tophumour
PR-lady from athletics department holds mandatory teach-in on why football is problematic
January 5, 2026By: An unsuspecting student I was walking to the bus loop after a long day of classes when a shadowy pink and yellow figure suddenly appeared out of nowhere. A bag was then shoved over my head and my hands were zip-tied together. All I could smell was Chanel No. 10 Eau de Toxique Florale Gaz — don’t ask me how I know. The next thing I knew, I felt myself being pulled in all directions and down endless steps before finally coming to a stop. I heard a door creak open eerily. Someone then grabbed my shoulders and plopped…
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Survival guide: post-holiday edition
January 5, 2026By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Diva After the holidays, everything sucks. I love the part of winter when all I do is stuff my face with carbs and cocktails, because, well, it’s carbs and cocktail time. However, now that the holiday…
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Hallmark presents: Love on the Mountaintop
December 20, 2025By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor and an executive producer with Hallmark MAGGIE BENSTON CENTRE - REGISTRAR SERVICES DESK SIMON FRASER UNIVERSITY HOLLY is conversing with REGISTRAR OFFICE LADY. The room is grey with no Christmas decorations in sight. HOLLY (to…
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The Clausgate Scandal: How Big Beverage tried to cancel Christmas
December 20, 2025By: Zainab Salam, Reporter in Hiding By the time the headline “Santa Claus Hates Everyone” ricocheted across the internet and news outlets, the world had already begun cancelling Christmas. Children sobbed into their half-eaten gingerbread men. Christmas influencers rebranded as…
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I give a guy a chance . . . and look what happened
December 19, 2025By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Diva I just got back from a date, and . . . wow. There might be a lot of fish in the sea, but damn, the sea is POLLUTED. This guy was a nightmare! He picked…
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How long will Carney’s government last? We asked a tea leaf reader
December 19, 2025By: Ashi, Multiverse 538.10.1.4’s top-grossing divinator How long will this government survive? Read on to find out! Remember to follow my TikTok for exclusive digital palm reading. Hiiii, lovelies! Welcome back to my Federal Future Forecast Series, where I ask…
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Hey kid, how do I get to the Lorne Davies Complex?
December 18, 2025By: Sasha Rubick, SFU Student It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday, cloudy, and campus is deserted. The commuter students fled home yesterday, and the Burnaby campus residents are hunkered down in their concrete boxes. I’m headed home to my dorm,…
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Reimagining Shakespeare: The campus is but a stage
December 18, 2025By: Zainab Salam, Opinions Editor Jess: a fourth-year student, burdened by ambition and Wi-Fi issues. Advisor: a keeper of bureaucratic riddles, and a destroyer of hopes and dreams. Professor: philosopher, lecturer, and a veteran of many, endless faculty meetings. Barista:…
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Men’s washroom etiquette 101
December 18, 2025By: Akashdeep Dhaliwal, SFU Student So here’s when it all started. In September of my first year, I walked into an SFU men’s washroom for the very first time. As I was walking towards the only available urinal, I saw…
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SFU employee spills the tea about her embezzlement-obsessed colleague
December 8, 2025By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Investigator The following is a satirical and fictional commentary. Oh boy, do we have some juicy tea for you. Have you ever wanted to say, “Fuck the system!” and chug some milk while your boss has…
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