Never trust a man that says “trust me”
He strolled in like a young William Shatner.
Just kidding, he actually strolled in like a middle-aged Bruce McCulloch, but requested all of us who were “live tweeting” to describe his entrance as such.
From the moment McCulloch awkwardly danced his way onto and around the stage, spitting out advice, spoken word style (“never trust a woman who uses a dream catcher as a birth control device”), accompanied by his lifelong friend and musical collaborator Brian Connally, the audience was hooked.
McCulloch, who is well known as a member of the infamous Canadian sketch comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall, has spent his adult life acting, writing and directing (Superstar, Stealing Harvard, Dog Park).
Young Drunk Punk, which played at the Firehall Arts Centre from Jan. 28 to Feb. 1, is a self-written and directed intimate performance in which McCulloch plays the character of himself. It’s more than stand-up, more than a play, more than musical performance or poetry: it’s a unique and brilliant storytelling concoction with a refreshingly different flavour. Its title comes from the book he is also working on by the same name, from which he has pulled pieces to give us this time-stopping performance.
In Young Drunk Punk, McCulloch discloses his less-than-ideal upbringing in Alberta. He remembers himself as an outsider, which he thinks is just a “fancy word for loser.” His “weird little life” consisted of him blaring The Clash and the Sex Pistols, blow drying his hair, getting drunk and constantly planning out when and how to best beat up his father. In short, being an angsty 80s punk. He let us know that it was easy to be a punk in those days, though: “Just sleep in one day and there you go.”
Family is “something you survive” or “a tyrannical clutch of people who look like you but are nothing like you.”
In addition to the challenging life of an outsider, another major theme of McCulloch’s performance is family, which, as he puts it, is “something you survive,” or “a tyrannical clutch of people who look like you but are nothing like you.”
He reflects on his own youthful rebellion and, despite the fact that his “trophy” children are still very young, he marvels that the days when his son will want to beat him up are not so distant.
Growing old is another theme of the piece. “I used to wear pajamas ironically, now I just wear them.” He explores the horrific experience of once being young and cool and then waking up in the middle of life emptying the dishwasher and understanding the appeal of golf.
Although the show was mostly delivered with dark humour, sincerity was woven in as well. At one point when he was discussing family he reminded us that everyone who exists and has ever existed shares the same air, saying “If you miss somebody, just take a breath.”
From poodles as “gateway dogs” and songs of unicorns with HIV to bad sex weekends and methanol blow jobs, the show weaves a wild, disjointed narrative of McCulloch’s young, mean years — a time of painful self-exploration.
Young Drunk Punk is completely one-of-a-kind: it’s raunchy, surprising and hilarious. It is a brave act that is sure to resonate with the outsider in us all.
Woohoo, boohoo
Woohoo
- SFU’s Zero Waste project is a step in the right direction. There ain’t nothing wrong with trying to double the amount of waste diverted at the university by 2015. Even though it took me about 30 seconds of standing in front of the new waste bins to figure out where to put the segments of a coffee cup, that 30-second learning curve is one that I, and you, can afford.
- Canada is a wasteful nation. As of the last study on waste produced by the Conference Board of Canada in 2009, Canadians produced about 777 kgs of garbage each, while 16 other countries’ averaged 578 kg.
- World-wide waste has some pretty devastating results. For instance, look at the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. It’s an area spanning the Pacific Ocean with a high concentration of broken-down plastic, chemical sludge, and other waste. While its exact size is undetermined, scientists generally agree that it’s too damn big.
- Adding a bit to Dan Moxon’s sing-song sentiment, it’s about flippin’ time for zero waste at SFU.
Boohoo
- Many SFU bathrooms inadvertently take a step backwards in cutting waste.
- The self-flushing toilets consistently flush more than once. Once, while I was in a stall, a toilet flushed five times due to the unfortunate combination of over-sensitive triggers and a tiny bathroom stall. Aside from the wasted water, I personally don’t like having the toilet flush unless I’m running out of the stall: otherwise, the water must spray more than just a little bit on me. Bleh.
- And how about the thin paper towels? I’ve personally only seen them in the Woodwards campus. If memory serves right, they straight-up say on them “environmentally friendly.” Somehow, I doubt this is true when I use at least two to dry my hands enough to operate the door. And at Woodwards, I’ve never seen hand dryer alternatives in the men’s restroom.
- These two “efficiencies” waste more than simple alternatives.
