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Man's pink shirt single-handedly puts an end to bullying, breast cancer

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WEB-pink shirt-Mark Burnham

Man’s wardrobe choices end bullying and breast cancer; Livestrong bracelets still don’t do shit

By Brad McLeod
Photos by Mark Burnham

VANCOUVER — Despite the best intentions and hard work done by social activists and scientists alike in the past several decades, both bullying and breast cancer officially ceased existing thanks to an unexpected hero, a man who wore a pink t-shirt to work last week.

Hal Lungren, a 43-year-old schoolteacher from the Joyce- Collingwood area, reportedly ended both the abstract concept of “bullying” and the very specific disease of breast cancer by simply walking outside his house
in a colour of clothing not typically associated with his gender. “It was absolutely astonishing,” recalled one witness of Lungren’s enigmatic display of bravery, “I remember he passed me by on the street and as soon as I saw his shirt I instinctively knew I was cured. The lump in my breast was gone . . . and in reaching for my chest I also let go of this person that I had been noogieing for the last hour. Suddenly, I didn’t even have the urge to chase after them.” As Lungren walked through his neighbourhood, everyone he passed was rid of both the cancer in their breasts and the rage they felt towards weaklings, poindexters and dweebs.

The feeling soon spread across the city, and by Sunday, the nation. By the next morning bullying and breast cancer were no longer world problems, joining the ranks of the bubonic plague and terrorism.

As of yet, scientists have not been able to explain the phenomena of the pink shirt, but it is not the first time an article of clothing has made such a dramatic impact on society. In the 1940s in Italy, black shirts were able to rid the country of pesky things such as democracy and happiness, in the 1970s, a Che Guvera t-shirt overthrew an oppressive dictatorship in Cuba, and more recently, shirts bearing the word “swag” finally gave an identifiable mark to people who should be avoided at all costs.

As for Lungren’s pink shirt, those involved in raising awareness about the previously littleknown anti-bullying and breast cancer movements are baffled as to why they weren’t able to yield the same results with their own pink attire.

“I think the big difference between the shirt that ultimately ended bullying and breast cancer, and those that just raised a little awareness
about them, was the shade,” explained Tom Johnson, a doctor of Interior design. “Most of the breast cancer apparel had been excessively magenta and the anti-bullying stuff was too dull and faded . . . Mr. Lungren’s shirt was just the perfect shade of pink to finally make the world realize the tragedy of breast cancer and bullying. Although Mr. Lungren has
been celebrated as a hero for standing up to bullying and cancer, instead of being another white shirt-wearing sheep, he’s told the media that the entire event was actually an accident and the shirt he wore was in fact just a white shirt that had gotten mixed in with his red laundry.

Regardless of his motivation, Lungren triumphed in defeating two of the world’s biggest evils, with probably the only remaining global problems being homophobia, drought, famine, every other type of cancer, hepatitises A–E, malaria, AIDS, racism, genocide, murder, cyberbullying ( which was somehow it was unaffected), rape, alcoholism, drug addiction, sobriety, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, Harlem shakes, swarms of killer bees, southern comedian Killer Beaz, the band Phish, and the general depression of every human being on earth.

Benny and the regrets

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The controversies surrounding Pope Benedict XVI’s Vatican career

pope

By Ljudmila Petrovic
Illustration by Eleanor Qu

 

“In today’s world . . . both strength of mind and body are necessary, strength which in the last few months, has deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me.”

 

With these words, Pope Benedict XVI resigned from his position in the Roman Catholic Church, something that had not happened for almost 600 years. But the significance of the event lies in the discussions that it reignited. Pope Benedict cited his failing health and old age as the reason for his resignation but, as with any historic event, the announcement was followed by a string of alternative theories.

Not surprisingly, Pope Benedict’s career and personal life have been scrutinized, as well as the Church’s more recent scandals.

 

Pope Benedict: Early Nazi Ties?

Pope Benedict XVI was born Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger on April 16, 1927 in Bavaria. One well-known biographical detail is his membership in the Hitler Youth at the age of 14.

The Atlantic Wire scoured Twitter and found that it was not an uncommon thread: “Resigning for health reasons! Yeah. That’s it. Not because of anything scandalous like covering up child abuse or having a Nazi youth past,” read one tweet. “Old Benni’s Nazi past is trending in the UK, right up there with all the Popery,” said another.

