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It’s OK to not be as productive as usual while in quarantine

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Opinions
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If all you did today was eat chips and play Switch, you’re doing just fine. Illustration: Sabrina Kedzior / The Peak

By: Marco Ovies, Editor-in-Chief

I went on Instagram the other day and instantly felt like absolute trash for doing nothing the entire day. One of my friends had started her own life-advice blog that has just begun to blow up, while another was creating a macramé bag. I didn’t even know what macramé was before she had mentioned it. Meanwhile, I spent the morning laying in bed with a few too many potato chip crumbs on my shirt scrolling through TikTok. 

So right around the time I was ready to click “checkout” on the $100 of art supplies I was about to buy, I took a moment to stop and think. Who said that the rules of quarantine meant I needed to do something “productive” with my life? More importantly, what did being productive with my time even mean? 

Society is constantly telling us that we need to use whatever free time we have to achieve something. It stems from this idea I like to call “struggle culture,” where we have ingrained in ourselves that to be successful means we have to struggle. Basically, the principle is that if you work really hard now, you’ll be able to relax when you’ve “made it” later. 

The catch is that society has conditioned us to feel guilty the second we stop striving for more. We will never be truly satisfied, and it ends up as a never ending cycle of working until the day we die (depressing, I know).

One of the major features propelling this feeling is that we’re constantly inundated with celebrity “success” stories. These people who have ostensibly “made it” quite often have not worked a day in their lives, or are making money off of the backs of others. But because of how influential these people are we have started to think that if we want to be like Jeff Bezos  we need to spend every waking second doing something to improve ourselves. 

To be entirely honest, you’re doing fine if you’re taking time for yourself instead of studying to become a neurosurgeon during quarantine. Personally, I’ve taken this time to reorganize my living space, repot some plants, and allow myself a much needed break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Now more than ever I think we all need to take a break for a moment and focus on what’s really important. The added pressure of trying to be productive with your free time is not helping anyone. This is your time and you shouldn’t let society decide what you need to be doing with it. 

 

Grade 12 students petition for grad ceremony with classmates they hate

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Humour
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Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

PORT COQUITLAM, BC — Just like all the other Grade 12 students in British Columbia, Courtney Pierce has been counting the days until her one last chance to party with 400 people she blatantly despises. Now, her cancelled grad has left her heartbroken. Across the country, Pierce is one of many students who’ve lost their end-of-year festivities because close contact with their fellow grads could scar them physically instead of just mentally.

Together with her classmates from Port Island Secondary School (PISS), Pierce has launched a petition for their school district to hold an in-person ceremony, so they can say a final goodbye before deleting each other from their Facebook friends lists forever.

“I’ve been waiting for this day for so long,” Pierce told The Peak.

The PISS petition on change.org has garnered 2,000 signatures and counting.

“We understand that COVID-19 means we cannot hold a ceremony in June,” reads the petition. “However, instead of a virtual experience, we should be exploring other options.” The petition suggests a staggered ceremony over several days, or a drive-through ceremony “where we can at least fantasize about running each other over.” 

Currently, Port Island intends to livestream a series of grad speeches from students and administration alike. However, PISS student Hunter Cheever has cancelled his valedictorian speech because he doesn’t “believe in cyberbullying,” according to the school.

PISS is one of several local high schools which traditionally holds its graduation photo-ops at SFU’s reflecting pool, where students can gaze into the depths and get a taste of what it’s like to be a college student. Unfortunately, this too has been cancelled.

SEE MORE: “Students gather at AQ reflection pond to reflect on their own worthlessness”

Several PISS students have also taken to social media to complain about the cancellation of their grad dinner and dance.

“How are we supposed to argue over who’s getting kicked out of which limo if we don’t even have limos anymore,” one student wrote in an Instagram caption. 

“I just wanted one more night to eat chicken strips in the corner and not talk to anyone before I spend the rest of my life eating chicken strips in the corner and not talking to anyone,” Tweeted another.

