Fall fashion advice from someone who doesn’t know anything about fashion

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Hey fashionistas/fashionettes,

I’m Jacey von Style, and I’m here to tell you everything I think you should probably know about this season’s hottest fashion trends.

First off, it’s fall, so that means average temperatures are going to be lower than they have been the last couple of months. Keep that in mind when you’re deciding whether or not you want to wear shorts or a dress instead of pants. But pants are always a good call, especially if you’re going to be out after the sun goes down. Sometimes it gets colder at night than it was during the day. So even if you’re thinking about wearing shorts, maybe wear pants instead. No one looks good in faux pas goosebumpy calves.

As September turns in October, make sure you’re wearing plenty of browns. Or is it plenty of oranges? I can’t really remember which one it is, but I’m definitely almost 100 per cent sure it’s one of the colours that leaves change into when they’re dying. Honestly, if you just pick a colour and wear a lot of it, people probably won’t even notice. Just don’t wear yellow. Everyone always looks like they have the flu when they wear yellow.

I’m pretty sure scarves are a thing people wear during the fall. Some folks look a lot better when their neck is covered, but other folks have really nice necks. Scarves are also great at hiding hickeys, or if you’re a character in a young adult fiction novel, scarves are perfect for hiding vampire bite marks. Just make sure it’s not an infinity scarf, unless you’re a total jackass — in that case, wear two infinity scarves so people can know to avoid you.

Another must-have for the fall season: shirts. Lots of shirts. Well, maybe not a lot of shirts. You’ll want seven of them, or at least five, so you can make it through the work week without wearing the same shirt twice. If you don’t have a full-time job, feel free to shed a few shirts and stick to a revolving door of maybe three. The worn-out look is mega-in right now, so be sure to rock it with your dirty, continuously worn garments.

Did I mention how hot hot hot socks are right now? Some fashion gurus are (probably) calling 2014 the ‘Year of the Sock,’ so hop on that clothing bandwagon before it fizzles and becomes tacky. They’re a miracle accessory to any outfit: they look great when they’re completely hidden by the shoes you’re wearing, they protect against blisters, and also keep your shoes from getting that weird odour when you go sockless too many times close together. You know the smell I’m talking about. 

Of course, a guide to fall fashion wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t talk about hats. People like wearing them, but while hats are predominantly a balding person’s look for most of the year, fall is the perfect season to start wearing them yourself. Why should bald people get to have all the fun?

Well, those are all of the hot tips I have for the 2014 fall fashion season. I mean, there’s probably more. I’m likely forgetting some major ones, but they might not even be fashionable by the time you read this article. Isn’t fashion hard? Just stick to everything I’ve told you and this season will be your most fashionable season yet. I hope.