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The Craziest, Most Outrageous, Most Surprising, Best, Worst and Average Countdown Lists of the Year 2013

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Oh boy, what a crazy year 2013 was for year-in-review countdown lists! There were just so many ridiculous, crazy countdown shows and magazine articles that happened this year (espeacially in December) it’s hard to fit them all into one list! Anyway here’s a countdown of some of the most memorable countdown lists of 2013!

5. CNN’s Top 50 moments of 2013

Wow, this was a crazy list! Starting from #50 and going all the way to #1 is pretty standard but did anyone really see that commercial break coming right before the top five! This was definitely one of the most surprising countdowns of the year!

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4. MTV’s most memorable 100 people, places and things of 2013

MTV is a veteran of countdowns but really outdid themselves this year with a top 100 list! Sure even I could come up with say . . . 85 people, places and things that were memorable this this year, but 100! What a countdown!

3. MuchMusic’s Countdown of the Top 20 Videos of 2013

I know, a top 20 list at #3 on a top five countdown list, really? Don’t be fooled by the low key amount of things to countdown here, this list was jam packed with so many honourable mentions and bonus clips it might as well have been a top 200!

2. TSN’s Top 100 sports moments of
the year (2013)

TSN’s Top 100 play of the year rarely disappoints and 2013’s was no exception. Recapping the whole list with shortened clips after every group of ten moments was an especially clever way to both help late viewers and fill out a 3-hour TV block!

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1. Peak Humour’s “The Craziest, Most Outrageous, Most Surprising, Best, Worst and Average Countdown Lists of the Year 2013”

Maybe a bit of surprising choice to go number one here, but Peak Humour’s 2013 countdown of the best countdowns of 2013 had everything you could want in a countdown list. Sure, the premise seemed a little weak and actually carrying out its meta-premise was surely pretty tedious to read but it did make the top spot on this list of the top countdowns of the year so it must done something right!

The best albums of 2013

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10. Haim – Days Are Gone

In terms of plain and simple fun this year, no record beats Days Are Gone. From its opening synths, which are as warm and cheesy as baked macaroni, the three Haim sisters — along with drummer Dash Hutton — indulge in 11 tracks of comfort food pop, from the angular guitars of “Forever” to the disco chorus of “Don’t Save Me.” Each track conforms to a tried and true verse chorus verse format but, Haim’s knack for instant classic songwriting keeps the record from seeming stale. There’s a devil may care spirit to each track, and, even better, a sense that all three sisters are having a blast making it.

Where many of 2013’s best records were intimate, serious and challenging, Days Are Gone was the FM radio pop antidote none of us knew we needed. I’ve probably listened to “The Wire” more than any song this year — I know each word by heart. Some might accuse Haim of relying too much on the soft rock touchstones of the mid 70s, but writing music this enjoyable and generous is harder than it looks. Whether you’re making a heartsick mixtape or looking for something to crank on a Summer road trip, Days Are Gone will, from now on, be the obvious choice.

 

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9. Majical Cloudz – Impersonator

“See how I’m faking my side of it / I’m a liar, I say I make music.” These are the first lines Devon Welsh sings on Impersonator, his second album as one half of Majical Cloudz. Backed by producer and multi-instrumentalist Matthew Otto, Welsh’s lyrics only get more direct from there — his rich, thick baritone masks his unflinching confidence, the mark of an artist unafraid to bare all. The songs are catchy and (mostly) radio friendly, but the duo is unconcerned with anyone other than those who are directly affected by their stories of love and loss, hope and failure.

The simple beauty of Otto’s electronic ambiance and Welsh’s conversational tone give Impersonator an emotional directness that help make its heaviest moments palatable. Though it may lack the immediate gratification that’s come to define the biggest successes of the social media age, the record’s patience and opaqueness are hardly flaws — Welsh is happy to repeat a line ad absurdum to make sure it really sinks in, and Otto creates tonal atmospheres which shifts only subtly throughout four minute runtimes. Impersonator is inviting, but it doesn’t beg for your attention. Majical Cloudz didn’t make this record for you, but you’re more than welcome to sing along.