Top 5 Ongoing Neighbourhood Dramas To Binge-Watch Through Your Bedroom Window This Month

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Humour
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Written by Madeleine Chan, Staff Writer

Are you stuck at home? Have you sucked your favourite streaming service as dry as you’ve been sucked of motivation? Fear not, for we’ve curated for you the perfect list of lounge-worthy dramas to watch from the comfort of your own window. No matter where you live, these shows are the best of the best in window-watching entertainment — perfect for the suburban scandal in all of us.

Patricia and Her Performative Pot-banging 

This drama explores the psyche of middle-aged mom Patricia, who “loves” essential workers. Armed with a metal pot and spoon, she emerges every evening at 7 p.m. to slam them against each other and holler like a rabid soccer fan. The best part? Nothing says dramatic irony like knowing that she’ll eventually go back to degrading the very service workers she’s supposedly supporting. If you miss her daily screams, you can catch up on Facebook, where she’ll be shaming her friends into joining her. 

Wine Moms: Six Feet Apart

Catch this classic group on a sunny weekend afternoon after they’ve sedated their kids with money for iPad microtransactions. They pull up with their bottles of rosé and folding chairs to arrange themselves in a socially distanced circle (well, almost socially distanced, they’re usually a little too tipsy to gauge six feet correctly) on someone’s obnoxiously kept lawn. A great way to keep up on all the neighbourhood gossip and finally feel like you’re part of something greater than yourself.

The Height of Suburbia

An annual spring special, The Height follows the conflicts between neighbours as they start gardening again to prove their civic worth. This season, Bob planted his coriander too close to Bert’s cumin and now they’re trying to fight as harshly as they can for their “rightful” land while also maintaining a safe distance. HGTV wishes they had this level of spice.

Who Needs an Alarm Clock?

Picture this: Brady Bunch meets reality T.V. meets a jackhammer. Listen in to the lives of your neighbours as they yell at each other in the confines of their own home, thinking that their shouting can’t be heard down the block. SPOILER ALERT: there’s no season finale. It’s just rerun after rerun, the whole cast wailing about the same old things like a World War II air raid siren! Fun, family-friendly, and perfect for those early-morning or middle-of-the-night go-getters.

Postal Yearning

A mailbox-view exclusive, this show follows two star-crossed teens as they meet daily at the communal mailbox to exchange hushed words of affection through their disposable face masks. Maybe the distance is just a few feet, but to their horny, touch-starved young souls, it seems like kilometres. Great for people who like to vicariously live through the experiences of strangers.

CONFESSIONALS: I matched with the SFU Avocado

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Humour
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Illustration of a closed envelope, with the text, “Confessionals”
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang /The Peak

Written by AvocadoLover69, SFU Student

Disclaimer: The events and people in this story are (well, mostly) real. Names and places have been changed in order to protect these individuals’ identities. 

It was just another night of aimlessly scrolling through Tinder when I found them. The second I saw their profile, I was hooked. Holy Guacamole, they were hot, I mean, you should have seen those curves. Well . . . I guess it’s just one curve that goes all the way around.

I couldn’t help myself. Before I knew it, I had swiped right and matched with the SFU Avocado.

I’d seen them on campus a couple of times. Never thought much of them. But seeing them on this dating app with these sexy pictures really made me reconsider. It was like when the nerdy girl takes her glasses off in the movies and is all-of-a-sudden hot.

Right when I was trying to figure out what to say first, they messaged me. “UWU HEY BBY WANNA GET FREAKY IN THE AQ tonight.” 

It felt like they were speaking to my soul. I’d never had such a strong connection with someone so quickly — until now. Everyone on Tinder is just looking for hook-ups, but the avocado was different. I knew exactly how to respond. 

“OH GUAC YEAH *moaning emojis go here* MASH ME UP REAL GOOD.”

I don’t know if it’s too soon to say . . . but I can already picture our wedding. Crazy how you can know someone for such a short amount of time and already know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. I’m thinking we could hold it on the beach, or maybe in a field somewhere, but honestly, I don’t care where we do it. What matters is that they are all I avo wanted.

