to make a series of instructional DVDs on how to shed pounds with prayer. “I go from just your basic prayers to more advance techniques such as cross-training and double bible squats; this video is going to be the complete package and I think people are going to be stoked about it.”

Although the majority of the population is “stoked”, Gunderson has one major opponent: the Catholic church has released a statement condemning Gunderson for “making a mockery of the holy act of prayer.

“What this man is doing is wrong, prayer is about connecting with God, not losing weight,” said Archbishop Francis Xavier. “If people are looking to stay healthy they should look no further than Pope Benedict’s DVD: Pilates with the Pope. Two divinely easy payments of $19.99,” he intoned.