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SFU’s men soccer puts five goals past Saint Martin’s

By
EIC
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0
Adam Jones (#10) had two goals and two assists in the game.

The 2016–17 season has been a bright one for the SFU men’s soccer team so far.

The Clan blew up Saint Martin’s defence and showed goalkeeper Griffin Small no mercy. Five goals from Adam Jones, Mamadi Camara, and Magnus Kristensen sent SFU’s men’s soccer team on its way to a thumping victory after a recent draw against the Western Washington Vikings. The Clan, currently ranked first in the Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC), was astonishing offensively.

Midfielder Jones had an incredible performance, netting two goals and two assists. Camara also notched two goals, while defender Kristensen scored the first goal of the contest.

Saint Martin’s University’s (SMU) nightmare started 17 minutes in, with Kristensen directing a high volley under an assist by Jones, and scoring his first goal of the season.

Coach Clint Schneider reflected on Kristensen’s performance: “For Magnus to get a goal, of course, it’s awesome. I’d love for him to get goals. We have an award in our change room called ‘The Grumpiest Man of the Year Award,’ and he’s [Kristensen] won that award [. . .] Hopefully, it’ll turn his frown upside down after that goal.”

Schneider also commented on goalkeeper Brandon Watson, who recently became GNAC’s all-time leader in shutouts. “What an incredible career,” said Schneider. “We’re pretty lucky to have a guy like that.”

Camara deployed his magic in the last minutes of the first half. Jones powered through the midfield, assisting Camara with a long lob pass. Camara cut past SMU’s defence and did not hesitate to fire the ball in the empty net.

Five minutes into the second half, captain Ryan Dhillon raced in the right flank before firing the ball to Jones, who deflected a perfect shot past Griffin Small. Jones scored his second goal less than a minute later. Thirty minutes before the final buzzer, Camara and Dhillon combined for a strong finish. Camara delivered a low ball just inside the right post.

Freshman Riley Pang, who’s scored three goals this season, was injured during the game’s performance. Schneider expects him to be able to play at the next game on October 27.

Schneider acknowledged his players’ explosive comeback. “We talked about making sure of a bounce-back. We are pleased as a coaching staff. We didn’t play to our ability against Western Washington. I’m glad that we came back. It’s all about commitment and I continue to trust them.

“At the end of the day, it’s just about wins,” said Schneider. “I am very pleased with the performance. That’s exactly what we’re trying to get out of the guys at this point,” he added.

The team is currently one of the four unbeaten teams in the NCAA Division II. The Clan will now take on the Montana State University Billings Yellowjackets on October 27 at 7 p.m.

Halloween is the best holiday, and you can’t tell me otherwise

By
EIC
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0

When you were a kid, odds are you said Halloween was your favourite holiday. If you’re smart like me, it’s still your first choice in adulthood.

Nothing really changes about Halloween over the years, so why would our perception? Take a minute to think of all the things you loved about Halloween as a child, and see if any of them could still be relevant to your adult festivities.

For starters, consider the free candy — the most obvious choice. Even as adults, we encounter free sweets all around our most frequently visited locations: work, school, hairdressers, etc. No, you don’t get as much as you did for trick-or-treating, but you still don’t have to pay for it. Besides, your dentist will thank you for the downsize later.

The next best part of Halloween was the decorations. Fog machines were my main aesthetic before I even knew what an aesthetic was. I looked forward to admiring the decked-out houses all year, wishing that one day, my own home would look like that too. As an adult, I may not own a house, but I sure as shit own a lot of awesome Halloween decorations.

Don’t forget about the parties! Back in school, my class often had an entire afternoon off to throw ourselves a Halloween party. Looking back, it might seem hard to improve on those childhood gatherings, but those of us who enjoy a casual drink or 12 have perfected the art of the holiday party. Halloween bashes are even better for me now that my social anxiety disappears after a glass of beer. Thank you, alcohol!

Now, what is everyone’s least favourite part of holidays as an adult? Family obligations. These can be anything from having to spend money on gifts you don’t want to give, to making sure you’ve visited 37 different relatives over the course of five days. You know what holiday doesn’t involve family unless you want it to? Halloween.

Even as a kid, the most bonding time you generally got was during trick-or-treating, at the moment you emptied your full bag of candy into the empty plastic bag your mom brought as a backup. Family time is important, sure, but it’s nice to give yourself a break once in a while.