 

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8. Waxahatchee – Cerulean Salt

I am every person mentioned throughout Cerulean Salt, and if you’re a university student reading this, you probably are, too. Katie Crutchfield, formerly a member of the band with the Greatest Name Ever (P.S. Eliot) has condensed her considerable pop punk chops down to the bare essentials: catchy melodies, straight-faced deliveries, and lines that land like gut punches. On her second solo album as Waxahatchee, Crutchfield’s quarter life crisis is told in miniature tableaus — dreams of lazy mornings, sleepless nights and undiagnosed depression. Each track is a snapshot of millennial malaise told with just enough empathy to know she must be one of us.

But Cerulean Salt doesn’t use its singer’s youth as a crutch — the songs range from indie heartthrob folk to riot grrrl style punk rock, and each one is as musically adept as it is quietly moving. “Swan Dive,” one of the record’s best songs, is a particularly cynical take on happily ever afters: “I’ll keep having dreams about / Loveless marriage and regret.” But despite her heartbreaking and sometimes bleak lyrics, Crutchfield’s songs often shine with potential and — gasp! — optimism, in spite of themselves. Maybe there is hope for us, after all.

 

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7. Chance the Rapper – Acid Rap

Chancelor Bennett was still a teenager when he recorded Acid Rap, his second self-released mixtape and his first since graduating from high school. Despite his youthful cadence and gleeful enthusiasm, Acid Rap is a record beyond its artist’s now twenty years, an impressive balance of snarky wordplay, socially conscious manifestoes, and idiosyncratic charm. Featuring an enviable troupe of guest stars — from Ab-Soul to Childish Gambino — Acid Rap’s thirteen tracks see the rapper commenting on the gang violence in his Chicago hometown, haunted by the ghost of his deceased friend, and longing for the days of diagonal grilled cheeses and Rugrats VHS tapes.

What’s most impressive about the record, and Chance himself, is the amount of effort he puts into each verse — the rapper is constantly pushing himself, testing his limits in an effort to prove his worth. The result is one of the most confident and awe-inspiring performances on a hip-hop record in years, and one that has catapulted Chance from relative obscurity to Kendrick Lamar levels of reverence. Like that emcee, whose inventive approach to the genre may be the most prominent influence on Acid Rap, Chance’s music feels like a reinvention of the form, a mix of styles old and new that never once feels like a retread of old ground.

 

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6. Autre Ne Veut – Anxiety

Anxiety is a record for your high school boyfriend who called you at three in the morning to make sure everything was okay. It’s a record for the girl who slipped love notes inside your locker with locks of her hair. It’s a record for everyone who has stalked Facebook pages or blog histories. Arthur Ashin’s hair-raising falsetto PBR&B as Autre Ne Veut expresses all the hopeless devotion and unhealthy obsession of love and longing without sparing us the grisly details — the protagonists of his songs are hung up and hairbrained, and each song finds Ashin exploring another angle of uncertainty and existential angst.

At first listen, the songs on Anxiety — whose dramatic flair and intoxicating melodies would make Beyoncé blush — don’t seem to be hiding any dour subtext. But Ashin’s crisp songwriting and dance floor beats are occasionally and brilliantly upset by dischord: a saxophone skronk here, some squealing feedback there. These moments add an almost subconscious tension to Anxiety that help keep its grandest and most maudlin moments in check. Ashin’s populist pop casts a spell which is as disquieting as it is exhilarating — never before has anxiety sounded so good.

 

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5. My Bloody Valentine – m b v

“It’s not as good as Loveless!” I know. But how many records are? Kevin Shield and company’s much anticipated follow up to their 1991 shoegaze masterpiece may not hold a candle to its predecessor — but don’t let that obscure m b v’s quality, which is tremendous in its own right. mbv shares Loveless’ fuzzed out dynamic and whispered vocals, but it also injects a few modern kinks into the band’s DNA. Tracks like the drum-heavy “Nothing Is” and the bizarre closer “Wonder 2” keep m b v fresh and unpredictable, even though its analogue production and nineties flavour seem downright anachronistic.

What inspired Kevin Shields to finally release the record, which he has been tinkering with for over two decades, is still unclear — his perfectionism has become indie rock legend, which led many to believe m b v would never be released at all. But the record’s charm is that it seems to exist both in the present and the past. It’s distinctly a 2013 record, but in an alternate universe it could well have been released in 1993 and few would have batted an eye. My Bloody Valentine’s shoegaze supremacy has not dimmed in twenty-two years — let’s face it, longer than most of you reading this have been alive. That’s something.

