Satire
Fans of gross tumorous, discoloured plants celebrate the return of decorative gourd season
September 29, 2014While most sane people steer clear of these off-putting, rejected squashes — perhaps in fear that the haphazard bumps and off-colour patterns are transferable through mere touch — some of the populous is indeed thrilled to have those dumb yet festive-looking gourds readily available in the produce aisle again. “September is definitely our busiest time of year for them,” says local produce manager Stephanie Miller about the bumpy, maybe-they-were-supposed-to-be-pumpkins-at-one-point gourds. “It’s like Christmas for folks in the decorative gourd industry. “There’s just something about the changing seasons that drives people to fill woven baskets with gourds and leave them sporadically…
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Fall fashion advice from someone who doesn’t know anything about fashion
September 29, 2014Hey fashionistas/fashionettes, I’m Jacey von Style, and I’m here to tell you everything I think you should probably know about this season’s hottest fashion trends. First off, it’s fall, so that means average temperatures are going to be lower than…
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League of Legends tournament accidentally breaks world record for most single men in one place
September 25, 2014Late last week, Guinness World Records made a surprising announcement when it declared that the 2014 League of Legends World Championship had accidentally gathered the highest number of bachelors in a single place, shattering the previously held record. The annual…
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Turning the page on tech innovation with bookbook™
September 22, 2014Recently Ikea has been making world headlines with its innovative bookbook™, a new revolutionary device that’s small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Straying from their traditional Ikea Edge, this new bookbook is a slim and sleeker…
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Instagram introduces new filters to help trick people into thinking you’re cool and interesting
September 22, 2014Social media juggernaut Instagram announced earlier this week that it would be adding a brand new series of filters meant to further fool your friends and acquaintances into believing your life is a lot more notable than it actually is.…
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Female Body Inspector forced to go undercover at family dinner, put on a sweater
September 22, 2014Despite routinely displaying his role as a trained and trusted FBI: Female Body Inspector, a 13-year old operative is reportedly working undercover at tonight’s dinner — you know, because grandma’s coming. Justin Wilderman, who’s been an FBI for almost three…
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Research confirms Adam Sandler movies too lowbrow for Great Apes
September 22, 2014What was once mere speculation and popular opinion has now been confirmed: a study released last week by the Entirely Real Institute of Humour and Evolution has produced shocking information regarding Adam Sandler films and the reactions they elicit from…
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Cops: The Musical hits sour note in Ferguson
September 15, 2014Fifteen people have been hospitalized with varying injuries after the debut performance of Cops: The Musical in Ferguson, Missouri resulted in violent rioting. Eyewitnesses from the event say protesters trampled people and mobbed the stage immediately following the second half…
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Burning down the house
September 15, 2014A fire department in the Lower Mainland has recently come under fire for reportedly hiring only attractive, strapping young individuals instead of older, more experienced firefighters. With recent financial cutbacks and the rising cost of inflation, the fire department has…
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Writer gets article published in The Peak
September 8, 2014Max Hill, a communications student currently studying at Simon Fraser University, recently had this very article published in the humour section of The Peak, the school’s student newspaper. Hundreds of students have since read this article, and reception has been…
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