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Album review: Vows — Kimbra

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By Kristina Charania

Bold vocals and fearless genre exploration load up Vows with punchy, ambitious charm

Kimbra Johnson is a rare jack-of-all-genres, and nearly their master, too. Her debut album Vows exudes brassy confidence, and as a showcase of her musical flexibility it has earned its place in the spotlight. Sampling multiple sounds ranging from ‘90s R&B to retro and jazz, Vows is an experiment gone right, where every genre of the last 40 years is packed into a multi-coloured pixie stick and devoured in one go.

Unheard of in North America until recently, Kimbra has already become a household name in New Zealand and Australia, where Vows has gone platinum since its initial release in 2011. The 22-year-old attained overseas stardom after she was featured in Gotye’s hit, “Somebody That I Used to Know”.

Along with Foster the People’s lead singer Marc Foster and Montreal-born DJ A-Trak, Kimbra lends her vocal prowess to the recent single “Warrior”. The music video — posted on the Converse Youtube channel and added to the album’s U.S. release  —  features the trio sporting the famous shoe in a to-the-death wrestling match.

“Settle Down” is one of Vows’ sassiest and most powerful tracks. Kimbra shows a full range of jazzy vocals in a dance-and-shout breakout as she sings about her cookie-cutter plans to become a prim and proper ‘50s housewife. Her dominant decision-making (“We’ll call her Nebraska, Nebraska Jones / she’ll have your nose, just so you know”) and insistence on possessing Mr. Right is disturbing and unnerving. If you require a dominatrix crash course, this is the song for you.

Another highlight is the bonus track “Call Me”, a sexy Broadway-sized jazz-gospel hybrid that will have you dancing and yowling into your umbrella-turned-microphone (rather embarrassingly) down drab elevators and scuzzy alleyways.

The mellow track on Vows is “The Build Up”, which features tinkling, breathy Bjork-esque vocals. The song is beautiful in its frailty, imagery, and stream of consciousness. This is one of the few moments Kimbra retracts her claws to reveal a soft heart that’s otherwise disguised by the album’s boldness.

A mishmash of genres boosts the mass appeal of Vows, and the new lineup of tracks on the U.S. version makes it more cohesive than its original release in New Zealand and Australia, which had a couple of forgettable, aimless tracks that dulled the recording. Vows, revisited, is a fresh, tasteful, and intelligent production that not only keeps you on your toes but promises, with the right tweaking, a stellar sophomore album.

Ask Mystic Gary: Relationship Woes

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Dear Mystic Gary,

My boyfriend and I have been in a steady, committed relationship for just over three years now. We even moved in together last October, and now share an apartment. But even though we now live together, it feels like we hardly see each other with our busy schedules, and now I’m afraid we’re drifting apart. Please help.

— Lost in Lougheed

 

Dear Lost,

While your plight pains me so like crane that has swallowed fish bone, I must interject, don’t you people ever write in just to say hello? By taking the mystic’s oath I am sworn to help all who seek my sage counsel. But you could still come by for mahjong, or tea, or something not so stereotypical.

Anyways as for your problem, matters of love are as as fickle as political dissident who will not reveal meeting location of compatriots. But I have seen enough of your western romantic comedies starring Matthew McConaughey to understand that most of these situations can be remedied by a grand gesture of love.

But these grand gestures can often be time-consuming and economically unsound. So rather than single gesture to show your partner how much he or she means to you, instead try several hundred inadequate, hastily assembled measures.

Rather than whisking her off her feet with a romantic getaway in the city, or surprising him with tickets to the playoffs “just because,” why not try lobbing several handfuls of those chalky candy hearts at them everyday for a month.

If you doubt me, just take a stroll through you rlocal Hallmark store and see how many items you find with “Made in China,” compared to, say, “Made in anywhere else.” Cheap economic love manufactured under cruel conditions is most superior every time!

 

May your relationship have the strength of 10,000 li

 

—Mystic Gary

 

By Gary Lim

SFU installs new silent fire alarms

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By Brad McLeod

BURNABY— In what will certainly be described as alarming (No. —Ed) news, Simon Fraser University made history this week with the installation of a bold new technological development, the world’s first totally silent fire alarms.

The new alarms will look and function just as the old ones did, with the only difference being that they will now be completely imperceptible to the human ear.

The initiative has reportedly come as a direct result of student pressure, with many students describing the occasional ringing of alarms in the AQ as “kind of annoying.” Some students have even admitted to having to stop and look around for up to 10 seconds before resuming their normal activity.

This mild inconvenience was too much for the University to sit idly by, and after pouring through the countless disgruntled Facebook and Twitter posts they secretly monitor, they decided to take action.

“We pride ourselves on the quality of our professors too much to let them be interrupted by some warning of nearby fire,” said a representative for the school. “I’m sure most of our students would agree that they would rather die in a fiery blaze than miss a minute of one of their top-notch lectures.”