 

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4. Neko Case – The Worse Things Get…

Neko Case has become alt-country’s Poster Girl because she’s as good a storyteller as her honky tonk progenitors. Each of her songs has a strong sense of personality, whether she’s writing from the perspective of a murderer or a tornado. But The Worse Things Get… is the best album of Case’s career because she’s writing from her most interesting point of view yet — her own. Even when spinning yarns in third person, Case’s playful humour and dynamic personality have always shone through, and on The Worse Things Get…, Case’s singular charm is finally given a well-deserved moment in the spotlight.

The songwriting on The Worse Things Get… is also Case’s strongest — the tightest and most vital chemical formula of her charismatic alt-country we’ve yet to see. The choruses are catchy, the genre experiments all click, and Case’s commanding vocal presence is as intoxicating as ever. The record has the added bonus of being endlessly quotable, as Case is also in top form lyrically — most of the album’s earworms would be incomplete without her unique brand of bite-sized wit. Case’s latest record is the culmination of 16 years of twangy talent and unabashed awesomeness, and it’s about time we took notice.

 

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3. Arcade Fire – Reflektor

After one of the most elaborate PR campaigns for a record in recent memory, is it any surprise that backlash was waiting on the other side of Arcade Fire’s release of Reflektor? Shouts of disappointment were never far from the record’s release — as quintessential indie rock exemplars, the band’s fairweather followers were quick to find flaws in the record’s sprawling runtime, genre experiments, and pretentious lyrics. Sure, Reflektor doesn’t share Funeral’s poignancy or The Suburbs’ radio-friendly swing, but it’s the most inventive and fascinating release the band have put out since their magnum opus nearly 10 years ago.

Indebted to the rhythms of Haiti, Berlin Trilogy Bowie and the dance punk expertise of co-producer James Murphy, Reflektor’s thirteen tracks are alternatively life affirming, world weary and bitterly critical. Kierkegaardian analyses and Greek mythology are the closest Reflektor gets to a singular concept, but Arcade Fire’s music was never about grasping a single message — the brilliance is in the band’s remarkable chemistry, distinctly uncool embrace of sentiment, and old-fashioned songwriting talent.

Reflektor has its share of oddball songs and left field quirks, but the band retains a sense of unity and identity throughout, making the record another in a long line of home runs for the Montreal sextet.

 

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2. Kanye West – Yeezus

Kanye West didn’t record Yeezus aiming for critical adoration or popular fanfare, although he probably knew he would get both anyway. From its opening moments — a disarming barrage of static buzz — West’s astronomically anticipated sequel to My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy announced itself as anything but. Kanye is all id here, challenging listeners to like him as his most depraved, destructive and ruthless misogynistic self. “Soon as they like you / Make ‘em unlike you,” he quips in “I Am a God,” and it may as well be the album’s mission statement — even the song’s title is a thinly veiled provocation.

Yeezus also abandons Kanye’s signature maximalism in favour of cacophony, anachronism and contrast. It’s a record of dualities, pairing aluminium beats and shallow production with harmonic interludes and fearless confessions. Kanye’s po-mo pastiche is reflective of his own manic depressive public image: the megalomaniacal monster and the sensitive sonneteer meet at Yeezus’ heart, but they’re unable to find common ground. This tension propels the LP through ten tracks of hubris and hangover, and in the end there’s no clear resolution — but Yeezus’ brilliance is ultimately in its denial of easy answers and happy endings. Kanye West is living in the now. He is the nucleus.

 

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1. Vampire Weekend – Modern Vampires of the City

If you could go back in time to last January and tell me that Vampire Weekend would find its way to the top of my Best Albums list, I would have laughed. Up until the release of the band’s sublime third record Modern Vampires of the City, their Afrobeat ebullience and rich kid narratives did nothing for me. Now, I think of them as one of the best bands working today — musicians who did some much needed growing up with elegance, intuition and flat out brilliance. Modern Vampires is a distinctly thirty-something record, exploring faith, youth and culture with hyperliterate charm and unpretentious frankness. Ezra Koenig’s tenor has mellowed and his lyrics have deepened, asking questions about God and growing up with a poetic twist that befits the band’s straight laced pop rock aesthetic.

