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Peak Sports Mailbag: Kyudo

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Nicole Magas, the Opinions Editor at The Peak, practicing kyudo. — Photo credit / Ariel Hudnall

By: Nicole Magas, Opinions Editor

Hello readers of The Peak sports section,

Welcome to the Peak Sports Mailbag. My name is Nicole Magas and I’m this week’s host of the kyudo-themed Mailbag. I practiced kyudo for about two years in Vancouver, Canada before I moved to Kyoto, Japan and practiced there for another year. I currently hold shodan (1st) rank in this martial art. This is the lowest rank of eight.

Thanks so much to all of our readers for submitting their kyudo-related questions, and my apologies if your question didn’t make it into this week’s edition. Usually, the Mailbag host will only answer three questions. Don’t worry though, as all questions submitted count for an entry into the raffle draw whether or not they are addressed in the Mailbag. Now, onto the questions!

Question 1: What does a kyudo tournament consist of ? – Cooper

This depends a little on how big of a tournament (international, local), and what kind of kyudo (the competition at Sanjusangendo — performed in vibrantly colored, traditional-style clothing — is a lot different from a regular tournament, both visually and physically). Speaking very generally, a tournament will involve members of a like-rank competing in groups of three to five. 

Kyudo is a very stylized martial art, often compared to standing meditation. As such, each individual motion — from one’s first step onto the floor, to the way one nocks an arrow, to the number and length of each breath taken — are as essential as hitting the actual target. Anyone can hit a target with enough practice and the correct posture. The beauty, and the great difficulty, in kyudo is in the path created between the archer, the bow, the arrow, and the target. 

Once the competitors have completed their entry, which will consist of bowing to the judges and the targets, they will line up and kneel in a line facing the judges, with the targets on their left. If they are shooting at close range (28 m), each competitor, starting with the one at the front, will stand and shoot, staggering when they stand, shoot, and kneel, in time with the sound of the string snap of those in front of them. This allows each judge to clearly see the current archer who is firing and to judge the correctness of their motions without being impeded by other archers in the line. If the shooting is long distance (90 m), competitors remain in a kneeling position while they shoot.

The number of arrows allotted to each archer will depend on whether or not they are in a team or individual competition, and on the individual guidelines and regulations of the tournament. The World Kyudo Tournament, for example, allows teams 12 arrows (four for each of the three archers) over two rounds, while individual archers are allowed four arrows.

Competitors are judged as much by how accurate their shots are to the center of the target, as they are by the poise, beauty, and intention of the motions performed in getting the arrow to its destination.

Question 2: What equipment is required to practice kyudo? – Murray

As with kendo, kyudo requires a large investment in specialized equipment for dedicated individuals. But, for those who are just starting out, comfortable clothing that is easy to move in, with a colour scheme of white top and black or dark colored pants without patterns, will do. Most established clubs will have equipment that can be borrowed once an archer is ready to start firing arrows (which can actually take quite a while).

At early levels, kyudo practitioners will want a set of keikogi, which consists of a white gi top, black hakama bottoms, white tabi socks, and a thick cotton obi belt. A specialized glove made from deerskin and resin called a yugake is used to draw the string back. In Kyudo, you do not pinch or pull the arrows or string with the fingers. Rather, the string is hooked on the hardened resin horn of the yugake where it is held in place with torsion strength as the archer pulls back. This specialized glove is therefore essential to correctly practicing kyudo.

The bow (yumi) and the arrows (ya) represent the largest investment, and can range between several hundred to several thousand dollars depending on the material. Specialized cases for both the yumi and the ya will also need to be purchased. Kyudo is a longbow form of archery, with the arrows drawn all the way back to the ear, rather than to the mouth as in western archery. As such, ample dry storage space is required to keep the equipment in good working condition. 

Small items for the maintenance of bows, strings, and arrows will also become necessary in the long run. 

Question 3: What are some of the similarities and differences between kendo and kyudo? – Dylan

Aside from the obvious difference in weapon (kendo uses a bamboo sword while kyudo uses a bow and arrow), the big difference between the two is how energy is expended. Kendo relies on a mixture of cardio and short-burst strength motions over short periods of time to score points between opponents. Kyudo, on the other hand, is a marathon-like activity that requires intense mental and physical concentration to perform slow, intricate actions that require strength, accuracy, and dexterity. A 15 minute round of shooting four arrows in kyudo can be just as exhausting as an hour-long bout of kendo.