It should be noted, however, that this was required by law for all German boys his age after Dec. 1939; it is hardly accurate to dwell on this. A few years later he was drafted into the German anti-aircraft corps and trained in the infantry, but deserted in 1945 as the Allied forces approached. He was held as a prisoner of war for a few months, but was released by the end of the Second World War.

 

Sex scandals

We’ve all heard a Catholic priest joke or two, but in recent years, the Catholic Church has been getting increasing amounts of attention as sex scandals come to light. In fact, one of the theories about Pope Benedict’s resignation has cited his link to these scandals; some Twitter users even go so far as to speculate that his resignation is preemptive and that there are more scandals being unearthed.

Pope Benedict himself has received criticism for his indirect role in the scandals. In the German church, his brother, Msgr. Georg Ratzinger, was in charge of a choir at a boarding school that had recently been at the brunt of abuse claims. In 1980, while he was still in the positions of archdiocese of Munich and Freising, he approved a transfer for therapy for a priest accused of molesting boys. Upon completion of therapy, the priest was allowed to return to his place in the Church, only to commit more abuses. It was not until March 2010 that the current archdiocese of Munich admitted that the affair had not been handled correctly; however, the Vatican denied that Benedict XVI was in any way responsible.

In the four years leading up to his papacy, Benedict XVI was also the head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, and he led the Vatican investigations into the abuse allegations.

In what some have called a chillingly timely fashion, Feb. 4 marked the premiere of Mea Maxima Culpa, Alex Gibney’s new HBO show. It looks at the Catholic Church’s history of sexual abuse scandals and the pope’s complicity. “[The pope] says he is disgusted by [the abuse], and I believe him,” said Gibney in an interview. “But he lives within this institution, with this group of men who exist between mortals and the angels, and he favors protecting the institution to protecting the children.”

 

Vatileaks

One of the most significant scandals in Pope Benedict’s career — and one that is said to have contributed immensely to his failing health — is the “Vatileaks” affair. According to the website, “Vatileaks is a site dedicated to publishing unknown and suppressed information that has been hidden from the people by the Vatican hierarchs in an attempt to conceal the truth about its past.”

The scandal first came to light in January 2012, when memos from the pope’s office were leaked. Paolo Gabriele, the pope’s butler, was arrested in association with the scandal. On Oct. 6 of last year, he was found guilty of theft. He was serving his 18-month sentence on Dec. 22, 2012 when Pope Benedict XVI paid him a visit and forgave him for the crime.

Items leaked included the removal of Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano from office after he attempted to stop nepotism within the Church, and allegations that Mafia leader Enrico De Pedis had been buried alongside former popes and cardinals for the price of one billion lire ($660,000). What the world learned was stories of corruption within the Vatican, and Pope Benedict was widely criticized for his lack of leadership and inability to handle this internal dishonesty.

 

Other religions

In a September 2006 speech at the University of Regensburg, Pope Benedict called the words of a Byzantine emperor who characterized some of the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad “evil and inhuman.” He apologized several days later, saying that the text had not reflected his own opinions. One of his main critics for this was the al-Azhar mosque in Cairo and in 2011, an advertising campaign for Benetton alluded to this by displaying photo shopped images of the pope kissing Mohammed Ahmed al-Tayeb — the mosque’s grand sheikh — on the lips. The ads were quickly removed when the Vatican threatened legal action.

In 2008, it was announced that the pope had made revisions to the “Good Friday Prayer for the Jews” part of the Tridentine Mass. The new version, translated from the Latin, reads: “Let us also pray for the Jews: That our God and Lord may illuminate their hearts, that they acknowledge that Jesus Christ is the Savior of all men.” Jewish organizations around the world spoke out in criticism of the wording of the prayer, believing that it had historical implications for the conversion of Jews.

 

Prophecy

Not quite a scandal, but for those that are more so inclined, there has also been talk of a prophecy involving Pope Benedict. In the 12th century, St. Malachy, bishop of Armagh, predicted that Petrus Romanus (or Peter the Roman) would be the 112th and last pope of the Catholic Church. Pope Benedict is the 111th since Malachy’s recorded visions. Now, people have visions all the time, but apparently, Malachy’s have come true before.
Take that as you will.