The band has also abandoned their world beat crutch, incorporating pitch shifted vocals, unconventional instrumentation and more spontaneity. Where the band’s earlier records felt stuffy and micromanaged, Modern Vampires is given room to breathe and reflect — notably on the record’s striking centerpiece, “Hannah Hunt.” Each song has a distinct tone, but all contribute to the overall thesis of the record, which is one of modesty, maturity and subtle cynicism. Who knew they had it in them?

University Briefs

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Dino discovery at U of A

A team of scientists from the University of Alberta discovered a very well preserved fossil from a duck-billed Edmontosaurus regalis just west of Grande Prairie, Alta last year. What paleontologists find remarkable about this particular fossil is that it contains skin impressions preserved by a “natural cast.”

The soft tissue confirms the hypothesis that the dinosaur was in possession of a “fleshy head crest” and had a different appearance than previous skeletal evidence suggests. Researchers say this could prove true for other species of dinosaurs as well, whose soft-flesh features may be, as of yet, undiscovered.

With files from University of Alberta News

 

Alcohol and texting mix!

Researchers at York University have made strides in molecular communication, sending what doctoral candidate Nariman Farsad believes is “the world’s first text message to be transmitted entirely with molecular communication.”

In a recent experiment, they successfully used chemical signals provided by the alcohol content in vodka to send the text message “O Canada.” Farsad explained that they can encode alphabets by “controlling concentration levels of alcohol molecules . . . with single spray representing bit 1 and no spray representing bit 0.” Chemical signaling is a fairly new development in communication, but York professor Andrew Eckford says it “can offer a more efficient way of transmitting data inside tunnels, pipelines or deep underground structures.”

With files from York University Media Relations

 

Second hand vaccinations

Research coming out of UBC is showing that expectant mothers can successfully pass on antibodies from vaccinations to their unborn children. Administering vaccines to pregnant women has not always been encouraged since the side effects on the child can be unpredictable, but a change could be on the way in that regard. Studies are showing that “pre-loading immunity” could become a viable health practice.

Professor of obstetrics and gynecology at UBC, Deborah Money, says “Maternal vaccination could substantially reduce risk of infectious diseases in newborns, especially for rural and low-resource communities where there are much higher rates of infant deaths.”

With files from UBC News

 

Queens gives break down on oil spill dispersants

Queens professor, Peter Hodson, and his research team have found that the controversial chemical dispersants used to clean up oil spills may not be as harmful as once believed. Dispersants are meant to break oil up into smaller particles so that they may mix more easily with water as opposed to having a large amount floating on the surface. The chemical’s use has been disputed because of the belief that it will increase the water’s toxicity to marine life. However, research has shown that while the chemical is toxic on its own, it is not when mixed in with the oil.

With filles from Queens University News Centre

Woohoo, Boohoo

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Woohoo: chill Charlies

I admire people who know how to relax, who can organize themselves enough to separate their days efficiently into work and play. I find myself letting stress consume my life too often, a fact that became apparent near the end of last term, when my schedule took a turn for the insane.

I’ve lived at home all my life, until last semester when my dad accepted a position in Alberta and left for work within two days of his acceptance. Our house was up for sale, my mom and I had our pets and jobs to worry about, I had started my new position at The Peak, was striving for high grades in class, and facing the stress of the unknown that comes with living alone.

Paradoxically, if I wasn’t so stressed about what I had to do, I could have completed my responsibilities more efficiently, which would have reduced that same stress.

I’m not sure what makes an organized person; maybe the skill comes as a reaction to similar stress faced at some point in their lives, maybe some are better at predicting what that stress will be like, without having to face it. Nonetheless, there is a lot to learn from people who can put their responsibilities or their emotions aside long enough to relax and recharge.

Boohoo: stressed Sallys

If you felt beyond stressed in the recent past, right now is the time to deal with the problem head-on.

My situation taught me that I’m a little in love with the anxiety of stress, because it makes me feel constantly in the process of something. This state has its positives, surely. It must drive some of the most proactive, ambitious individuals out there. But when it consumes your life, like it did mine, then it’s more a problem than an advantage.