SFU stung at Desert Stinger
It was hardly a banner week for the SFU softball squad, as they opened their season with five straight non-conference losses at the Desert Stinger, hosted by the University of Montana-Billings over reading week.
The Clan’s first game — a 9–7 loss to the University of Mary — was one of the team’s best outings of the event.
“I saw a lot of positives and I was pleasantly surprised by our offensive production,” said head coach Mike Renney. That offence continued in SFU’s second game, but the girls allowed 13 runs in a 13–6 loss to fall to 0–2.
“I didn’t think we would put that many runs on the board this early but we still need to put more up than our opponents so we’ve got lots of work to do,” he added.
The Clan were able to hang in against Humboldt State, the defending NCAA Division II West Region Champions in their third contest, but ultimately lost 6–4 to the fourth-ranked Lumberjacks.
But over the next two games, the Clan imploded. SFU lost their final two games, against Fort Lewis College and Regis University, by a combined 22–1; both were decided in just five innings, thanks to the mercy rule.
Despite the tough trip, Renney remains positive.
“A number of our goals [. . .] were met,” he said after the final game. “Primarily, our freshman got in and played a lot so they got a measure of where they are and where to need to get to because clearly we have a long way to go.”
He continued: “I was pleased with our offence early on and unfortunately after a couple losses it disappeared. I think that was a product of us falling behind, and our young players trying too hard.
“We’ll look forward to the next opportunity and hopefully we will enter each game with a purpose and we’ll be working on the things we need to address.”
Clan open season with a win
It was a game of momentum shifts and early season jitters, but the 17th ranked Simon Fraser lacrosse team ran away with a 16-9 victory over Div. II opponent Western Washington Vikings on Feb 8.
After coming out strong and posting a 6–0 lead at the end of the first quarter, the Clan ran into a few hitches, giving up seven goals over the next two quarters and scoring only six, narrowing the lead to 12-7 after three.
While the Vikings refused to give in, the Clan shut the door on them quickly, giving up just two goals to the visitors and tallying four in the final quarter to make the final score 16–9.
Ten different Clan players potted goals in the contest; sophomore Tyler Kirkby lead the way with five goals and an assist.
After playing his first year down at Bellarmine University in Louisville, KY, Kirkby was very pleased with his first outing with the Clan. “I thought it was pretty exciting. Everyone has been chomping at the bit to start playing. I could see the jitters out there in everyone, including myself, but all in all we found each other and made the good things happen,” he said.
Four other Clan players recorded multiple points in the opening matchup. Sophomore Andrew Branting and junior Sam Clare both tallied two goals and an assist each, while junior Ward Spencer scored a goal and two assists, and sophomore Lyndon Knuttila recorded a goal and an assist.
Other goal scorers included juniors Casey Foster, Cameron Chisholm, and Matthew Bailey, with senior defenceman Riley Wanzer and junior Mark Hilker also scoring their first goals of the season.
The Clan dominated offensively, outshooting the Vikings 47–23 over the course of the game. Goaltending duties were split between both Clan goaltenders, with senior Darren Zwack getting the start and freshman Jeremy Lasher taking over in the second half. Vikings goaltender Jordan Johnson stood tall, recording a .659 save percentage with 31 saves on 47 Clan shots.
Most of the Vikings goals came off of power plays, with 7:30 minutes of penalties plaguing the Clan, including two stints of being down two men. The Vikings, meanwhile, were shorthanded for just 2:30.
Keeping their composure and controlling their checks will be something the Clan has to focus on in the future as they look to play some tougher opponents.
The Clan were supposed to play Portland State in a double header on opening weekend but due to stormy conditions on the I-5, Portland was unable to attend so the game will be rescheduled. The Clan’s next home game is on March 1 versus rival #8 Oregon.
University Briefs
UFV opens new agricultural facility
UFV’s new Centre of Excellence in Agriculture officially opened on Saturday, Feb. 15. The centre will provide a place for those interested in agriculture to study and receive training relevant to the industry.
Located in Chilliwack, the centre is in “the heart of the bread basket of BC,” — the heart of the agricultural industry. The hope is to involve the industry so that students can study the technology as well as learn in the classroom.
UFV facilities and campus development executive director Craig Toews told The Cascade, “If we don’t have industry involved, we don’t really have a real check and balance in terms of [whether or not] we are training students with the skills that the industry really needs for jobs.”
With files from The Cascade
UBC student swims to raise HIV awareness
Haley Pipher, a fourth year UBC student, will swim 10 kilometres in three hours to raise funds for HIV awareness.