Rise in Theft on Burnaby Campus

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WEB-library thief-Mark Burnham

SFU security warns students to keep their valuables close

By Alison Roach
Photos by Mark Burnham

There appears to be a rise in the number of thefts happening at SFU campuses. A blanket warning was recently posted on the SFU Campus Security webpage, cautioning students “of the importance of securing [their] personal belongings when on campus.”

This warning comes on the heels of a noticeable spike in on-campus thefts of opportunity since the new year. SFU
Campus Security director Steven MacLean explained, “These are thefts where individuals are leaving their personal stuff alone, unattended, and unguarded, and then people take advantage of that.” An unusual number of these thefts have been reported since

Jan. 1, with a total of 40 incidents. Last year alone the Burnaby campus experienced 225 thefts of opportunity, which is higher than average, but the real spike began around the beginning of the new year, and the new semester. “It is unusual,” said MacLean.

While MacLean emphasized that security has not been able to pinpoint any specific targeted areas, he acknowledges there are areas on campus that experience more thefts. “There are one of two incidents where this is happening in classrooms,” MacLean stated, “but there is also common study areas where these items are being stolen.”

The stolen property has been typically electronics and students’ personal items. “What we’re seeing is the theft of a lot of electronics; so iPhones, iPads, laptops . . . and wallets and backpacks as well,” said MacLean.

Though some backpacks have been recovered, they had been emptied of valuables. None of the stolen electronics have been returned to their owners.

Campus Security was unable to go into detail on any potential suspects, but there have been several reports of people who may be behind the thefts. Campus Security has been working alongside the Burnaby RCMP to see if those individuals may be previously known to local police forces.

“We think perhaps there is a group of people working in concert, conducting this type of activity. For operational reasons right now, we don’t want to give too much information, but hopefully we’ll be able to release more information in the near future,” said MacLean. He was unable to say whether its known if the suspects are part of the SFU community or not.

SFU Campus Security has also been working with other campus officials and SFU’s social media networks to spread the word that students need to be taking more active possession of their own belongings.

One SFU student. Who wished to remain unnamed, recently had a laptop stolen from a computer lab in the West Mall Complex during an open lab session where many students were working on an assignment for the same course.
“The thief came and sat at the computer next to me and began to unpack some materials from his bag,” they described, “I was so focused on the assignment that I didn’t pay much attention to him, or even notice when got up and left two minutes later. He placed his bag by mine and pretended to go into it to find something but was actually reaching into my purse to slip my laptop out of its case.”

Stories like this are being echoed throughout campus, and students are warned to keep a close watch on their belongings, as well as to watch out for their friends. That student’s personal advice? “Make sure you have an eye on your valuables at all times. This wouldn’t have happened if my purse was in front of me on the desk, but then again, one would assume that right by your feet would be safe as well.” MacLean’s parting advice follows the same tack: “Look out for each other. Look after your stuff.”

Annual Missing Women’s March hits DTES streets

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WEB-womens march- ljudmila Petrovic-1
Aboriginal, women’s groups honour missing women

By Ljudmila Petrovic
Photos by Ljudmila Petrovic

It was a rainy and grey Valentine’s Day and the smell of burning sage was rising above the banners that crowded the corner at Main and Hastings. “In memory of those that are no longer with us,” read one. “RIP Teressa Williams,” another.

A large crowd of people of all genders and cultural backgrounds had gathered for the 22nd Annual Women’s Memorial March; female or not, Aboriginal or otherwise, everybody was there to honor and respect the missing women of the Downtown Eastside.

In 1991, a Coast Salish woman was murdered on Powell Street, sparking the first women’s memorial march on Valentine’s Day of that year. 22 years later, the march continues every Valentine’s Day to honor her memory and the memories of women like her. The first woman on Vancouver’s missing women’s list went missing Sept. 12, 1978; by 2001, a joint police task force estimated the number of missing women at 45.

In 2002, pig farmer William Pickton was arrested and charged in association to 27 of the murdered women. In 2007, he was finally convicted of only six of these charges, and the number of missing women in the Downtown Eastside alone is estimated at well over 60.