Tonight we will be meeting in person for the first time. My friends told me not to go, saying “dude how are you going to fuck a statue.” But what they don’t understand is that I’m not just going to fuck this statue; I’m going to commit to this statue, the way my last girlfriend never cado, yeah that’s right Lauren fuck you.

Some people spend their whole lives looking for love. Me? Well, I found the avocado statue on Tinder. So kinkshame me all you want, but I’m about to go and make some thick-ass guacamole.

Companies shouldn’t be exploiting tragedies to generate profits

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Opinions
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No, we don’t want a coffee logo to be the face of a national tragedy. Illustration: Tiffany Chan / The Peak

By: Madeleine Chan, Staff Writer

“In these unprecedented times,” “We’re all in this together,” “Now more than ever,” and “Our hearts go out to those affected,” are all phrases I’ve seen recently in advertisements that make me want to scream. As a keen critic of commercialism, I’m used to seeing companies use current events to their advantage. However, the way that corporations are using current tragedies for their financial gain is honestly quite disgusting. 

I’m talking about companies like Tim Hortons that capitalize on the Nova Scotia shooting through their “Nova Scotia strong” donut fundraiser, and Tylenol that brands itself as the “founding sponsor” of the COVID-19 fund for nurses. It’s kind of scary how fast these companies turned their marketing around to reflect the current situation, and also how eerily similar all of the accompanying ads appear. They all contain that element of a soft, worried, or slightly patronizing voice to convey just how much they care about you. The real irony is in the fact that if they truly cared they would use the thousands, if not millions, of dollars they are spending on these ad campaigns and put them towards actually alleviating the effects of the tragedy. 

Yes, thank you A&W actor, for telling me that you care about me, your workers, and all other service employees in an iPhone video. The people suffering the most from this pandemic are truly blessed to know that you are still open for delivery. And Amazon, your insanely overworked staff are so thankful that you took the time, effort, and money to thank them through a simple video ad instead of paying them a fair wage for their work. 

There shouldn’t need to be a whole multimedia campaign to say “Hey, look at us, we’ve done a good thing.” Corporations can still help without trying to reap as much positive PR (and thereby sales) as they can from tragedies. New Balance is doing just this by using their factories to make masks, but not outwardly bragging to their customers about it. I realize that advertising is a significant means of financial survival for many companies, but that doesn’t mean that they have to resort to designing an ad campaign around people’s suffering to continue their operations. 

Frustratingly, this isn’t a new phenomenon. It reminds me of every June when companies take advantage of pride month by branding themselves as the “ultimate queer allies,” without really doing much to help said community. The very act of putting out these ads, selling sprinkled donuts, or becoming the branded face of relief shows companies’ true, two-faced nature. Their priority is making you care about them through expensive marketing campaigns, rather than actually helping those in crisis. 

Make no mistake, although they are branding themselves as charitable actors, the messages you are seeing from these companies are still part of an intricate ad campaign. These businesses are still trying to make money. I invite you to take a closer look at the brands around you and how they are using their “unprecedented time” to profit off of tragedy.

 

Hey, Rapunzel here — I think my quarantine haircut just killed a man

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Humour
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ILLUSTRATION: Reslus / The Peak

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

To misquote Veronica Sawyer of Heathers fame, my quarantine hair-angst bullshit has a body count.

I mean, I wouldn’t say I feel crazy guilty. Obviously I didn’t want any of my suitors to die. Like, that wasn’t the goal, as such. But can you blame me? Everyone’s always all, ‘Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair!’ Excuse me . . .  I’m the one who’s been let down. My boyfriends are all goddamn himbos.

I try to give these boys the benefit of the doubt, I do. But it’s hard to feel respected when he tries to use your hair as jump-rope to get his cardio in, now that the gyms are closed. Once I had dinner with a guy who asked which muscle group I was named after.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Like any good fairy tale, let’s start at the beginning. Once upon a time, amid a global pandemic, Rapunzel discovered the haircut.

