news satire
LEAKED: SFU and UBC to announce joint holiday celebration
November 30, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor BURNABY, BC — With a recording of a leaked phone call, an anonymous whistleblower shared news of an SFU and UBC collaboration for the first time in 23 years. Presidents Joy Johnson and Santa J. Ono allegedly scheme to create a mandatory holiday for all students, borrowing its title from their first names: Santa Joy. An excerpt from the leaked call is transcribed as follows. JOY JOHNSON: . . . need to bring students back to campus as soon as possible after the holidays. With our alliance, we could add pressure to other institutions. Once…
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SFU’s Earth Science Department has their own bones and no-bones days
November 28, 2021By: Tamanna T., Staff Writer Professor Xiomara Singh from SFU’s earth science department has initiated her own version of Bones Day, inspired by Noodle the pug from TikTok. SFU has allocated $82,000 to this project, led by Singh and her…
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Professor set assignment due date time of 10:00 a.m.
November 25, 2021By: Craig Allan, Peak Associate Professor Backenangel in the anthropology department upset his students by setting a due date for 10:00 a.m. instead of 11:59 p.m. on October 26. Students panicked at this announcement, fearing the time would affect their…
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Research group “Mankind” denies new SFU research
September 6, 2021By: Jacob Mattie, Peak Associate In a recent press report, gender-proud man and SFU materials science researcher Mike Roeskòp alleged that diamond remains the hardest substance known to mankind. He and his all-male entourage have refused to talk to literally…
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Trudeau’s new beard “full of secrets,” sources said last Wednesday
January 8, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor As Prime Minister Justin Trudeau dons a scruffy new look for the new year, sources close to him have suggested that his new facial hair may have an ulterior motive. “He’s totally rich because…
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