The two are similar in that they both come from a tradition of self-improvement through physical discipline. An emphasis on the correctness of motions as much as the accuracy of strikes creates a deeper understanding of how the body works and for what purpose. They also both cultivate strength of character, as practitioners are encouraged to turn inward for self-improvement, rather than outward to external factors such as opponents. 

If you would like to participate in future editions of the Peak Sports Mailbag and be entered in a raffle for an end-of-semester prize, here’s what you can send to [email protected]: 

  • Sports-related questions that our weekly host will answer
  • Weekly theme ideas to guide our questions
  • Short (100–200 word) responses to our bi-weekly Reverse Mailbag (get paid $5) 

Or: sign up to host the Mailbag (and get paid)!

Thanks to all of you SFU sports fans for blowing up my inbox!

The next original Mailbag theme is: Wrestling

The host for the wrestling Mailbag is: Lauren Mason

Send in your questions to [email protected]. 

SFU Hockey extends winning streak to six games

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Clan goaltender Patrick Zubick made multiple key saves to secure the win. — Photo credit / SFU Hockey Twitter

By: Michael Lenko, Peak Associate

Patrick Zubick thwarted his former team, the Selkirk Saints, for the second time this season to lead the Clan to a narrow 2–1 victory at the Bill Copeland Sports Centre. The win was SFU Hockey’s sixth in a row, which has allowed the team to solidify its playoff positioning with just over a month left in the British Columbia Intercollegiate Hockey League (BCIHL) season. 

In the first period, it was the visiting Saints that got on the board first. Dylan Heppler redirected a shot in front of Zubick to put the visitors in front less than one minute after the opening puck drop. The Clan dominated the pace of play for the remainder of the period, and fired 14 shots on net to just six for the Saints. However, the Saints managed to hold their 1–0 lead heading into the first intermission. 

The second period was far more equal with both teams trading chances. On an early SFU powerplay opportunity, first-year defender Jake Keremidschieff  beat Selkirk goalie Talon Kramer but hit the post as the Clan struggled to find its offensive touch. Keremidschieff capitalized on another opportunity later in the frame by slipping a point shot through traffic that found the top corner to even the score. The Saints almost regained their lead on a late breakaway opportunity, but Zubick was up to the task and turned away one of the 14 shots he faced in the period as the game remained tied heading into the third. 

A wild final 20 minutes of the game consisted of some fast-paced running and gunning, with both teams putting up multiple grade A chances. The Saints looked primed to take the lead on a dangerous odd-man rush, but Zubick stood tall and denied the Saints to keep the game tied. This particular save was vital, as just four minutes later SFU forward Kyle Bergh buried a chance in front to put the Clan ahead 2–1. Though the Saints pushed hard for a late equalizer with netminder Kramer on the bench for the extra attacker, their efforts came up short and the Clan secured their sixth win in a row. 

Zubick was extremely impressive in the win, stopping 28 of the 29 shots he faced. Zubick now sits third in the BCIHL in both wins and save percentage, while holding the league’s best goals against average. After a week off, the Clan will look to extend their winning streak to seven games when the University of Victoria Vikes visits on February 7.

The Week Ahead in SFU Sports: February 3–9

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Sports
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The SFU Athletics logo. — Photo credit / SFU Athletics

By: Dylan Webb, Sports Editor

A busy Spring semester of SFU Sports action intensifies this week with both basketball and wrestling teams, the track team, and the hockey team active. For fans looking to take in some Clan athletics in person, the men’s basketball team will play twice in the West Gym while the hockey team will host two games at the Bill Copeland Sports Centre. 

Women’s Basketball:

A short two-game road trip has the SFU Women’s Basketball team travelling to Lacey and Seattle in Washington State this week. After taking on St. Martin’s University on February 6 at 5:15 p.m., the team will play against Seattle Pacific University at 2 p.m. on February 8. 

Men’s Basketball:

At home this week, the SFU Men’s Basketball team will take on the two University of Alaska teams that they visited two weeks ago. After hosting the Anchorage Seawolves on February 6, they will take on the team from the Fairbanks campus on February 8. Tip off for both games is 7 p.m.

Hockey:

The SFU Hockey team will host two home games this week. After the University of Victoria Vikes visit on February 7, they will take on the Selkirk Saints on February 8. Puck drop is 7 p.m. at the Bill Copeland Sports Centre for both games.