As it’s the most relaxed part of the semester right now, I suggest you ask yourself what was happening the last time you were stressed, how you could have changed it, and how the situation might have changed if you did. In school, for instance, could an essay have come from somewhere more honest if you were relaxed while researching it? Could you have found more time for friends and fun, enabling you to enjoy the school that you’re paying a whole lot to be in?

Your calendar can’t be entirely filled with work. If it is, you’re kidding yourself. Pencil in some down time, if not for the efficiency it creates, then for your own sanity.

Panel gives pipeline the green light

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A National Energy Board Joint Review Panel, put in charge of deciding the fate of the proposed $7.9 billion (formerly estimated at $6.5 billion) Northern Gateway pipeline, has given the project the thumbs up.

On Thursday, Dec. 19, the Panel posted their approval of the pipelines, which will carry bitumen (distilled crude oil) from Alberta’s oilsands to tankers on the coast of British Columbia, with 209 conditions attached.

“After weighing all of the oral and written evidence, the Panel found that Canada and Canadians would be better off with the Enbridge Northern Gateway project than without it,” the Panel said in a statement. The decision came following months of public hearings, in which the Joint Review Panel heard submissions from more than 1,450 participants in 21 communities.

Proponents of the project have argued that the proposed pipeline is critical for the province of Alberta to get its oil to emerging markets in Asia, a point with which the Panel agreed.

As reported in the Huffington Post, the panel stated, “We have taken the view that opening Pacific Basin markets is important to the Canadian economy and society.”

If constructed, the pipeline would carry 525,000 barrels of oil a day from Alberta to the West Coast.

In a statement, Alberta Energy Minister Diana McQueen called the panel’s decision “an important step” towards establishing Canada “as a true global energy superpower.”

The proposal has long been objected to by various environmental and First Nations groups concerned for the protection of British Columbian land, and the ever-present danger accompanying all pipeline: spills.

Although the Panel found a large spill to be unlikely, they continued on to say, “We further found that a large spill would initially have significant adverse environmental effects on ecosystems and we accepted the scientific evidence that indicates that the environment would ultimately recover and return to a functioning ecosystem similar to that existing prior to the spill.”

“The panel found that . . . Canadians would be better off with the Enbridge Northern Gateway project than without it.” 

– National Energy Board Joint Review Panel

One of the conditions of the proposal’s acceptance requires Enbridge to maintain $950 million in liability coverage, as well as “unfettered access” to $100 million within 10 business days of a large spill from any component of the project. The current cost estimate of a major oil spill is between $5 to $22 billion.

Despite these stipulations, major concerns have come up during the Panel’s review that Enbridge has massively underestimated the risk of oil spills associated with the project, and has not shown that they will effectively be able to respond to oil spills if they occur.

A study led by Tom Gunton, SFU director of Resource and Environmental Planning, found that there is a “95 to 99 per cent chance of a tanker oil spill from the Northern Gateway Project, over the operating life of the project.” Gunton explained in a previous interview with The Peak that a tanker spill on the coast would have a much greater impact on the surrounding environment than a pipeline spill.

One of the central critiques of the Northern Gateway proposal was the actual product that would flow through the pipeline, which is oilsands crude. However, the review panel did not agree with arguments that stated that oilsands crude is more corrosive and abrasive than conventional crude.

The BC provincial government had previously set five conditions for the pipeline project, and BC Environment Minister Mary Polak stated that the Panel’s report “means they are part-way to getting the first condition,” explaining that the project needs to pass a federal environmental assessment.

Al Monaco, CEO of Enbridge, was pleased with the decision, but recognized the work still to be done if the pipeline is to become a reality, according to the Huffington Post.

“The decision today comes down to confirming that we have a sound project from a commercial, technical and safety and environmental point of view. That’s all good, and it’s all subject to the conditions and we are proud of that . . . but we are not celebrating,” Monaco stated.

He continued, “We know more work needs to be done with some Aboriginal communities. Over the last year, I can assure you we’ve been listening very carefully to both British Columbians and aboriginal groups to address concerns.”

The final decision now lies with the federal government, which has 180 days, approximately six months, to decide whether to give the project final approval.