Yet ultimately, the part of Halloween which held the most significance for me was the costumes. See, when I was younger, I didn’t always feel super comfortable with who I was, so I always settled for who I thought I should be. A lot of the time, this meant acting and dressing in ways I didn’t really want to.

But even today, I find that my costumes serve as an exception to this: reflections of a version of myself that I wish I was. Halloween was the one day of the year I could wear whatever I wanted, act however I wanted, and just generally be myself.

If you only felt like yourself one day a year, you’d probably learn to love that day, too.

Don’t restrict me to “scary” Halloween costumes

By
EIC
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0

Like many other holidays, Halloween has evolved from what it once was, barely holding onto its past roots. Once the night for everyone to dress up in their most monstrous attire, evolving gradually from its beginnings as a Celtic festival, it’s become a night of salacious Harley Quinn’s and cute yellow Minions; far from the supernatural day of rituals it once was.

Let’s be honest: what do we think of when we think of Halloween? Does the fact that Halloween is around the corner scare you? Are you afraid of how frightening everyone’s going to look? Me neither.

It’s said that people used to dress up in response to the wandering spirits of the night, either to hide from them or scare them off. Whatever the case may have been, that practical use has ended. Today, Halloween is about letting people indulge in things that society normally frowns upon: loads of chocolate and candy, dressing any way you like, and much more.

Your Halloween costumes don’t need to be monstrous. You can go for ugly, cute, or any number of other looks. There’s no reason to shy away from dressing as, say, a sexy nurse, or your favourite pop culture icon.

To be honest, I think the gradual shift of Halloween to a more “any costume goes” mindset is both better and more progressive. One day, the people of the future will look back and ask what the point of limiting yourself to “scary” costumes was, when we all knew that there wasn’t any point to it.

Halloween is only one night out of the year, and for many people, it’s developed into a chance to express their creativity and skills. Some dedicated fanatics spend hours putting on elaborate face and body makeup, or creating their own attire from scratch.

Changing our expectations of Halloween costumes might be seen as ruining tradition, spitting in the face of our forefathers — but it’s not like they never spat in the face of their forefathers.

Traditions change with the times. They’re fluid, and are based on those observing them. Their celebrators can share, change, and reject them as they see fit. Do you think that even today’s holiday traditions were the same 100 years ago? Instead of fighting change, let’s embrace it.

The changes in how we celebrate holidays persist whether you see them as progress or regression. Although your views about costume appropriateness on Halloween may differ from your neighbours’, it’s best to appreciate the holiday with an open mind and heart, putting aside your differences to enjoy this one-day event. After all, Santa takes over the very next day.

Stop guilt-tripping me over my trick-or-treating haul

By
Peak Web
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0

Anyone who’s ever accompanied me for a dinner date knows my sugar addiction inside and out. If modern science could just harness my pure little sweet tooth’s power, we could scrap all our efforts to find clean and alternative energy sources right here and now.

Contrary to what I put out there in my daily life, I’m awfully self-conscious about my  glucose-loving heart. It’s no wonder, then, that I have so much love in my heart for a day where you’re theoretically free to chomp as much chocolate as you desire without reproach.

But there’s a gruesome Grinch in all of this who spoils the fun of drawing near the edge of spoiling your teeth. The devil of despair who shames you for willingly pumping yourself full of beautifully saccharine poison: the modern online dietitian.

As I scroll through the latest Halloween-themed hot takes on Google News, I’ll inevitably come across articles telling me which candies are the most unhealthy, or quizzing me on the calorie counts of each variety. They’re even scaring me with urban legends of drugged candy — which more often than not, turn out to be less a product of random lacings and more a result of, say, poisonings by family members or coincidences.

And honestly? Maybe this is an overreaction, but it’s all just so extra.

Candy isn’t good for you? Thanks, tips! Of course it’s not the healthiest — it’s not designed to be. I’m indulging by the bucketfuls on Halloween precisely because it’s a special occasion and I can afford to disregard the dangers for one day. Parents, children, teens, young adults — maybe we can’t memorize the nutritional information of a Snickers bar, but we all know that candy can be bad in excess.

As a result, when people write Halloween-based articles about the supposed dangers of excessive candy, it reads like a total waste of my time. You’re not telling me anything new; you’re just tarnishing my holiday to fill whatever quota you need to for your employer this week, or to satisfy whatever urge drives you to voice your opinions on everyone else’s health.