I knew what a haircut was, but I didn’t know the power it apparently had, not until I finally saved up enough for an iPhone. Just look on Twitter. “Closure isn’t real just cut your hair and pretend it didn’t happen,” Tweets tony cock. What do you mean, I can just chop it all off and rewrite my personal history? I guess I’ve missed a lot off the grid. 

The real inspiration came when I read about COVID-19. (Thank goodness Mom prepared me for this one.) I saw and read about all these people who cut their hair to escape their boredom, to try something new, to make up for being unable to outsource their labour to a hairdresser for once. It was inspiring. It was maddening. 

When those harrowed, underpaid Rogers techs set up my new unlimited data plan, they opened my eyes. Here were all these plague-ridden freaks online, panicking and scalping themselves under the guise of “experimenting,” and what was I doing? Hacking up hairballs every morning, that’s what.

Well, no more, I thought. I was the ORIGINAL quarantine girl. If anyone was going to enjoy release from the fettering ravages of their own identity, it was going to be me. 

I remember leaning my head back through the window. I wanted the symbolism of letting that sucker fall through 70 feet of air. I stayed like that for a while, feeling the wind. My hair almost seemed to be getting heavier the more I waited. Perhaps it was time to just get it over with. I raised the Wahl clippers and sliced.

Shaving my head felt like so much weight dropping from my shoulders. All my fears, my anxieties . . . it wasn’t until I heard the desperate screams that I realized who that last 180 pounds belonged to.

Poor Flynn, but honestly, he should have listened when I told him that visiting his girlfriend mid-pandemic still counted as a distancing violation.

My summer chop didn’t last too long, sadly. My hair lengthens after being cut short almost as suddenly as Vladimir Putin’s term in office does. There are benefits to being the adoptive daughter of a jealous and homicidal witch, I guess. I might actually like her, if she wasn’t also the worst landlord in history. 

Well, I guess I’ll be taking this chance to try a few different cuts. I’ve run through bangs or no bangs, different layers, side shaves. A few more men have plummeted to their deaths for sure, but luckily I have yet to take down the DoorDash deliverer. And if Gothel wants my rent this month, I guess she can try and climb her own way up for once.

Peak Speaks Podcast – What Grinds our Gears

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Multimedia
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Listen here: https://pod.link/1464226637

Ese Atawo and Courtenay Mayes explore vulnerability through humour

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Arts
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Art and Humour performers Ese Atawo (above) and Courtenay Mayes (below). Image courtesy of the Vancouver Art Gallery

Despite isolation having been a thing for over a month now, the Art and Humour talk of Vancouver Art Gallery’s (VAG) weekly Art Connects series is the first virtual event I attended. If I could choose just one word to describe it, it would be raunchy. The event turned out to be less of a talk and more of a performance piece. I think the most often repeated phrase was “big vag, lil clitty” which should tell you all you need to know about the show.

The speakers were Ese Atawo and Courtenay Mayes performing as their respective alter egos, Lil Clitty and Thot Sauce. Atawo is a Nigerian-Canadian comedian and actor who is part of Vancouver’s Blind Tiger Comedy and improv troupes Your Moms and Nasty Women. Mayes is an artist who chairs the Board for Arts Assembly (Vancouver/Toronto) and is the founder of a clothing and textiles studio. 

The event took place on Zoom and was 50 minutes long, including the Q&A period. When I entered the room, the organizers had the chat function enabled but video and audio turned off for attendees so watching was similar to watching an Instagram live. The difference came from knowing I was watching a more intimate show and not knowing how many other people were watching.

The show itself was thrilling. Atawo’s persona, Lil Clitty, was a 47-year-old aspiring rapper and former accountant who was being interviewed by Mayes’ Thot Sauce. Lil Clitty was performing from her therapist’s office and serving bumblebee eleganza with a yellow, white, and black fur coat and knee-high boots. In the background were two shirtless men (Atawo’s roommates) whose faces we didn’t see but who complemented her performance. Thot Sauce had on white claw nails, pink cateye sunglasses, and was surrounded by “friends” in the form of mannequins.