Dozens of women have gone missing between 1969 and 2006 from the “Highway of Tears” — an 800 km stretch of highway between Prince George and Prince Rupert. Due to the lack of transportation in the area, women are often forced to hitchhike, and while the official victim count lies at 18, many Aboriginal community leaders have estimated that the numbers are significantly higher, even as steep as 45.

This year’s event began at 11 a.m., with family members of the missing women speaking out in front of Carnegie Community Center Theatre. At noon, the general public was invited to join them and begin the march, which circles around the DTES, stopping at places where women were last seen or found. As the march snaked around the neighborhood, the community resonated with the sound of beating drums and song — stopping only at intervals to perform traditional ceremonies or to lay roses at these spots.

The air was heavy and somber, but there was nonetheless a sense of resilience, love and compassion. One Aboriginal woman was handing out handmade cards that read, “Each time a person stands up for an ideal . . . she sends forth a tiny ripple of hope. These ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.” As a cameraman passed by her, she pressed one into his hand, only to have him push it back to her, saying he didn’t want it.

“If you’re filming this, you should know what it’s about,” she insisted. “It’s about love and respect.” This sentiment was reflected when the march stopped in front of the courtroom for speeches by community activists. Tears flowed freely as Beverley Jacobs, former President of the Native Women’s Association of Canada took the microphone.

She spoke of honouring the spirits of the missing women, but she was also sure to point out the shortfalls of the police and RCMP in dealing with the issue of missing women, two months after Commissioner Wally Oppal released a 1,448- page report concluding that police work was in fact inadequate and biased, and led to so many disappearances.

“This hasn’t stopped. Still, after all these years, we still have missing and murdered Indigenous women in this country,” she said, to cries of “shame!” “We need our allies to stand with us, because we are all in this together.” She was followed by Aboriginal activist CJ Julien, who spoke of her own experiences as a recovering addict and former sex worker, and her sister, who was found murdered in 1992, only five minutes away from the Pickton farm.

“There is no justice in this courthouse. No justice at all,” she exclaimed, pointing behind her. “They didn’t care to listen to me. They called me a junkie, a prostitute, an Indian. Shame on them!” She, too, spoke of the internal power struggles and disinterest that led to the Pickton Inquiry’s failure.

“There’s still denying justice, and they’re still not cooperating with one another . . . but yet all those women, all my sisters and my friends, were going missing.”

The march continued until the crowd reached Oppenheimer Park at 2:30 p.m., where everyone gathered with candles around the park’s totem pole for a healing circle. Several eagles circled over the healing circle at Oppenheimer Park as family members of the missing women beat their drums and sang. “They’re telling us that [the women] are all alright,” whispered one woman.

Talking politics: distilling the NDP’s stance on education

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An interview with NDP’s Advanced Education Critic Michelle Mungall

By Alison Roach

On her way to our on-campus interview, Michelle Mungall got a little lost. While she has spent the past two years on post-secondary campuses throughout the province and has visited SFU Burnaby four times by her count, the distinction between different Renaissance Cafes is still a tricky one.

When she did breeze into the Cornerstone Renaissance, I was a bit taken-aback. When I had arranged the meet-up with the NDP Advanced Education Critic and MLA for Nelson Creston, I was expecting someone who looked a lot more — well, like a politician. However, Mungall sat down in a whirl of long, dark hair, a brightly coloured handbag, and a tiny gem peeking out from the side of her nose. And then we started talking about the upcoming election, and NDP politics.

Here are the highlights of our conversation.

On BC’s looming worker deficit:
“The fact [is] that 80 per cent of jobs are going to require some level of post-secondary education in the next few years, and we’re just not going to have the population in BC as it is to fill that, even if we educated everybody. But the bigger problem is not everybody is getting the training they need for the jobs of the future, and there’s a variety of reasons for that. Affordability being top of mind.”

On the Liberals’ $50 million cut to post-secondary education:
“In talking about the cuts I’ve used this word and the current advanced education minister really didn’t like it; and I said “dismal.” I think it is dismal to make these type of decision at a time that’s not good for BC’s economy. We need to be training young people at all levels of post-secondary education, and that’s what the data clearly shows.”

On the pushback from universities:
“All [university] presidents responded with a letter to the provincial government which insisted that these cuts will impact students. This letter was unprecedented. Never before have all 25 post-secondary institution presidents gotten together and done this. So they’re pushing back . . . they’re not pushing back out of self-interest, they’re pushing back because there is clear data coming from the provincial government about why we need to invest in post-secondary education.”