Things to get excited for in 2014

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Experience essential cinema at the Cinematheque

If you’ve ever wanted to expand your taste in film and are sick of the selection on Netflix, this is a good place to start. The Cinematheque — one of the last remaining independent theatres in Vancouver — is offering a few retrospectives that highlight cinema’s masters through January, February, and March. Included is a four-day-long showing of work by Claire Denis, who has been called one of the most daring filmmakers to come out of France; Canada’s Top 10 will feature some of the best of the year’s Canuck cinema, as selected by TIFF; and Jean-Luc Cinéma Godard will celebrate the early career of one of the most important artists in the field, with screenings of Breathless and Weekend.

Gob Squad Prater der Volksbuehne mit "Kitchen" UA 30.03.07

PuSh International Performing Arts Festival

One of the most cutting edge performing arts festivals in the city, PuSh brings 150 different shows to several venues across the city. And what better way to wind down after the holidays than to settle into some great storytelling arts? Highlights include Gob Squad’s Kitchen, a reimagined version of Andy Warhol’s Kitchen — which starred the pop-icon’s muse Edie Sedgewick — where we’re transported back to the underground cinemas of New York City in the 1960s through a mix of live video and performance techniques. Also, be sure to check out L.A. Party and An Evening with William Shatner Asterisk, two shows conceived by New York theatre artist Phil Soltanoff, featuring collaboration at its finest and a big screen with Captain Kirk’s face.

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New exhibits at the Vancouver Art Gallery

Here’s a good new years resolution to keep: get into the arts in Vancouver, because there’s good stuff here. A good way to start is to check out the Vancouver Art Gallery, which usually has something to satisfy any art lover. A few things coming soon include A Terrible Beauty: Edward Burtynsky, an exhibition of works by the Toronto-based photographer who captures images of nature and man-made landscapes; Myfanwy Macleod, Or There and Back Again is a presentation of the Vancouver-based artist who examines the male fantasy as associated with Led Zeppelin and J.R.R Tolkien. Plus, a few months down the road in May, Douglas Coupland: everywhere is anywhere is anything is everything will become the first major survey of the beloved author and artist’s work. That’s reason enough for a membership renewal.

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ICONS: A Vintage Clothing Market

The people who brought you the Eastside Flea are now rolling out a new vintage market, which will take place at the red-velvet draped Biltmore Cabaret. On January 26 from 11:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., the cabaret will become a “labyrinth of counterculture,” bringing out a hand-picked vendor roster focusing on the psychedelia and design cues from the 60s, 70s, 80s, and a bit of the 90s. Expect to find posters, antiques and collectibles, records, taxidermy, retro lamps, small furniture, cameras, and some one-of-a-kind vintage clothing items. There will also be drink specials, an afternoon food happy hour, a photobooth, and a DJ spinning some tunes to match.

Winter Safety Tips

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If there’s one season that really wreaks havoc on SFU, it’s winter. Spring, summer and fall usually pass by without too much of a ruckus but every year between around December 21 and March 20, the talk of how dangerous it’s going to be up Burnaby Mountain reaches extreme highs.

For the most part the actual conditions aren’t that bad but if you want to sleep in or have an excuse to hand in papers late you better be prepared to be overly precautious. Here’s a few safety tips on being dramatic about safety in the snow, winter driving and more mostly-imagined problems.

-Listen to weather forecasts and if the word “snow” is used do NOT attempt get out of bed (this applies even if you live in residence)

-Even if the word “snow” is used in the sentence “there shouldn’t be any snow today” you still shouldn’t leave your home as the mere mention of snow could cause you to walk timidly and fall.

– If the word “snow” is not in any weather reports but you think it’s implied because they talked about rain or clouds which are related to snow, you should definitely not travel and are advised to watch season 1 of The Wire all day instead.

-The best way to avoid getting stuck while driving up the hill is to never drive to school and get started on season two of The Wire.

– Don’t go outside at SFU without at least five layers of clothing and a winter-jacket. If you don’t own these you should go out immediately while it’s still nice and purchase seasons three, four and five of The Wire.

-The weather can change in a flash so you should probably just stay home all semester watching acclaimed TV dramas.

– To ensure that you avoid getting stuck while driving, you are best advised to quit school and move somewhere less dangerous.

-If you do get stranded in your car, remember that drinking alcohol hastens the loss of body heat so you should have already dropped out of SFU, moved to Fort Lauderdale, Florida where you could be hammered and be half-way through Breaking Bad by now. 