That is what my frustration really boils down to. I’m a grown-ass person, as is a good amount of the Earth’s population. Yet even outside of articles, there are so many people who feel the need to make snide comments about how other people eat.

I’ll freely admit that I personally invite it sometimes, too, because I acknowledge that I’m a big eater, and I’m able to laugh at myself for it and try to be mindful of not crossing a line with my health. But one person being able to deal with a behaviour doesn’t make it universally acceptable.

It’s great to want to encourage people to treat their bodies better, and many will thank you for it. But Halloween isn’t the day, and spoiling a candy-haul isn’t the method. I really, really don’t care if I hit “15 grams of carbohydrates” this year, and you shouldn’t be making others feel bad for doing so. Let me live out my sweetly pumpkin-y fantasies in peace.

Halloween is not an excuse to be a jackass

By
EIC
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0

“Since 1983, at Spirit Halloween, we have offered a wide and balanced range of Halloween costumes that are inspired by, celebrate, and appreciate numerous cultures.”

This is the pithy excuse of a costume supplier defending its shittiest creations, including indigenous princess “Queen of the Tribe,” Caitlyn Jenner’s Vanity Fair cover, a Day of the Dead dress, a kid’s Geisha outfit — seriously, the list goes on. It’s like they tried to check off every racist, bigoted box they could.

What’s worse is that, when called out on their bigotry, Spirit Halloween dug in their heels. A group of activists in Regina put together a guerilla campaign to combat the selling of culturally insensitive costumes by putting warning labels on any costume labelled “Indian” or “indigenous.” Apart from pointing out the obvious racism, the warning labels also noted that there are upwards of 4,000 missing and murdered indigenous women and girls in Canada, and that an inquiry is currently underway.

Spirit Halloween shot back, lambasting the campaign for “defacing our products.”

There’s a special place in hell reserved for people who double down when called out on something they’ve done wrong (see: Donald Trump). And it’s clear that Spirit Halloween didn’t have to defend its products: just last week, UK costume supplier McCulloch’s Costume Co. pulled its “native” costumes off the shelves just 15 hours after consumers started a petition against them. “It was never our intention to offend anyone,” the owner said.

Change like this is almost always incremental, and it’s a credit to activists who spoke up to raise awareness and encourage businesses to think about the messages they’re sending. While this doesn’t defend McCulloch’s actions, at least they were willing to own up to their mistake and make amends. Spirit Halloween could learn a lot from their example.

At the end of the day, though, it’s as much the fault of those buying the costumes as it is of those supplying them. You could argue that “native” costumes aren’t as over-the-top as wearing blackface or buying a Hitler outfit, but thinking of racism in degrees is like saying it’s OK to have a little bit of cancer. It’s still going to kill you.

This criticism also applies to costumes that make light of abuses, like Bill Cosby costumes, or that costume of Donald Trump assaulting Melania.

Not only is it obviously a dick move, but it’s also super lazy. Can you really not think of a better costume? Is it too much to ask that you think of something that doesn’t make someone feel like crap, or like they don’t matter? That’s the logic of a bully, and rule number one of Halloween is that it’s all about being awesome, not being a jerk.

Anyone who thinks these costumes “celebrate and appreciate numerous cultures” needs to take a good, hard look in the mirror. Halloween is a great opportunity to be someone else for a day, but there are limits, and one of those limits is making sure you don’t take someone else’s experience and make a mockery of it.

Costumes can express important social messages

By
EIC
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0

This year has been a delight for political junkies (which seems to be everyone, nowadays) and late-night comedians. Our southern neighbours have done an outstanding job for more than a year now, providing us quotidian comic relief as we witness, in real time, the slow and painful decay of American democracy in the span of an election cycle.

The bigoted, tax-evading, orange non-billionaire versus the policy wonk, server-luddite love child of Washington and Wall Street — the comedy writes itself. If that wasn’t enough, I present to you: Nigel Farage of Brexit fame, global-big-brother Putin, Mike Duffy, Rob Ford, etc.

With the election drawing closer, Halloween can be a trite ritual or a truly memorable and kooky affair; but that requires you to worry less about who you’re going to offend with an outspoken costume, and more about what you want to express. Jemima Khan, a British reporter, did just that on the red carpet of UNICEF’s Halloween Ball, when she dressed up as Melania Trump — with a dummy of Donald Trump on her back, groping her privates.