The NDP solution:
“Right off the bat we need to be ensuring that we’re reducing barriers for young people to start postsecondary education. One of the best ways we can do that, we all know, is affordability, and for those who are struggling the most, and getting into the biggest debt-loads, there’s something we can do. We did it up to 2004, everyone else does it, and its financial needs-based grants. We’re going to put $100 million back into that grant program.”

Where they’re going to get that money:
“Back in 2008 the Liberals cut a corporate capital gains tax from a very nominal rate, about two per cent, to zero per cent. So that means the big banks are not paying any of that tax. The reason they’re not paying any of that tax is they said “get rid of this tax for us and we’ll create more jobs.” They cut jobs . . . so we’re going to bring back that corporate capital gains tax to that 2008 level, a very competitive level still in North America, and we’re going to take the money from that, which is about $150–$200 million revenue, and we’re going to put $100 million into financial needs-based grants.”

On dealing with the loans you already have:
“We’ve been talking about interest rates for student loans, BC having the highest. Can we reduce that interest rate? And how much would we be able to reduce it by? There’s definitely a desire for us to be looking at that and that’s what I’ve been doing; crunching the numbers. It’s looking pretty good. It’s also a matter of fairness. BC students are paying the highest interest rate across Canada, on the highest debt-loads.”

And why this is all important:
“I think it’s really important to have these conversations over the years, before heading into an election, to get a really good understanding of what’s been going on in our system; where it’s at, and what we can do to improve it. We do have an amazing system here in BC. We have tremendous schools that have very high international ranking, so a lot to be proud of. We want to keep it that way, and to keep it that way we have to make these investments.”

University Briefs – Feb 18, 2013

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By Alison Roach
Pierre Lafontainee new leader of university sports

Former CEO and national coach of Swimming Canada Pierre Lafontaine has been named the new leader of Canadian Interuniversity Sport (CIS), the national governing body. The small 10-person staff at CIS has since been infused with new energy since Lafontaine’s appointment, who personal hopes to focus on keeping Canada’s elite athletes at home, singing TV deals to fund competitive programs, and boosting national pride. “We need to become the destination of choice for high-performance athletes in the country,” said Lafontaine, “We’re losing too many of our best kids to the US.”

With files from The Star

 

McGill decries budget cuts

McGill University’s Board of Governors stated that there is no way the university can possibly cut $20 million by April, as been requested by the Parti Quebecois government. The cuts would represent nearly five per cent of McGill’s operation budget. McGill’s principal Heather Munroe-Blum called the measures, “draconian, unpredictable [and] ineffective to running a quality-accessibility university system.” The board has asked the PQ to redraw the retroactive cuts, saying their demands are too much for the university to handle.

With files from CBC

 

New Brunswick tries to hold onto grads

The provincial government is launching a program that will create new jobs and attempt to keep recent university graduates in the province. The One-Job Pledge initiative gives businesses monetary incentives to create new positions for new graduates, or anyone who has graduated within the last four years. Businesses participating in the program will receive government support for a year, and will be expected to continue the job after that period, although this isn’t ensured.

With files from The Brunswickan

SFU international student killed in car accident

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sfu intl student photo - matthew tichenor : flickr

Zambian native Mwekwa Kaongwa died at scene

By Alison Roach
Photos by Matthew Tichenor / Flickr

The victim of a fatal car crash in downtown Vancouver on Feb. 8 was identified last week as SFU student Mwekwa Kaongwa, a 22 year old engineering student from Zambia. Kaongwa was killed when the white BMW he was driving veered off the viaduct, struck a tree and a pole, and flipped over. Kaongwa died at the scene of the crash.

The accident took place at around 3 a.m. Friday morning on the Georgia Street Viaduct. “It is early in the investigation, but police believe speed is a factor in the crash,” said Vancouver police spokesman Constable Brian Montague in a press release. Police have not confirmed witness reports that street racing may have played a part in the crash. “We may not know all of the contributing factors, other than speed, for some time,” said Montague.