With a student poll notwithstanding, these remarks are assumed to be totally accurate, but they still only highlight a few of the benefits the new fire alarms will provide. Despite removing the only safety aspect of the device, the new alarms have actually been described as safer by the company who developed it.

“Recent studies have suggested that ordinary fire alarms can cause many ear related injuries including temporary loss of hearing and a ringing sensation. In fact, in most cases, more ear trauma is caused by fire alarms than fire itself,” commented John Stevens, the inventor of the Silent Fire Alarm.

Although the new alarms have had a mostly positive reception, there are still those who are unpleased with the change.

“I just don’t get how we’re going to know if there’s a fire. Has everyone forgotten what fire alarms even mean?” commented the one student who actually evacuates in the event of a fire alarm.

According to the University this will not be a problem. Instead of listening for alarms, students are now being asked to follow @FireSFU on Twitter for instant updates on whether or not the school is burning at any given time.

“Everyone seemed so bored with the old bell ringing,” said the SFU representative. “Now the alarms send out dispatches to social media outlets and make fire safety fun again.”

Despite not having many followers yet, the account has generated considerable interest from students who eagerly await their chance to follow and ignore its warnings.

SFU has maintained that although no more audible fire alarms will take place, that does not necessarily mean the end to all alarms. The school’s “terrorism alert” alarms, which sound identical to that of the old fire alarms, will remain active.

If students hear these alarms, that is an indication that the school is in serious danger. Everyone is advised to clear the building immediately or their lives will be in jeopardy, and it won’t be just some bullshit fire.

Pizza Hands: June 4th

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By April Alayon and Gary Lim

Petter Watch: June 4th

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Petter spotted in parking garage trying to teach himself how to ride a bike.

Measures should be taken to ensure more SFSS board members can attend meetings

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By Benedict Reiners

Last week, SFSS at-large representative Karanvir Thiara sought standing regrets to be approved by the board for his upcoming absences from meetings. What’s more, he’s the third board member to do so, following health sciences representative Tracy Luong and university relations officer (URO) Jeff McCann, both of whom issued said regrets as a result of scheduling conflicts with their summer co-op terms. Each member will still be able to attend to their other duties and are expected to return to meetings in the fall semester. For some, this has proven little consolation, since students not only elected these officials, but also pay their salaries as part of their SFSS fees.

SFSS Treasurer Kevin Zhang is one such student. When McCann requested his standing regrets, Zhang cited that McCann’s role as part of the executive gives his attendance at meetings extra importance. Given that three elected members cannot attend meetings, it might be time for the SFSS to introduce measures to bind members to attend.

However, this brings forward a dilemma for the SFSS: someone who was even thinking of taking a co-op course during one of the semesters over which they would serve likely would not run. This would decrease the potential field of applicants, a field already small enough that it saw some members elected without contention. That may end up scaring off those actually most suited for any of the positions up for election.

The SFSS board members are here to learn, just like all other students here at SFU, and we cannot expect them to delay getting their degrees or to pass up important opportunities for their job. That’s why the SFSS should introduce measures to ensure that SFSS board members are able to attend to their full roll in at least two out of three semesters. This way, it is less likely to scare off the best person for the job, or to produce an official with no time for their position. It would also serve as something of a symbol, showing students the members’ commitment to serving the student community.

Additional measures might be needed to ensure that the program was not abused if implemented, and as such, it would be a good idea to add a clause that the member be able to prove sufficient reasoning for their absence, and perhaps also that such a rule only apply to the summer semester, before which students running for board positions might not know whether or not they have a position. Furthermore, this would ensure that, although members may be away for the board’s formative period, they would still be able to get their job done as well as possible, and continue to positively represent students.

Ideally, students would be able to make their availability  known during the election for at least the summer semester, but as it stands that’s not typically feasible. However, anyone running for office should honour the commitment made in doing so. Although it’s important to make sure that the SFSS is comprised of the best members possible, those running for office must remember that if they really want students to take the SFSS seriously as an organization, the first step is figuring out how to get everyone to show up.

Word on the Street: June 4th

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News Beat: June 4th

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People who say “YOLO” will soon be put to death

A new bylaw proposed by conservative MP Shelly Parsons was passed in Parliament last Thursday. The bylaw evokes a three-strikes policy in which people caught using the term “YOLO” in either online parlance or in real life would be viciously bludgeoned to death by everyone in the immediate vicinity.

The law has a special clause indicating specifically that the acronym “YOLO” would result in capital punishment. Using the long form “You only live once” would garner a less severe punishment of chemical castration.

The bylaw is being applauded by both the liberal opposition and fringe parties alike, all of whom are sick of idiots appending #YOLO to anything and everything that happens to them over the course a day.

The bill’s creator added, “Yes, we get the irony.”

