Horoscopes
Horoscopes September 18 – 24
September 19, 2023By: C Icart, Humour Editor I spent the past couple days watching Selling the OC trying to acquire wealth through osmosis. What out of context quote from the Selling universe will predict your week? Aries: “When in doubt, hide behind your empanadas.” — Bre Tiesi. ‘Nuff said, honestly. There’s nothing a yummy filling and deliciously savoury pastry cannot fix. You cut someone off with your car? Empanada. You accidentally wore non-matching shoes to class? Empanada. You tripped and fell in front of your crush? Em-pa-na-da! Taurus: “We’re both eagles. Eagles fly alone, and birds fly in flocks. And they’re a…
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Horoscopes September 4 – 10
September 5, 2023By: Gurneet Lohcham, SFU Student Aries We know you’ve already created your Halloween playlist, and I can bet you anything that the Ghostbusters (1984) soundtrack is definitely on it. But do you really need to be listening to that in…
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Horoscopes July 24 – 30
July 25, 2023By: Alex Ileto, Peak Associate Aries Thwip! Welcome to your Spiderverse era. Just like Miles, prepare to battle your parallel universe counterparts (AKA your inner demons) who are much cooler and more successful than you are. The alternate universe where…
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Horoscopes July 10 – 16
July 10, 2023By: C Icart, Humour Editor Aries: You, my friend, are going to have a dream about a flawed ostrich that knows how to fly. It insists on teaching fellow ostriches about the magic of flight, but it’s not working. The…
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Horoscopes June 26 – July 2
June 27, 2023By: Hana Hoffman, Peak Associate Aries To all of y’all Aries who get onto buses from the Transportation Centre near the stairs and piano, y’all really need to start taking advantage of the Transit Exchange near Blusson Hall so you…
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Horoscopes May 29–June 4
June 1, 2023By: C Icart, Humour Editor Aries: Like a true fire sign, you will burn if you do not forward this message to everyone on your contacts list. As in, you will get a sunburn with embarrassing tan lines because you…
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Horoscopes May 23 – 28
May 22, 2023By: Hana Hoffman, Peak Associate Aries - Aster You’re an aster, and you like to move faster! Every task you face is a day to race, and nobody else can match your pace. But be careful, doing everything in a…
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Horoscopes March 27–April 2
March 29, 2023By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor Aries: Precious Aries, you deserve a companion who knows how to soothe your rage, which we have determined will be directed toward leather bus seats today. We think the kind Blissey will make you smile just…
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Horoscopes March 6 – 10
March 9, 2023By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer and Knower of Everything Aries You decided to take the day off today, ‘cause you’re young, wild, and free! You need to go to Whistler to ski; you’re trying to beat that weekend rush. Your…
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Horoscopes February 27–March 3
February 28, 2023By: Petra Chase, Arts & Culture Editor Aries: The Stars say to hold off on cutting bangs. Hey, what are you doing with those dull scissors? Oh wait . . . the stars are picking up on a new frequency…
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