The other three passengers, all between the ages of 20 and 24 years old and also from Zambia, survived the crash. The other victims of the crash were transported to hospital with “very serious and life-threatening injuries,” Montague stated. All three are expected to survive. Kaongwa’s name was not released immediately following the crash, pending notification of next of kin. The SFU African Student Association (ASA) announced Kaongwa’s death “with great sorrow” on their Facebook page shortly after the accident. A small spiritual service was held the following Sunday morning at Restoration Church on the SFU Surrey campus, attended by Kaongwa’s close friends and classmates.

SFU officials declined to release any personal information on Kaongwa, out of respect for those close to him. SFU director of projects Chris Rogerson, did speak on behalf of the university. “What I can say is that we are always very saddened by such news, when a young person is taken away so suddenly,” stated Rogerson.

Rogerson went on to state that the university is currently working with the family and friends of Kaongwa, “to make sure they have the necessary support in this difficult time.” A group of friends of the deceased are also working to put together a public, open memorial service for him, which will hopefully be attended by Kaongwa’s family.

The memorial is tentatively planned for Feb. 23. Rogerson was able to confirm that other people involved in the accident are affiliated with SFU as well, but could not go into numbers or detail. “We’re trying to support those people who need help at this point in time, and their personal privacy is theirs to keep,” he explained. Rogerson also emphasized the open accessibility of SFU health and counselling staff to anyone who may need support at this time.

Mica-El Mumba, a friend of Kaongwa’s, later spoke to his death, as reported by The Vancouver
Sun. “What I want them to know most about him is that he was a very open guy, very loving guy. And he used to work very hard,” said Mumba, “He was very passionate about what he did and I know that that passion was very contagious. And he was a great guy.”

This latest accident has elicited calls from the community to get rid of the bridges altogether. The Georgia Street Viaduct, which was originally built to be part of a freeway connecting to Highway 1, instead curves abruptly to join Prior Street.

The City of Vancouver has said it plans to remove both the Georgia and Dunsmuir Street viaducts, a move that Vancouver City Councillor Geoff Meggs said would make the Strathcona neighbourhood safer, according to CTV News.

“People do come off the viaducts if they’re not paying attention at excessive rates of speeds. As a result there’s a lot of danger for people who are trying to work and live in their own neighbourhood,” stated Meggs. For now, the investigation into the devastating accident continues while friends and classmates of Kaongwa mourn his loss.

Cruise Control your next run

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WEB-running app-Vaikunthe Banerjee

A new technological development from SFU researchers helps runners crush their goals

By Kelli Gustafson
Photos by Vaikunthe Banerjee

A research duo from Simon Fraser University’s Locomotion Lab have created a new app to help runners, entitled “Cruise Control.” Biomedical physiologist Max Donelan, along with PhD candidate Mark Snaterse, created this app after discovering that sound tempo can control running pace. Through the application of cruise control philosophy, this app works to assist runners in maintaining a particular pace, heart rate, or cadence, by controlling music tempo to pace their steps.

Donelan and Snaterse have spent the past few years perfecting the “control algorithms” for this new technology. “This project started a number of years ago when Max and I were looking into the mechanisms underlying the control of locomotion,” Snaterse said.

After conducting experiments, Donelan and Snaterse discovered that people would adjust their running speed in accordance with a shift in “metronome tempo [clicks, beats, etc.].” By applying this “control theory” and conducting more human experiments, Donelan and Snaterse became certain that runners could benefit with a technology to help regulate their speed using this theory. “Basically Cruise Control turns your music into your personal trainer,” Snaterse told The Peak.

After inputting your preferred distance, speed, cadence or heart rate, the app will select music from your phone, and adjusts the tempo automatically, to match your input goal(s). Snarterse compared the app to dancing; “during the run you just need to synchronize your steps with the music.” According to the developers, a runner can maintain their desired pace by having their steps matched to the tempo of the music playing.

According to Snaterse, all levels of runners could benefit from this app. “Regardless of your level, with Cruise Control it feels like your favourite band is right there with you timing their kick drum to drive you faster and further.” Snaterse admitted that he “never run[s] without the app anymore,” and revealed that his favorite song to run to is “Dancing Shoes” by The Arctic Monkeys.

The app has received wide acclaim from gadget buffs and cardio junkies alike, and has been featured on social media sites such as Mashable, Gizmag, Lifehacker, and Guyism. So if you’re looking for a way to stop your iPod from betraying you with swelling Celine Dion mid-workout, Cruise Control will run you $4.99 at the iTunes AppStore.