Track and Field:

A busy weekend for the SFU Track and Field team has Clan athletes competing at the Gary Reed Indoor Track Meet in Kamloops on February 7–8 and in Portland versus Portland #2 on February 8–9. 

Women’s Wrestling:

The SFU Women’s Wrestling team will travel to Lebanon, Illinois on February 8 to take on McKendree University. 

Men’s Wrestling: 

A trip to Coeur d’Alene, Idaho to take on North Idaho College on February 7 is on tap this week for the SFU Men’s Wrestling team. 

Board Shorts: January 22

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Image: Irene Lo

Written by: Michelle Gomez, Assistant News Editor

Motion passed to increase SFPIRG member fee

The Board passed a motion to include a referendum in the Spring 2020 elections about increasing the semesterly member fee for the Simon Fraser Public Interest Research Group (SFPIRG). The referendum proposes to increase the student fee from $3.00 to $5.50 per semester for students taking more than three credits, and from $1.50 to $2.75 per semester for students taking three credits or less. 

SFPIRG presented on the matter at last week’s Board meeting. The Board passed the motion without further discussion. 

Munchie Mondays and Tuesday Treats

The motion was passed to approve $1,800 for Munchie Mondays and Tuesday Treats. Jessica Nguyen, VP Student Life, explained that alternating between Mondays and Tuesdays would allow the SFSS to reach more students. 

The food distribution event will occur six times throughout the semester, totalling to $300 per event. Nguyen noted that their goal is to hit 300 students per event. Additionally, instead of tabling in front of the SFSS offices, Nguyen proposed that SFSS members use a cart that they can push around campus to distribute snacks.

“That way we can hit different students around campus and not just students that are around that area and know about it.” 

She explained that the Board members can use this as an opportunity to “talk to students, engage with them, as well as promote upcoming events.” 

President, Giovanni HoSang, brought forward the amendment to the motion to remove March 3 from the list of dates “due to the fact that it coincides with the first week of campaigning” for the next election.  

HoSang’s amendment was not carried. The original motion was carried. 

Young Women in Business Club’s International Women’s Day Gala

The SFSS has passed the motion to approve $1,500 towards the venue fees for the Young Women in Business (YWiB) Club’s International Women’s Day Gala. 

They collaborated on the same event last year, but did not provide money for the event’s venue fees. 

Education Representative Emerly Liu noted that this is separate from the money they will be provided for the trophies and prizes. 

Health Sciences Representative Osob Mohammed noted during the discussion that she did not have enough time to consider the motion, as the document had only been sent out after the Board meeting had started. 

Representatives Shina Kaur, Fiona Li, and Osob Mohammed abstained from voting. 

Build SFU General Manager to work remotely 

Executive Director Sylvia Ceacero announced that Marc Fontaine, Build SFU General Manager, has moved to Calgary. She explained that Fontaine is still working for the SFSS remotely, and will come to the office “once every six weeks or so.”

Ceacero noted that while Fontaine will continue working on the Student Union Building portfolio, “[she] will be doing a small restructuring of the office at the management level.”

Campus Vibe’s bankruptcy affects SFSS investments 

Ceacero explained that Campus Vibe “was selected out of three potential vendors in 2017 as a student engagement platform. 

“Since we got this announcement, which came late December 2019 while we were all on holidays, we’ve been looking at other potential platforms that we could use.” 

When asked how much Campus Vibe cost the SFSS, Ceacero noted that “so far we have invested about $37,000, and we could potentially get $7,000 back.” 

SFSS to offer $30,000 emergency bursary fund

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News
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Photo courtesy of SFU

By Gurpreet Kambo, News Editor

According to a post by current Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) President Giovanni HoSang on his Facebook page on Wednesday March 25, the SFSS will be distributing an emergency bursary to students who are affected by the COVID-19 pandemic.

As stated on the post, the Executive Committee of the SFSS, which consists of the president and vice-presidents, passed a motion mandating the Executive Director of the SFSS, Sylvia Ceacero, to distribute $30,000 of emergency funding “through the most effective means, to assist students dealing with emergencies.”

In response to a question on Facebook about where this money was coming from, HoSang responded that the SFSS is in a “healthy financial position,” and linked to the minutes from a Board of Directors meeting from January 8 that had a financial report from the Vice-President Finance. That report states that as of October 31, which is halfway through the fiscal year, the SFSS had a surplus of $164,000.