The rest of the costumes at the ball were cute — and totally forgettable. Naturally, in a pool of mundanity, social media went gaga over Khan’s costume. While the others were aiming to play it safe and wear something tacky but not too controversial, Khan saw the event as a platform to raise awareness of the disturbing allegations against Trump through a striking visual. She wasn’t wearing a costume; she wore a confident political statement.

Halloween is perhaps the only major event on the calendar where you can make what you wear matter. But you still see the overwhelming majority of Halloweeners playing it safe with low-impact costumes. Perhaps they’re worried that they may not fetch as high a return on trick-or-treating if their costumes strike the wrong chord with people.

The modern rationalist has grown opinionated but wary to step on anyone’s toes; meanwhile, bigotry runs rampant with greater fervour than ever before. This holiday is a brief opportunity to try and resurrect the paralyzed “contest of ideas,” no matter our ideology or leanings.

What’s the worst that could happen if you expressed yourself? You might get lewd comments or a few people flipping the bird at you. But I’m certain you could make a hell of a lot more people stop and think, and that’s worthwhile.

Go ahead and wrap a dark, body-length poster around yourself and roam town in protest of the Kinder Morgan pipeline. Or dress as a makeshift home made of fake dollar bills to draw attention to rising house prices. For cat owners looking to pull off a Khan, you could stick little orange hands on your pets and take them trick-or-treating with you. The possibilities are endless.

There’s already a weekend set in the calendar when you gather around people of different ideological wavelengths who are vaguely related to you, eat a bird, and absolutely avoid even the slightest of political comments — it’s called Thanksgiving. But I believe Halloween could be the opposite: a time where you’re free to wear your politics on your sleeves, and be unafraid to make a point.

Topical pumpkin carving ideas for Halloween 2016

By
EIC
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0

A stranger the other day informed me that we were past the midpoint of October. To this, I said nothing. Because my mamma told me never to talk to strangers. Regardless, this particular time of year can mean only two things: there are pumpkins that need a carving, or it’s the time of year to get some cake and celebrate the 54th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis!

If you’re not celebrating the crisis and instead just carving some lame pumpkins, here are some ideas to help you impress all your friends. (Disclaimer: if you’re some sort of big shot and have more than four friends, we’re legally obliged to inform you that this assertion may not hold true.)

Ryan Lochte urinating outside a gas station

Ideally, include a small carving of the five Olympic rings somewhere on the pumpkin. Otherwise you might come across as someone who’s just really into public urination. Which I’ve been told is frowned upon in some societies.

The Gherkin

We’re not talking about the stuff that gets smuggled into your cheeseburger; we’re talking about the pride and joy of the London skyline. At least, that’s what you’ll tell everyone to seem cultured. But in actual fact, it just looks like a penis. Ah, dick jokes — they never get old.

The nonconformist

First, discard your pumpkin. Next, procure a watermelon (by any means). After having obtained a watermelon, paint said melon orange. Finally, carve any design you fancy. You can’t control me, society, I ain’t gonna be part of your system.

The state of the United Kingdom the morning after Brexit

You’ve got two options here:


  1.  A) A graph showing the pound crashing.
    B) Taking a hammer and smashing the pumpkin to a pulp.

    Either one will do.

A house party

This one’s going to require a deft touch. You’re going to need a socially awkward guy standing by a bowl of Doritos. Another guy making a concoction that’s going to give at least 20 percent of attendees alcohol poisoning. A group of girls ignoring the guys they’re clearly interested in. And, if you’ve got any real estate left on the pumpkin, someone who’s fallen asleep on the couch and has been inevitably turned into a human coat rack.

Harambe getting knighted by a “Hotline Bling” gyrating Drake

You’ve got to appease the Internet.

A shirtless Vladimir Putin riding a killer whale

Note: do not place pumpkin near another pumpkin that has the Ukrainian flag carved onto it.

John F. Kennedy and Nikita Khrushchev having eight beers, proclaiming their love for each other, and subsequently bringing an end to the Cuban Missile Crisis

That’s how it happened. Nobody’s going to tell me otherwise. To reiterate, celebrate the right occasion this October. You know, the one that means we’re all still on this planet and able to enjoy Halloween.