Pipher, a former member of the UBC Thunderbirds swim team, told The Ubyssey: “[The swim] has been something I’ve wanted to do for quite a few years now. There’s a lot of stigma against this disease, so I’m just trying to raise a little bit of awareness.”
The swim will take place at 10:30 a.m. on Feb. 18 at the UBC aquatic center with proceeds going to the Positive Living Society of British Columbia, an organization for HIV/AIDS support and awareness.
With files from The Ubyssey
McGill students protest fossil fuels conference
Around 30 McGill students and community members organized a blockade at a conference held by the McGill Institute for the Study of Canada (MISC) on Feb. 7 to discuss fossil fuel usage.
Mona Luxion, a protester, stated, “[MISC has] to understand it is a very political decision to have a conference that debates the role of the tar sands in some sort of ‘both sides are equal’ way, rather than acknowledging [that] the tar sands and global warming are killing people right now, and will continue to do so.”
Justyna, a Concordia student, voiced her dissent with the protest, saying, “I understand their position; however I think blocking the door and not letting people into a conference that is supposed to be about open discussion and rational debate isn’t a very productive way of supporting or representing your opinion.”
With files from The McGill Daily
Board Shorts
Funding request reaches SFSS exec.
The Chinese Students and Scholars Association (CSSA) requested $4,000 from Funding and Grants for their annual Lantern Festival Event, to be held on Feb. 15, $2,000 of which was allotted for prizes, including two iPads and rings from Tiffany’s. Funding and Grants has already contributed $300 for the rehearsal space as well as $170 for audio-visual materials.
The CSSA had originally requested approximately $7,800 for their event. As of Feb. 12, they had only sold 100 tickets — around 30 per cent of the total capacity for the event.
Funding and Grants has approximately $9,000 left in their budget for the remainder of the fiscal year, which ends in three months. Based on this, as well as the fact that Funding and Grants does not usually approve requests exceeding $1,500, it was resolved that the SFSS would give the CSSA $1,500 for location and logistics expenses.
Clan send Wolves packing
From the first tip-off, the ball was in Clan hands for nearly the whole first half. The dominant opening 20 minutes against the Western Oregon Wolves led to the Clan’s tenth victory in the Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC).
Erin Chambers scored the first basket setting the tone for the rest of the game, but the score didn’t really start to ramp up in SFU’s favour until after the first media timeout early in the contest. The Wolves scored on a couple of free throws to bring the score to 14–10, but SFU would hold them to just four more points over the latter half of the opening frame.
Though Chambers opened the scoring, the star of the half was Rebecca Langmead, who scored 16 points and boosting the Clan’s slight edge to complete dominance.
While the Clan could find space at will in the Wolves’ end, there were no holes in the Clan’s defence, and at the midway point SFU was dominating Western Oregon, 35–14.
“We came out really strong defensively,” said point guard Marie-Line Petit, who had six assists on the night. “We knew really they had two weapons offensively, and we controlled them really well.”
But the Wolves turned things around in the second, draining 17 points in just over eight minutes. The previously tight Clan defence became sloppy, with WOU’s Kelsey Henry putting on a show much like Langmead in the first, dominating for a short time.
“[The Wolves] had that extra spark, maybe, that extra edge,” conceded Petit of her opposition’s strong second-half start.
But the Clan’s first-half cushion gave them a chance to regain their momentum. Halfway through the second, SFU rallied off 10 straight points, including two three-pointers by Chambers.
Langmead scored a career-high 24 points, and though the Wolves won the second half 36–35, the 21-point gap secured in the first by the Clan meant a decisive win, and a 10–4 conference record.
Clan can’t rally past Falcons
Sometimes, an upset just isn’t in the cards.
Just as it was looking like February might be kind to the Clan, on Feb. 13, SFU lost 89–79 to Seattle Pacific University Falcons.
SFU had beaten third-place Alaska Fairbanks on Feb. 1 and lost an 84–83 heartbreaker to Western Washington, who sit in second, one week later.
With just one Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC) victory entering February, and then having held their ground against two of the conference’s top three teams, the Clan had every reason to feel good about themselves.
But against the Falcons, the conference’s top team, the Clan were brought back down to Earth.
A 10-point loss to a team that was 11–2 entering the contest is respectable for a beleaguered Clan team, and there were plenty of positives in the game. Four players scored double-digit points, with Sango Niang’s 26 leading the way. The team shot 54.5 per cent from the field, 46.2 per cent from three-point range, and ended the game on a 24–9 run.