Further details will be forthcoming, and this post will be updated accordingly.

Ranking the Burnaby campus microwaves

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Features
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Photo taken by Vivien Ying Qi Li

By: Vivien Ying Qi Li, Peak Associate

Although SFU provides a variety of different food options for students to purchase on campus, sometimes I just want to bring meals from home. After all, it’s cheaper, more convenient, and nobody can make sweet and sour pork like my mom can. Luckily, SFU has microwaves available all over campus. This past week, I looked high and low to find all of the microwaves at SFU — hell, I even sniffed all of them for good measure — and compiled a list of the four most memorable microwaves on the Burnaby campus. 

#1: Maggie Benston Centre (MBC) food court

Photo taken by Vivien Ying Qi Li
Photo taken by Vivien Ying Qi Li
  • Convenience: 5/5
  • Cleanliness (inside): 4/5
  • Cleanliness (outside): 4/5
  • Smell: 5/5
  • Wait time: 4/5

Located at the MBC food court is a row of Panasonic microwaves ready for use. Don’t like one of them? Good news, there’s four more for you to choose from. Although this is arguably one of the more popular microwave spots, somehow, all five of these microwaves are kept in superb condition. With only minor food stains on the exterior, and a little wear-and-tear on the inside, these microwaves are by far the cleanest on this list. I even secretly took a whiff of these microwaves, and yep, they smell fine. Visit earlier in the day, though, as these microwaves get pretty packed during lunch hour. But because there’s five of them, the wait is never really that long. 

Tags: buy one get four free, easy to find hi, almost squeaky clean

 

#2: Women’s Centre – All Genders Resource Area: 

Photo taken by Vivien Ying Qi Li
Photo taken by Vivien Ying Qi Li
  • Convenience: 1/5
  • Cleanliness (inside): 4/5
  • Cleanliness (outside): 4.5/5
  • Smell: 2/5
  • Wait time: 5/5

This microwave took me eons to find. I had to ask my friend to help me find it because, for some reason, the Women’s Centre is hidden behind a door that’s hidden behind another door. My friend and I circled the campus awhile to find this place. Thankfully the microwave itself is pretty good: it’s clean, kind of cute, and oddly reminds me of home. The one thing I remember distinctly about this microwave was the fact that it had a really strong instant noodle and curry smell. An odd combo, but it wasn’t too bad. 

Tags: hidden, average Amy, smelly

 

#3: The Learning Hub at Education Central

Photo taken by Vivien Ying Qi Li
Photo taken by Vivien Ying Qi Li
  • Convenience: 4/5
  • Cleanliness (inside): 1/5
  • Cleanliness (outside): 4.5/5
  • Smell: N/A
  • Wait time: 3/5

If the word “catfish” had to be described using a microwave, the ones at The Learning Hub at Education Central would definitely fit the bill. I was super excited when I saw the nice, sleek exterior of these microwaves, so much so that I would actually give this microwave a bonus mark. But when I opened it . . . man, I really wish I hadn’t. It was like someone’s lunch had exploded in there; every wall was covered in spaghetti-sauce abstract art. I vaguely remember seeing some chicken in there, too, just greeting me from the glass plate. Because of the terrifying appearance of the inside of the microwave, I didn’t dare get close enough to smell it. From a beautiful two metres away, however, the microwave smelled fine. 

Tags: catfish, abstract art, the chicken says hi

 

#4: Technology & Science Complex 1 (TASC1) first floor

Photo taken by Vivien Ying Qi Li
Photo taken by Vivien Ying Qi Li
  • Convenience: 2/5
  • Cleanliness (inside): 2/5
  • Cleanliness (outside): 2.5/5
  • Smell: 1/5
  • Wait time: 5/5 because no one wants to come here

This microwave looks like it hasn’t seen the light of day since 2005 when TASC1 was built. Hidden near the Earth Sciences commons on the first floor in TASC1, one would not know that this microwave even existed unless they really stopped and stared super hard. I’m not even kidding when I say that I walked past this microwave a good three times before I finally saw it. The outside and inside of the microwave are stained like crazy. Even the table it’s situated on is dirty. That’s not even the best part, though. The best part is the fact that even from two metres away, I could smell the microwave’s musty/spoiled food/what-am-I-smelling smell. If you can, try to avoid this microwave at all costs. 