Lil Clitty performed songs such as “My Ass” and “CUM” while Thot Sauce joined in on the twerking. The shirtless dudes lifted weights or flipped through books (depending on the lyrics). Additionally, Lil Clitty gave Mayes’ second persona, Lucky Guy, a lapdance that’s apparently so legendary “people die of dehydration.” During the interview, Lil Clitty, who was trying to project a confident, sexy image, ends up breaking down about her unhappiness and mental health to Thot Sauce’s visible grimacing. Thot Sauce, though uncomfortable, offered up her own vulnerability and support with responses such as “being a 33-year-old sugar baby pretending to be a 22-year-old virgin all the time is exhausting,” and “the Junos are probably going to come back and I will probably vote for you . . . maybe!”

While it was comedic and I was definitely laughing out loud, Atawo and Mayes’ performance touched on how vulnerability and real emotion are often frowned upon and tend to make other people uncomfortable. Their performance also addressed age and desirability politics. During the Q&A, Atawo explained that the inspiration for Lil Clitty came through her love of hip-hop music and female artists. She does, however, have frustrations with portrayals that are “one note” when in reality female artists are more than that and can be “honest, real, and broken.” Despite the show’s raunch, its messaging was quite raw and vulnerable.

Atawo also spoke about creating this piece and performing it on Zoom. With such a high energy piece, she would usually get hyped up by the audience, but while she knew we were there, she couldn’t see us, making for a very surreal experience. Being able to perform with Mayes and bounce off her energy was ultimately what helped ground Atawo. I was thinking this was a strange experience for me as an audience member, but it opened my eyes up to how much stranger it must be for the actual performers. 

This experience was one I was happy to have and I highly recommend watching the recording on VAG’s Vimeo page. Additionally, VAG will be putting on more free events as part of the Art Connects series — though maybe none quite so funny. All the events can be found on their website.

Meanwhile, I’ll leave you with another of my favourite Thot Sauce lines from the show: “If I don’t go to Sephora everyday, do I even exist?”

How To Make Sure Your Virtual Classmates Still Know How Pretty You Are

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Humour
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Courtesy of Brooke Cagle via Unsplash

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Amidst the virtual academia of COVID-19, beauty is a beast of burden. Nothing’s worse than knowing your classmates will never get to experience your glow in person and die of crippling inferiority complexes! Desperate to cling to widespread acknowledgement of how pretty you are, since you secretly lack the self-esteem to define more specific pluses about yourself? Worry not, as long as you remember these five critical tactics.

Being yourself. Or being the idealized self a classmate fantasizes about becoming — it’s the same thing anyway. Be just attentive enough in class to take notes on the things that really matter, namely your classmates’ insecurities. Matt’s still planning on “transferring to Beedie next semester” after four years of schooling? Spend the next class jangling keys off of what he’ll know is an overpriced lanyard. Rinse and repeat. 

Speaking into the mic from far away, as if you’re standing forlornly at your windowsill. Remember: nothing could be more Victorian sex appeal than waiting by the glass, unshed tears frosting your eyes as you gaze out upon the lush landscape beyond your driveway, all alone. The bad sound quality will transmit your adorable anguish to your classmates for sure! 

Sudden reassurances that it’s been months since your latest spouse was assassinated. Really, who could be a better role model for prettiness than the historic First Ladies of America? Emulate them and you’ll really be killing it. Just like Jackie O’s man was killed in 1963.

Whispers of Shakespearean poetry mixed with watery gurgling noises. Just like you, fiction isn’t real. And there are just two fictional style icons worth taking notes from in this world: Hamlet’s Ophelia and The Call of Cthulhu’s Cthulhu! Your Zoommates’ll totally be silently bewitched, like siren’s prey, as you sprinkle the session with sweet nothings like “yaw nevar aitnemed ssen’krad ynobe,” all while seeming to fade into the waters of darkness. 