A practical guide to selling your soul

By
EIC
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0

So you’ve decided to sell your soul! Perhaps you’re drowning in student debt, want to buy yourself something pretty, or simply see no use for it anymore (I mean, really, how very 2010). Whatever your motivation, congratulations on taking this exciting step! But before you jump in headfirst, there are a few things you should know.

  1. Be realistic

    You may be thinking, “Fantastic! I already have     so little soul left. This will be a breeze!” Unfortunately for you, this is a market economy and you can’t just go around advertising damaged goods for top dollar. So, if you found Dolores Umbridge to be a sympathetic character, you may have to temper your expectations. In the spirit of spreading the wealth, though, there is a small signing bonus if you refer a friend — high purity referrals can rake in big money. That one friend who volunteers for pleasure instead of a resumé boost could keep you in Starbucks for a year.

  2. Commit

    The return policy when selling your soul is non-existent. This is not a try-before-you-buy situation. Once your soul is gone, it’s gone for good. If you’re someone who frequently changes your hair colour and/or your major, selling your soul may not be for you. Of course, there are those who have made the sale and later regretted it. They’re easily identifiable by their dead eyes and vague claims of support for the trendiest cause du jour. If you’re on the fence about selling, try student politics out to get a taste of what it’s like to be soulless.

  3. Read the fine print

    Now that you’ve sealed the deal, the fun truly begins! No longer burdened with a soul, you can finally take advantage of all the opportunities life has to offer. What you might not know is that there are caveats in that fiery contract you signed but didn’t read (let’s be real here). While there are very few limitations placed on your post-soul actions, the ones that do exist have some pretty nasty consequences — think fiery depths of hell, or the 135 packed with sweaty gym bros. If you were thinking of volunteering for the Trump campaign, take a pass. Even the Great Satan     has his limits.

  4. Enjoy!

    Congratulations, you’ve sold your soul! This is truly the first day of the rest of your life. While others worry about ethical this and sustainable that, you can now plow right over them and head straight to the top. In today’s job market, being soulless is more valuable than ever. Lie on that resume! Steal those ideas! Tell Susan from HR exactly where she can stuff it! The possibilities are endless, and it’s not like you feel guilt anymore. Your future career awaits, along with a series of trophy spouses, and a fleet of spoiled but obedient children that can be jettisoned once they’ve served their purpose. Ah, the sweet taste of success. Just sign on the dotted line.

SFU Contagion

By
EIC
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0


The following are excerpts from one fearless investigative journalist, who risked their personal well-being to bring the truth to public attention. Their research began with ominous rumours about one Vancouver post-secondary institution, Simon Fraser University, and the outlandish behaviour of its pupils. These logs were acquired through accessing their online cloud files. The journalist’s current state and whereabouts are unknown.  

 

Time: 09:17, 03/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

I’ve arrived safely at the SFU Burnaby location. To protect my identity, I will be adopting the alias of Miranda Macfarlane — an average, inconspicuous SFU student.

I enrolled at this school to follow up on reports of abnormal behaviour among SFU’s students. Some of the alleged behavioural oddities include spontaneous bouts of sleeping, immunity to loud noises and disturbances, and a bizarre sexual fixation on avocados. My supposition is that the students have been afflicted with a contagion of sorts, the source of which I cannot say.

I must now head to my first class. I will update later on the status of my investigation.

 

Time: 14:22, 03/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

My classes have ended for the day. I have observed that the students rely heavily on psychoactive substance abuse to get through their days. There are over seven dispensaries of 1,3,7-Trimethylpurine-2,6-dione (common name: caffeine) across this campus, and all of them have long lines.

Is this because students are tired? Or is there a more nefarious reason behind this dependency? For now, I cannot say, though I can say that something smells fishy, and it’s not fish (though the poor koi could do with a pond cleaning).

 

Time: 08:10, 04/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Vancouver

Latitude: 49.2848

Longitude: -123.1121

 

I have made it to the Vancouver campus. I feel slightly more at ease with my safety here, not being isolated on a mountain. There is civilization nearby which, while reassuring, could pose a liability if the site should need quarantining. I will attend my classes here keeping a keen eye out for similarities and differences in pupils’ behaviour between the two locations.

 

Time: 10:20, 04/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Vancouver

Latitude: 49.2848

Longitude: -123.1121

 

Students seem excessively lethargic during lecture. I believe this is likely a byproduct of the contagion, but it is doubtlessly supplemented by the professor’s lecture style. She has a PhD in psychology, and the rather impressive ability to speak in complete monotone without breathing. Could the affliction have spread to the teachers as well?