Tags: forgotten since 2005, gave me nightmares, has invisibility powers

Your weekly SFU horoscopes: Jan 27–Feb 2

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Humour
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An illustration of a girl with long flowing hair. Astrological signs and stars shine around her.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Aries — March 21–April 19

This week, you’re tempted to drop projects that have no fruitful end in sight — for example, your annoying friends. Resist the impulse. Your long-term investments will pay off; your bullying and condescension will upgrade your clueless cohort. 

Taurus — April 20–May 20

Everyone calls you a loyal friend. But you’re loyal to one thing and one thing only: your phobia of confrontation, particularly confronting your “loved” ones about how repulsive you find them. This week, it’s time to accept the truth: you are a pretentious snob elitist with bad breath and badder communication.

Gemini — May 21–June 20

They say there’s two sides to every story. So before you hate yourself forever for what you’ve done wrong, take a moment to check in with yourself about why you chose to steal that man’s drink off the Starbucks bar. Maybe it was a political statement in defiance of the Starbucks mobile order, a protest against the hyper-convenience used to manufacture consent to a neoliberal world. 

Cancer — June 21–July 22

Your job this week is to do nothing and look cute. Not whatever your angry manager is claiming your job is supposed to be. 

Leo — July 23–August 22

Descend down to the bustling Metro Vancouver masses this week and dispel the legends that surround you. Though you enjoy being at the centre of a mythology, it’s no good for people to be whispering that you marinate and eat any worshippers who approach.

Virgo — August 23–September 22

Glow with everflowing love this week. Love for humanity . . . love for your community . . . love for Pokémon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire Versions. They are the superior 3DS Pokémon gaming titles and they will heal your twisted, jaundiced heart.

Libra — September 23–October 22

It’s true that you’re a natural at everything you do. Like lying to your friends and family about your (lack of) feelings and waterboarding people. But this week in particular, you must be careful not to rest on your laurels. Someone in your circle is coming to dethrone you and you need to identify them, fast, and take them out before they prove to the world that they have even less empathy than you do.

Scorpio — October 23–November 21

Eat the SFSS for clear skin this week.

Sagittarius — November 22–December 21

There’s a sweet side to you, under all the toxic behaviour you pretend to regret in your daily life. That sweet side is something that you might not even know about or recognize within yourself: a gentle affection for euhaplorchis californiensis. Inject those cuties into your veins. 

Capricorn — December 22–January 19

You’ll be confronted by your destiny this week. And I don’t get paid enough to suss out what said destiny will be, honestly. You Capricorns are literally the most random, tempestuous, opportunity-snatching people I’ve ever met. Go send an SFU Mail and stop wasting my time. 

Aquarius — January 20–February 18

You can’t afford real crystals from Granville Island. So take this week to buy and line your bed with juice crystals from the nearest convenience store. Purify your energies and putrefy as ants come to devour your saccharine body while you sleep in yet again. 

Pisces — February 19–March 20

This is another fragile week for you. Just cry. A lot. And drink your own tears to satisfy your thirst.

SFU invites students to Feral Coyote Therapy

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Photo courtesy of skeeze via Pixabay

Written by Maxwell Gawlick, Peak Associate

After the great success of the school’s recent Dog Therapy sessions, SFU’s Health & Counselling Services is bringing the initiative back this winter — albeit with a cheaper alternative. By laying out a variety of appealing snacks in the middle of Convocation Mall, such as Dining Hall leftovers and organics bin waste, SFU has attracted a pack of wild coyotes.

According to an email from Health & Counselling Services, Feral Coyote Therapy (FCT) involves students befriending the coyote pack, recent migrants from the woods on Burnaby Mountain, while eating or roasting marshmallows. The pack then mauls the students, bleeding them out in much the same way the university bleeds out their wallets. 

Students will crawl out of the altercation feeling “refreshed” and sometimes “grateful to go back to class,” according to the email.

It’s unclear what inspired SFU to introduce FCT to campus, and students and staff alike are somewhat skeptical of the project. Faculty in particular are concerned about how little FCT appears in overpriced peer-reviewed literature. 

At least one student theorized to The Peak that SFU didn’t leave the appealing snacks and leftovers in Convocation Mall to facilitate FCT at all. Rather, certain administrators may have gotten sick and tired of sorting their trash for the sake of SFU’s globally recognized Zero Waste Initiative.