Casual hints that you’ve revived from death countless times throughout human history. Honestly, the most beautifully tragic figures of all are those who linger on the boundary between life, death, and gifted-child burnout blues, never able to move on. Once you mention on the call that you feel kind of anemic and chained to this world or whatever, your new friends will finally understand you — whether that comes before or after you suck out all their life energy is their choice.

Three artsy stores to browse online

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Arts
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Illustration: Alex Vanderput / The Peak

By: Lubaba Mahmud, Peak Associate

Editor’s note: This piece was written prior to all of the COVID-19 related changes but the stores below are still open for online orders and curbside pickup. We’ve done our best to update the piece but please double-check all details with the individual stores when you virtually visit them.

  1. Urban Source

Urban Source is a charming little store located at 3126 Main Street in Vancouver. 

They’re currently open from 11:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. on weekdays and Saturdays to fulfill your online and curbside pickup orders.

The store sells alternative art materials such as ceramic tiles, fabric pieces, gift bags, wooden shapes, wallpaper, gift boxes, and an assortment of paper-crafting goodies. I was especially intrigued by their assortment of vintage photos, postcards, and mailing envelopes. They also have a nice little collection of scrapbooking supplies like stamps, washi-tape, pens, and paint. 

This wonderfully sustainable store collects over-stocked materials from over a hundred different local industries. You will have no problem finding very reasonably priced items for creative projects here. For example, I found some beautiful floral stamps, a set of paper doilies, and a small cotton drawstring bag that will be perfect for gifting jewelry. 

Prior to the move to online, they had a fun bulk-bag policy where you could fill a paper bag with items like stickers, plexi letters, fabric pieces, mesh, and photos — hopefully something they’ll resume once the physical store reopens. Bag prices ranged from about $8 to $22 plus tax. I saw a lot of children eagerly browsing through the barrels to find unique trinkets. The staff were very friendly and I was really happy to watch them encourage the kids in the shop to make art.

Urban Source is more than your average art store and browsing in-person was honestly a wholesome experience and a nice way to say hello to the inner child in you! It’s definitely a store worth supporting now so that we can look forward to having these wholesome experiences once again in the future.

2. Opus Art Supplies

Opus has eight stores around British Columbia, and their Harbour Centre location is great for SFU students especially. Unfortunately, this location is currently closed, but their other branches are open for online and curbside pickup orders.

They sell a good variety of paints, including watercolours, gouache, acrylic, oils, and dry pigments. You can also shop for ready-made or custom frames. Overall, they seem to be more catered towards painting supplies than novelty hobbies like paper-crafting. Opus stocks high-quality materials, so expect the merchandise to be a little on the pricier side.

Their website has a Community page where you can connect with the local art community — especially nice for the current circumstance. Here you can find places that are looking for art submissions, studio listings, and artsy workshops open to all.

Once the Harbour Centre location reopens, you can pop in to soothe your soul after classes if you get excited over art supplies like me. The welcoming staff will be glad to have you over. They’re very knowledgeable about the merchandise so I found them to be pretty helpful. 

3. Michaels

Michaels is one of the biggest retailers of art supplies and it’s widely known for its huge collection. There are many Michaels stores in British Columbia, including in Burnaby, North Vancouver, Port Coquitlam, Surrey, Richmond etc. All locations are still open for in-person shopping, with reduced hours from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. weekdays, Saturdays, and Sundays. They’re also offering online and curbside pickup options.

Their categories include: scrapbooking materials, beads & jewelry, baking supplies, frames, knitting & crochet, home decor, and teaching supplies to name a few. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed with choices here — I know I surely did when I began bullet-journaling this year and went to Michaels to shop for supplies.

If you’re just beginning to delve into art and don’t want to splurge on expensive supplies, I’d suggest looking into the Artist’s Loft brand that they stock. I got $5 gouache paints with a coupon, and it’s not half bad for a beginner.

Let’s face it, hobbies can be expensive, especially when we’re all on student budgets. I’d highly recommend using the coupon codes that they list on their website, which, in my experience, ranges from 30% to 50% off on regular-priced items.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024