But the Clan’s largest lead was three points — the game’s opening score — and lasted 19 seconds. Against a lesser opponent, those shooting numbers may have resulted in a lasting lead. But against a team shooting almost 60 per cent from the field and 55 per cent from three, it wasn’t enough.
“We came up against a very disciplined team tonight,” said head coach James Blake after the game. “[Players] had good individual efforts but we need more ball movement to get more players involved in the offence.”
The Falcons methodically built up an 80–55 lead with over seven minutes to play. Had the Clan’s late-game siege been successful, it would’ve been the story of the season. Instead, it feels more like a drop in the ocean. However respectable the final score was, it’s another loss in what’s been a frustrating season for the SFU players.
The loss drops the team’s conference record to 2–11 with just five games to go.
Hot and bothered
Despite Ron Jeremy’s absence — porn’s most shot actor with an impressive 2,000 films under his belt was scheduled for another day — Vancouver’s Taboo: Naughty but Nice Sex Show offered plenty more jaw-dropping reasons to pay it a visit.
From Jan. 30 to Feb. 2, the Vancouver Convention Center was filled with vendors selling sex toys of every colour, shape, size, texture, and flavour. Sexologists were giving talks on everything from foreskin to nipple-play, and there was even a curtained-off area called The Dungeon where no cameras were allowed (let your imagination run wild).
“The magic moment is when your tongue flicks the F-spot!” An unconventional welcome, booming over a loud-speaker, met guests as they first arrived. One of the most popular talks was by sexologist Dr. Jess, though the event featured plenty of other seminars lined up one after the other. Perhaps the most informative aspect of the evening though came from conversation with crowded vendors.
Making their way through booths and nearly-naked men, guests arrived at what was almost out of place: a museum-like set-up, looking like something from a Jane Austen novel with high-end, fashionable corsets.
“Melanie Talkington has the largest collection of antique corsets in the world. When Taboo found out about her [show at the Louvre in Paris] they asked us to come,” explains Stephanie, an exhibitor for Lace Embrace Atelier. Dressed in attire designed by Melanie Talkington herself, Stephanie says that they opted for a more “museum-esque” set-up to show that there is still an element of class and high-end fashion to the corset.
Selling corsets and lingerie modelled after antiques, Stephanie says that their custom-made attire not only attracts people with fetishes from all over the spectrum, but is appealing outside the bedroom as well.
“There’s steampunk, there’s historical — people who like to dress up as historical figures […] and then there’s modern women who come to us for medical corsets, as well as for weddings and proms. Some are even champion weight lifters that need custom corsets,” she says.
Fanned out on a seductively comfortable looking bed at Posh Passion Parties’ booth was the steamy adult trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey. Posh Passion Parties does in-home educating and demonstrations on how to spice things up in the bedroom.
Tastefully put by the company’s director Coralie Lynch, “We basically tell you everything your mom didn’t tell you about sex. So moms teach us how to get pregnant, and we teach you how to have orgasms.” The long line to sign up indicated people were eager to learn.
Lynch says books like Fifty Shades have “made things more mainstream. It’s made more women, who would have never had a party like this before, more [open] to the idea.”
As people open up about what happens under their sheets, organizations like Metro Vancouver Kink are poised to inform people how to do it properly. Kink’s director at large says that their monthly “play parties” allow people to explore sexual activities like bondage and role-playing. These parties offer a way for people to build connections in the kink community and to know that they shouldn’t be ashamed of what they are personally fond of.
Passion was evident in every vendor’s voice as they explained their contributions to the Taboo exhibition. But no one was more heated than — brace yourself — The Peak’s very first humour editor. Now founder of the Canadian Foreskin Awareness Project, Glen Callender contributed for 10 years to the very paper you’re reading. Callender has since taken his ambition down yonder.
“CAN-FAP promotes foreskin education, appreciation and stimulation, and advocates for the human right for all children, male, female and intersex, to grow up with intact genitals, so they can have the decision for themselves if some part of their genitals is [to be] cut off,” said Callender.
His reason for starting such a movement? “Well, I have a really, really great foreskin. I’m not going to lie to you. It’s a fantastic foreskin.”
At the age of eight, Callender discovered the process of circumcision and found it deeply disturbing. He didn’t want other little boys to be “strapped down and have a wonderful body part cut off” so starting his own movement seemed logical.
If there’s one thing to take from Vancouver’s Taboo: Naughty but Nice Sex Show it’s that no aspect of sexuality should make you feel ashamed. And remember: play safe!