“You just have to warm up to them [the coyotes],” reads a second email from SFU in response to this allegation. “As long as you keep them fed, they’re quite docile.”

According to Health & Counselling, coyote therapy was slated to begin February 1. But there are some (medical) reports stating that it may have already begun. 

SFU Security seems to have been kept totally in the dark about the Health & Counselling initiative.

“A dramatic increase in the number of coyote sightings has been reported in the last week,” SFU Security Tweeted on Thursday morning. “Students should take caution and avoid dark side paths. If doglike yipping and barking is heard, students should seek shelter immediately.” 

Though classes are still in session, students are now stranded in the AQ and are warning others to stay home, as the rest of SFU Burnaby is basically comprised of dark side paths.

From brutalist to boo-talist: SFU turns Robert C. Brown Hall into a year-round haunted house

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Written by Meera Eragoda, Staff Writer

In a move to facilitate easy fundraising, SFU has decided to turn Robert C. Brown Hall (RCB) into a year-round haunted house. After much discussion on where to hold their new money-making attraction, SFU decided it would be most cost-effective to use RCB because “it’s basically already a haunted house,” according to one SFU spokesperson.

All those who dare to enter will face some of the following scares:

  • Zombified students who, in previous semesters, took a wrong turn and were lost to the caverns of SFU. (And there are many turns to RCB.)
  • Ghosts of graduates who have sold their souls in order to afford living in a city with increasing housing costs.
  • Kettlebells precariously hung from the ceilings, symbolizing the impending weight of tuition costs.
  • The darkness of existential doom lurking at every turn to make you question your worth.
  • The monotone voices of professors droning on and on and on and on, lulling you to sleep to be savaged by the other attractions, while you try and stay awake enough to make it out.

The decision has garnered much excitement around campus.

We asked a third-year student, Charlie Wolf, what they thought of the haunted house. They responded, “Honestly, this makes sense. My friend had a class in RCB last semester, and I haven’t seen him since. Maybe I’ll run into him today.”

SFU opened the RCB Haunted House attraction to the public for the first time on Tuesday, January 14, with more dates planned for February.  The Peak is not actually sure what SFU was fundraising for, and the school has declined to answer this question. We were, however, assured that their cause was “engaging” and “totally something good.”

For a special bonus scare, the January 14 opening included the chance of being stranded because of the snow, never getting off the mountain again, and turning into Jack Torrance from The Shining.

Leaked transcript: a hostage negotiation with a stupidly rich man

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Humour
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Written by Rodolfo Boskovic, SFU Student

DIAL TONE. 

A PHONE IS PICKED UP OFF THE RECEIVER.

???: Who is this!? Listen! I’m holding a lit match and five litres of gasoline and I’m not afraid to use’em!

FBI NEGOTIATOR: Sir, I understand you are stressed. This is a difficult situation. We just want you to understand that we’re here to help in whatever way we can. We just want the release of the hostages without any harm.

???: I don’t need your help! I’m a self-made man! I drank baby formula as a baby so my mother wouldn’t think I owed her anything!

FBI NEGOTIATOR: No offense was intended—

???: Offended!? I’m not some snowflake!

FBI NEGOTIATOR: Of course, but then why keep the hostages, sir?

???: I have a right, don’t I? I made them. I kept them down here safe in my bunker for years! Far from creeps like you! Who are you, or anybody, to tell me what I can and can’t do?

FBI NEGOTIATOR: Sir, please, think this through. Wouldn’t you want what’s best for them?

???: You people just want to take them away! All to some freaking charities or needy orphanages somewhere. I’m not having it! They’re gonna burn up with me!

FBI NEGOTIATOR: Think of your children, sir. They deserve better than this.

???: Children? What children? Those bums never worked a day in their lives! I’m not leaving a cent for them. They were always eyeing my Swiss bunker! Trying to get at my fortune!

FBI NEGOTIATOR: I’m sorry, sir. Who exactly do you have as a hostage, then?

???: My money, boy! I’m burning down my millions before you health-care lovers get to it. Taxes are a sin!

A PHONE IS PLACED BACK ON THE RECEIVER.

???: Hello? Are you listening? I won’t be ignored anymo—

A LIT MATCH IS DROPPED. 

???: Oh.

THE LINE GOES DEAD.

 

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024