By: Katie Walkley, Peak Associate
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Go lay in grandma’s lap, tough guy. You deserve it. If you don’t have a grandma, any scruffy-looking dog will do. It’s gotta be scruffy, though.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Stars are aligning in a way that hasn’t happened in 2 million years. With this new luck on your side, try a backflip . . . you may end up in the hospital, but . . . wait a second . . . is that a vision of Pedro Pascal doing your X-rays?
Gemini (May 21–June 21)
Your sign makes you a strong, powerful person. However, this week, you have to ignore all that. Hone in on all your twisted subconscious thoughts and make a salad.
Cancer (June 22–July 22)
Don’t leave the house. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it doesn’t look good for you. Sorry, babes.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
The cancers in your life may be avoiding you by staying inside their homes. What a bunch of weirdos, right? Take this as an opportunity to confess your undying love for them that will last whether they are perpetually inside OR outside.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
As you take on new projects this week, you must learn that you cannot control everything. Start teaching jazz. And if you don’t know how to play the trumpet, just blow, baby.
Libra (September 23–October 23)
You are the master of looking at all sides, but your disarrayed spirit is unbalancing the stock market. Get your money out of the stock now and open a penny arcade.
Scorpio (October 24–November 21)
This week, if your bangs naturally drift to the side, don’t straighten them out. The shortening days are awakening your emo vampire powers and only your flawless side bangs can make the time we must wait for the sun more bearable.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
When’s the last time you thought of your feet? Got you! It’s time to show your feet some TLC, girlypop.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
A moment’s rest is on its way to you. When you feel it, shake that powerful finger of yours and bellow from the bottom of your gut, “Not yet!”
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Get out the red thread. It’s time to look into the conspiracies you’ve been avoiding investigating. First order of business: don’t trust the moon; it might just be a round cloud.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
This Monday, you may be feeling a calling to put things off until the end of the week . . . wait ‘till Friday to see if that’s a good idea.