Time: 15:01, 06/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

I’m back at the Burnaby campus today. I have found a lead regarding the source of SFU’s virus. What appears to be radioactive goo the wall of the concrete stairwell that leads to the Maggie Benson parking lot. It is my theory that this is what’s causing the strange behaviour of SFU’s students. Most passersby assume it’s some kind neon mould, but I think it may very well be the work of aliens and/or an evil scientist. I shaded the substance from light and it still glowed phosphorescent. This nearly confirms my theory. I will investigate the goo further once I have proper safety materials.

 

Time: 17:40, 06/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

Near the library, I saw a family of Procyon lotor (common name: raccoons) rifling through the garbage. People passed by, unfazed by the fact that giant procyonidae were defacing school property. I worry that I am too late to save the students of this institution.

 

Time: 17:40, 07/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Surrey

Latitude: 49.1944

Longitude: -122.8495

 

The number of sleeping students is proliferating. Despite the beautiful architecture and modern design of the SFU Surrey campus, the students seem much more inclined to pay attention to the inside of their eye sockets. From my calculations, the rate of nappers seems to be increasing in correlation to the proximity of midterms.

While eavesdropping for further information, I heard one interactive arts and technology student say that a project partner from a previous semester determinedly avoided eye contact with him in the halls. Could this be related to the goo?

 

Time: 17:40, 09/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

I came in on a Sunday to inspect the potentially dangerous substance without disturbance. Despite my nitrile rubber suit, the substance had a degradation rate of under a minute. I may have been infected. Tell my iguana I love him.

 

Time: 19:04, 20/10/2016

Location: Simon Fraser University, Burnaby

Latitude: 49.2769

Longitude: -122.9148

 

Hey, sorry I haven’t been updating the logs, I’ve just been real busy with midterms and bussing everywhere and stuff. Today I bought another latte instead of my usual morning glass of strawberry milk. I’m so tired all the time . . .
. . . Is it just me, or does the rigid curvature of that avocado sculpture look really erotic?

 

 

Halloween costumes to terrify the SFU Student

By
EIC
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0

Halloween is just around the corner, so one might find themselves looking for a costume to terrify, tantalize, and titillate the average SFU student. Well, look no further! Here’s a list of five truly creepy costumes guaranteed to shock, mystify, and possibly offend.

The “late” bus driver
Students are standing around the bus loop waiting for the bus to arrive, but it never appears. Perplexed, the students glance across the street and see a lone zombified bus driver: cranky, tired, and complete with the bad attitude one can only develop after years of driving clueless first years around. Truly, a bus driver from hell.

 

The disappointed parent
Did you recently switch majors from criminology to English? Microbiology to gender studies? Computer science to philosophy? Well, look no further for a terrifying costume, because there’s nothing scarier than the embodiment of one’s own parent who’s “not angry, just disappointed” with your life choices. This includes the one where you dress up as them — and not just for your theatre performance program.

 

The incipient heart disease you’ve developed from all the junk food available at SFU
Triple O’s below the AQ, Menchie’s, Pizza Hut, two Starbucks, Tim Hortons, cheeseburgers available everyday at the dining hall — if you eat regularly at SFU, you are bound to develop some health issues. Why not stick it to the man (and your burgeoning heart problems) by dressing up as your favourite anthropomorphized diseased organ?

 

The robotic student advisor
Brimming with cash out their exhaust ports, these “career counsellors” with their whopping eight lines of dialogue (e.g. “Have you checked SFU calendar?” “Have you asked career services?”) and one emotion (oddly pleasant) are guaranteed to creep out fellow students. Especially those who have no idea what they’re doing at SFU and need some kind of advice from someone who can give you an answer more in-depth than “Major in what you like because employers are going to hire anyone with a degree anyway.”

The ghost of school pride
If you’re like me and couldn’t give less of a shit about festivities as pointless as Halloween, a holiday where everyone just tries to be this year’s most popular movie/television characters (Harley Quinn/Deadpool, anyone?) this costume is for you. All you need to do is don a raggedy cape, wear some ghoulish makeup and write “SFU School Spirit” across your forehead. The best part? Nobody will even notice you since they’re all too busy looking down in defeat, crawling from class to class trying to focus on the dreadful amount of homework and studying they have to finish — too dead to even notice the decaying corpse of SFU school spirit.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024