Funny Page Recaps

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Plot updates for all the most popular syndicated comic strips we can’t afford to publish.

 

Adam@home: Adam spent time with his family and didn’t leave his home.

Garfield: Jon put Garfield on another diet. The results were less than exceptional.

Rex Morgan MD: Rex got home after work and sat down on a couch.

Dilbert: Dilbert took in the minutiae of office life in stride while Wally acted more cynically.

Tundra: Humorously drawn characters reacted to puns.

Peanuts: Charlie Brown finally kicked a perfect field goal. It was less satisfying than he would’ve imagined.

Doonesbury: Doonesbury went on another diet. The results were less than exceptional.

“Deranged mountain man” publicly executed after “stealing Christmas”

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WHOVILLE — The man who was believed to be responsible for having literally stolen Christmas from the quiet mountain town of Whoville was allegedly executed in a violent, public demonstration.

According to police reports, a 53-year old man who called himself “the Grinch”, snuck into every single person’s house on Christmas Eve and stole all their gifts, toys, decorations and food. Strangely however, he did not steal any furniture, appliances or wiring.

“He stole everything . . . even the crumbs,” said one of the residents who lost everything, “How do you even steal crumbs?”

Previous to this incident, “the Grinch” had no criminal record, and was not seen often by residents as he lived up the mountain. However, the few times he came down the mountain, his presence disturbed some residents.

“Well, he’d scare the children, always going on about how much he hated Christmas, and going on long winded rants about corporations and consumerism” said one devastated Whovillian.

On top of the initial crime, for unknown reasons, “the Grinch” returned Christmas morning and gave back all the presents to the community. Not realizing that he was responsible for the theft, they invited him for their Christmas feast.

“We kind of just assumed that he must have beat up the robber or something, we wouldn’t think that somebody would not only rob us on Christmas, but come back and taunt us, flaunt his luck,” one Who was quoted as saying.

However, there was one witness who saw the Grinch during his robbing spree, a little girl, and immediately after the Grinch had cut the roast beast realized that it was he who had stolen her Christmas tree, having claimed that he was taking it back to the North Pole.

Stories of what happened next change from person to person, but all who’s willing to talk agreed that he was at least burnt, hanged, beheaded and defecated upon. Police did confirm that they had a burnt head in their possession but would not confirm it was that of “the Grinch.”

Some accounts suggest that as he was being dragged to his death, he cried for mercy, claiming that he had a change of heart and that he had realized the true meaning of Christmas.

He claimed it was their forgiveness and happiness that made him change his tune. However, the who’s, not being idiots, didn’t buy it considering his violent demise.

“He thinks he can steal from us who’s and get away with it? Well, I’m sure he thinks different now,” said one angry Who, “well actually he probably doesn’t think at all considering he’s dead, but at least justice has been served.”

Police would like to remind the public that vigilantism is not justice and that justice requires due process. In addition, they state that the who’s were promptly executed for their crimes.

Street performer struggling to juggle career and seven chainsaws

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GRANVILLE ISLAND— A local street performer who has spent the last five years of his life putting in over 60 hours a week working at his juggling act is having a difficult time managing to keep that up and also juggle seven chainsaws.

Rodney Pipers, a 35-year old struggling juggling artist told The Peak that he has been caused great stress trying to maintain his career while also trying to keep up his newest challenging, extremely difficult stunt.

“It’s mostly just the ‘juggling seven chainsaws part’ that’s been really hard” Pipers explained, “The career part is fine, that’s pretty simple but I even struggle juggling seven balls and those won’t even decapitate me if I screw up.”

Pipers isn’t quite sure how he’s going to juggle everything he has going on right now and has said when you throw family into the mix it gets even more difficult.

“I’ve got three kids to support on top of all this” he complained clutching his forehead in stress, “If I make a mistake juggling them the court might take them away . . . and the three kids, two fireballs trick is the crown jewel of my act!”

While Pipers still doesn’t have a plan on how he’s going to maintain the delicate balance between spending time on his career, spending time with his family and juggling seven-running chainsaws, he say the problem isn’t really that complicated.

“Again, it’s pretty much just the chainsaw-thing that’s a problem, the other stuff is fairly straight-forward.”