POINT: Chicken Wings Suck

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WEB-chicken wings-Ljudmila Petrovic copy
Wings aren’t the only things that come in hot, steaming piles

By David “Eat Alberta Grassfed Beef” Dyck
Photos by Ljudmila Petrovic

To see Counter-Point, click here!

Chicken wings. They’re everywhere. If they were a currency, it would be inflated like the pre-WWII German economy, with remarkably similar results. Hundreds of value-seeking students packed into rows, ordering piles of wings for what appears to be a comparatively cheap rate on every “wings night” you find yourself in the middle of. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re enjoying yourself, though. Why is that?

You just wanted to enjoy a beer and maybe a burger without having cheap chicken panzerschrecked all over the table. It starts with value. Why get the meal that you wanted when you can just eat chicken for pennies on the dollar? Besides, everyone else at the table is on board. The lust for chicken is spreading like a cheap, saucy plague, and you don’t want to be the jerk going against the tide.

That brings us to the sauces. Once the indoctrinated masses have convinced everyone to feast on tiny chicken meat, the last question is the sauce question. There are two final solutions: you can get wet wings or dry wings. No matter which way you line them up, each option is worse than the last.

Napkins turn to useless, shredded pulp in the wake of wet sauce; if you’re lucky enough to get one of the two moist towelettes that may or may not be provided, it’s good for cleaning half a hand, at most. In a situation where you have to use your fingers for anything besides shoveling chicken into your face, you’re screwed. Lick your fingers?

Last I checked, this is the first world. Get dry wings? They taste like rubber. Use a fork? With how tiny they are, it would be like trying to remove a tumour from a baby’s brain.

And of course they can’t be seasoned with rosemary and cracked pepper. No, it’s all FRANCO’S SUPER RED HOT SPICY WINGS that appeal to people who want to be rounded up and accosted with heat. Some sadomasochistic urge in your “friends” drives them to sit around tearing small amounts of meat off of unsettlingly small bones that are coated in a sticky, uncomfortable sauce. Chicken wings are not worth the hollow cost. Don’t just follow orders. Eat a burger.

COUNTER-POINT: Wings are the best

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WEB-chicken wings-Ljudmila Petrovic copy
They’re cheap and part of a balanced meal

To see Point, click here!

By Ljudmila Petrovic
Photos by Ljudmila Petrovic

There’s something about hearing the words “Wings” and “Wednesday” together in a sentence that just warms the cockles of my heart. Maybe it’s because they’re fiscally responsible, maybe it’s because they come in those adorable baskets, maybe it’s because they’re fun to eat. I don’t know.

Okay, so it would probably be more “worth it” if you were paying 25–35 cents per wing if it belonged to a bigger bird, but I personally don’t see gnawing on an albatross wing as a fun after-class activity. Sure, you sometimes come across a vein, but that comes with the top-of-the-foodchain territory.

All in all though, wings are fun. You get your protein AND you get to choose from a plethora of sauces. It can never get boring, and there’s bound to be a sauce for each of your moods. Feeling spunky? Get some hot wings. Rustic? BBQ. Safe and traditional? Get some salt n’ peppa! Like a little girl? Go with honey garlic.

Another thing I love about wings is the competition that often comes with the territory. I find it hard to not accept a challenge, especially when there’s usually a taunt on the sauce list along the lines of: “Think you can survive our deathly spicy, burn-off-your-mouth SUPER HOT DEATH SUICIDE MURDER WINGS?” Uh, yeah. I do, actually. Let me tell you, you will stumble out of that bar feeling like you just dodged death. You may not look it, but you’ll sure as hell feel like a million bucks.

This brings me to my next point: beer. I’m not normally a huge beer drinker, but when I get some wings in front of me, it’s hard to resist some brew. Health and fitness magazines are always telling me that a balanced meal of carbohydrates and (lean) protein will keep me the most satiated and are a sure-fire way to drop at least 25 lbs in a week. Beer is a carbohydrate, correct? Chicken is a lean protein for sure. Women’s Health would be so proud of me right now.

But ultimately any day of the week that combines alliteration and meat is okay in my books. Yes, I am also a proponent of Steak Sundays and Filet Mignon Fridays, thanks for asking.

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