– David Davenport

 

New homeopathic street drug claims another life

The dangerous new homeopathic street drug, Johnny Wort, has claimed yet another life. A Burnaby teenager whose name cannot be published is the latest in a rash of deaths.

Close friends of the teen told reporters, “[name redacted] was always the ‘thrill-seeker’ in our group. I mean, he did it all. Echinea. Hibisus. Gin-seng. He lived on the edge, he’d dilute things down to half, a quarter, hell, even an eighth of their original concentration. But in the end it caught up with him.”

The coroner’s report confirmed this overdose to be the cause of death, showing “an almost zero per cent concentration of any medicinal ingredients in the teen’s bloodstream.” The report went on to add, “At levels that diluted, an overdose was inevitable.”

– Rich Richards

 

Neil deGrasse Tyson “sick of entire internet”

Perceptions were shattered last Friday as video of a drunken Neil deGrasse Tyson going off on an expletive-fueled tirade outside Blue Note Jazz Club surfaced online.

In the video, the inebriated astrophysicist was quoted as saying “Bunch of cat-watching, meme-making freaks. I used to be an astrophysicist, an astro [expletive]-ing physicist. But now look at me…,”

Pausing to briefly vomit into a trash receptacle, the medal of excellence winner continued, “I used to be something. I used to be a contender [laughs]. Before all this, I was picking apart the mysteries of the universe. But now people come up to me on the street. Do the ‘We got a badass here’ thing! Do the ‘We got a badass here’ thing! Like I’m a [expletive]ing Disneyland Goofy.”

– Wendy Wendleton

By Gary Lim

Ski Ninjas: My Jam

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By Kyle Lees at Ski Ninjas

If a tree burns in a swamp, does anyone care?

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By Gerald Jacobs — University of Manitoba (CUP)

Image by: Christopher Elliott

This year, one of the oldest living organisms in the world caught fire and burned to death. “The Senator” was the nickname given to a cypress tree that had been living in a Florida swamp for the last 3,500 years. It was 38.1 metres tall, and had a girth as wide as two men’s full arms’ lengths. Until that day, it had been considered the fifth oldest tree in the world, and the largest tree of its kind in North America.

Reactions to the event seem to have ranged from, “That’s a little sad,” to “It’s just a damn tree,” to “Worse things happen every day. Why is this in the news?”

What I find sad is just how little attention this story received. I understand that indifferent reactions might be attributed to a lack of reflection on how long 3,500 years is, but the apathy permeating our culture really gets to me. And historical apathy is particularly galling.

So if you’re one of those folk who took time away from your “omg”ing and “lololol”ing on your iPhone to express resentment at The Senator’s appearance in the news, I’d like to take a moment to explain to you why this is a legitimate tragedy.

Three thousand five hundred years ago, the Greeks were just starting construction on the Parthenon, and the Pyramids at Giza were still a relatively new sight. The Egyptians were thanking Anuket for the fertile Nile floodplain and praising Horus for making them the most innovative kingdom on Earth. Meanwhile, across the Atlantic Ocean, a little sprout took root in the middle of a swamp and decided to stick around for a while.

Fast-forward 700 years, and that little sprout was probably around 16.8 metres tall and something like middle-aged in cypress-years. Back on the other side of the planet, industrious Romans had started building a city. Another 300 years later, the first public law — the foundation for the later Roman constitution — was introduced to the Roman Republic in the form of the Twelve Tables, around the time when Socrates was a young man in Athens. Our cypress had reached its average life expectancy of 1,000 years.

Another 1,000 years later, the ancient Greek civilization had long been swallowed by the Roman Empire, which had only recently collapsed itself. Our tree was now twice as old as it could have ever expected to be, much larger, and frequently used by local Indigenous groups as a landmark for navigation.

Yet another 1,000 years passed. Our tree had survived three millennia of fires, earthquakes and hurricanes. It had witnessed untold ages of American First Nations, and seen the European colonization of America and everything that followed, bad and good — from the impact of colonialism on the First Nations to humans walking on the Moon.

The Senator had been there for nearly every major moment of recorded human history, living out its life in quiet solitude. As old empires died and new ones reshaped the face of the Earth, this tree grew without interruption for three times as long as it ought to have.

Had we awoken to find that the Washington Monument, a national symbol of American achievement, had spontaneously caught fire and collapsed, much of the world would have been in shock. Had one of the Great Pyramids — international symbols of human achievement — suddenly collapsed, we would have collectively wept for the loss. But a 3,500 year-old tree transcends human achievement. It is a natural monument to life itself, a symbol of all the aeons — of a time before man could throw a spear or hammer stone or attach symbolic meaning to the things he or she produced.

This giant passed with just a whisper.

I’m not saying people need to start worshiping trees as gods or change their lives in any appreciable way. I just wish that if all you had to say about this event was, “It’s not news; it’s only a damn tree,” you’d take a very brief moment to understand what it meant, both in terms of nature and history. A monument need not be man-made to be meaningful.